Make Over

gotta make some serious make overs. well, over everything worth mentioning in my life, which is quite a lot. or not. well, will need to figure it out as well. so the point is, gonna move to another blog for awhile. i dont really mean move in the sense of really moving. just gonna stop writing here and throwing up things, these things, in another blog. temporarily, of course.

so you, loyal readers, would you excuse me for some more time? its been some time since i wrote anything worth reading anyway. in the mean time, join me in believing that everything happens for a reason.

Arti Hidupku

Tiap hari lepas tiap hari dengan rasa berat hati
Hidup yang penuh arti ini mengapa jadi begini
Marilah tegak berdiri menghadapi hidup yang berarti
Kuasa dan tujuan hidup ini dalam iman dan kasih
Hidup bukan karena hari, hidup hanya karena arti
Bebas dari segala dosa, itulah arti hidupku.

In a dire need to read again The Purpose Driven Life. Or the Bible. Or to have again that quite time I used to have years ago, when life was just as simple as black and white.

Moments

This is one of those awkward moments. Those moments when you know that that guy is about to ask you for a date. Sooner or later. You know he will. And you know that as attractive as he is, as much fun you had with him, as much as you enjoy spending hours with him, you still don't want to date him. Even if he treats you better, much much better than the other guy, you still want that other guy. Even if, as sure as hell, he will know how to take care of you much much better than the other guy, you still want the other guy. You still miss him, you still cling on that thin line of hope that someday, someday, he will want you too.

This is one of those awkward moments. Those moments when you are prepared to say no to anyone except the one you always think about, your ideal. Those moments when you know for sure that you ideal is an ideal, someone you will never be equal to, someone whose standards you will never be up to.

Then you remember an advice you gave to someone in the past: to give it a chance. A bit less than an ideal might be enough. A lot more than an ideal might suit you better. Who knows, it might turn out to be great. Who knows if you don't want to give it a try?

THE plan

Okay, this is the plan. I'm getting TOO slow on this writing and deadline is APPROACHING like a twister.

1. no facebook until I submit
2. no chatting until I send out my first draft
3. no internet until I finished writing out my results
4. working without procrastinating for ONE HOUR period every time
5. in between my one hour period, 10 minutes of break, except for lunches and dinners
6. pray. never forget to pray.

ganbatte!

LaTable

Just a little self note on how to convert an excel table into Latex so damn easily. Found it on the net, with an example and snapshots at http://zigzag00.blogspot.com/2010/08/latable-easy-way-to-write-tables-in.html

Basically, just copy the table from excel, paste it into LaTable and copy the Latex code from LaTable then paste it into your Latex editor. Voila! Headache cured! Just need to add a table environment if you want it floating, add the caption and done! Fuuuuuuu. Love it!!!

LaTable can be downloaded from http://www.ctan.org/tex-archive/help/Catalogue/entries/latable.html

2012

New Year's day! I make it to 2012: alive, relatively healthy, loved, and in spite of everything still wanted by people who matter the most to me. In short, I will say I still have enough reasons to live. Once again, I have to admit that I made it to this day by clinging like crazy to my Jesus. Unrealistic as it sounds to some people, Jesus has been my only hope to go through everything last year, the hardest year in my life so far:

1. school, at this moment don't even want to remember all suffering I have had to endure for the past 15 months
2. that guy, okay: another blog IS the place for this subject as I hesitate on putting too  many side subjects in this blog
3. depression, another blog is dedicated for this matter; for some reasons I will keep it anonymous
4. friends, making friends, keeping them, tolerating their harsh treatment, and at the end finally can recognize the jewels among them
5. new life, abroad and back home, both are not easy, both require so much energy and determination, just exactly the things I lack of at the moment
6. family matters, who says having a family that loves you so and care about you so will free you from troubles WITH them?
7. addiction to some silly stuff like procrastinating.

At the end, I can see that everything is indeed in God's plan. The proverb said that God has made everything beautiful in its time. As I say it, I heart captured four keywords:
1. God. It is God and God alone who owns the power
2. everything; not some things, not some exceptional things, not just heavenly things, but everything
3. beautiful; what is better than beautiful?
4. it's time; there's a particular time, might take a second, a day, a week, a year, a lifetime, or even an eternity.

Little by little, I can see things explained. Those whys I have cried out loud in the silence of the nights in that bedroom on campus, those whys I have been sobbed of in the secrecy of those dimmed toilets around campus, those whys I have silently carried in my chest as I fought my way through my days, some of those whys have been answered. Long list made short, the answers can be contained in this word: God has set everything out for my own good. Just my stupidity that is even greater than the universe so that it took so long for me to understand it.

So new year, bring it on. I think I have been through the lowest of it all. But if I haven't, if I still have to go through worse parts, I think I have learned how to stand strong: by getting on my knees.

Happy new year! God is good all the time!
 

investment grade!

beloved country is on investment grade now after 14 years! so want to write about it but so no time. haha. hear hear, i talk like a devoted 9gagger now! so tired and so helpless. stupid simulations or stupid me? blah. took an arrow to the knee!

anyways, good job, fellas! investment grade yay! keep up the good job, kill all the corruptors, hoho! just as a propos, based on the scale of fellow 9gaggers, the scale would be:
justin bieber
super easy
easy
normal
hard
super hard
chuck norris
asian
russian (because 100% is not enough)
i will consciously ignore russian, for personal and professional reason. so asian rules!

yay yay yay! investment grade! got a reason to celebrate. can sleep early. worry about simulations tomorrow. 

Awkward

The awkward moment when you realize that you feel nothing at all and are fine with it.
Forever alone maximum level achieved. Just take an arrow to the knee, 140% correct if you're in Russia.

Definitely spend too much time in 9gag.