now

now,

i stop complaining

i stop moaning

i stop crying

 

now,

i just need a hug

a big bear hearty hug

maju terus pantang memble

i'm burning my brain,

breaking my bones,

holding back my tears,

refusing to give up!

 

i don't believe in hard work,

neither do i believe in luck,

and much more, i don't believe in giving up!

 

because i do believe

in the God who bless,

in the God who loves to bless,

in the God who wants me to work harder than any other,

and bless me not because of my hard work,

but because of grace, and grace alone,

so i have no reasons to give up!

 

life may blow me a thousand times,

but my God will rise me up a thousand and one times

that i can never give up!

Aku Hari Ini

Aku yang dulu,
akan berlutut segera setelah terbangun di pagi hari;
mengucap syukur untuk hari yang baru,
mohon pimpinan untuk sepanjang hari.

Aku yang dulu,
akan menundukkan kepala setiap masuk kelas,
bersyukur atas satu kesempatan lagi untuk belajar,
mohon hikmat untuk setiap pengajaran,
agar aku mengerti,
agar berguna untuk hidupku dan hidup orang lain.

Aku yang dulu,
akan hening sejenak sebelum membuka kembali bukuku,
mohon kasih karunia atas kerja kerasku,
sepenuhnya percaya bahwa Tuhan memberkati yang dikasihi-Nya pada waktu tidur,
dan bahwa kerja keras tidak menambahkan apapun pada hidup manusia
namun Tuhan mau aku bekerja tekun, seperti semut yang tak pernah melamun

Aku yang dulu,
akan menutup mata sejenak sebelum memulai ujian-ujianku,
menyerahkan diri sepenuhnya kepada yang empunya langit dan bumi,
percaya bahwa Dia peduli pada hal sepele seperti ujianku,
dan percaya bahwa Dia memberkatiku dengan hasil yang sepadan, bahkan lebih

Aku yang dulu,
akan menutup hari dengan berlutut,
bersyukur atas satu hari yang diwarnai dengan kisah kasih-Nya padaku,
atas warna warni dalam satu hari
dan menyerahkan hidupku dan lelapku
menyerahkan orang-orang terkasih dalam hidupku pada tangan pengasihan-Nya
dan menutup doaku dengan:
"bila aku tidak pernah terbangun lagi dari tidurku, aku percaya aku akan bersama Yesusku"

Aku hari ini,
hanya beberapa belas tahun dari aku yang dulu
namun seperti menjadi pribadi yang lain, amat sangat lain.

Aku hari ini,
berharap bisa kembali menjadi aku yang dulu.
Bahkan lebih.

an important announcement

this is to formally announce that the donkey is no longer residing at cc2/158.

we have currently removed the donkey to the learning grid.

there may be some possibilities that the donkey be seen at the library, the Math Institute, or the Business School.

however, most of the time, we will do our best to make sure that the donkey stay at the learning grid to learn the lessons that a donkey should learn.

we are quite sure that there will be no inconvenience caused by this removal of the donkey.

in special circumstances that there is, please let us know as soon as possible as we know very well that the donkey hates the learning grid and prefers a cafe somewhere at the city centre.

itung-itungan

ini itung-itungan waktu idup gue dalam satu hari, alias 24 jam:

tidur: 8 jam
warming up pas bangun tidur: 0.5 jam
cooling down seblon tidur: 0.5 jam
makan: 3 X 1 jam = 3 jam
masak dan cuci piring: 1 jam
mandi dan temen2nya: 1 jam
rapih2 seblon ngampus: 0.5 jam
jalan bolak balik ke tempat kuliah: 0.5 jam

total : 15 jam
sisa: 9 jam

kalo gue bagi2 per hari, jadi sisanya gini nih:
Senin: kuliah 2 jam, sisa 7 jam
Selasa: kuliah 4 jam, sisa 5 jam
Rabu: kuliah 5 jam, sisa 4 jam
Kamis: kuliah 3 jam, sisa 6 jam
Jumat: kuliah 1 jam, sisa 8 jam

trus, kalo tiap hari gue kurangin satu jam buat ngoceh ama temen2 sekelas, ato mampir ke library cari buku, ato mampir ke IT room ngeprint materi kuliah, ato ngantri beli flat white di costa, ato bolak-balik ke laundry, ato ngecek pos di mailbox, ato ke postroom ngambil paket, maka sisa waktu gue per hari adalah:
Senin: sisa 5 jam
Selasa:  sisa 4 jam
Rabu: sisa 3 jam
Kamis: sisa 5 jam
Jumat: sisa 7 jam

mari kita sebut sisa waktu di atas sebagai alternatif 1.

trus kalo misalnya, misalnya nih, gue perlu waktu buat minum kopi sambil bengong liatin bebek terbang dari kamar gue, buat maen-maen sejenak ama puzzle gue, buat internetan, buat chatting ama temen2 di indo, buat nulis2 di blog ini, buat maen2 ke tesco (maen2, bukan belanja beneran), buat baca2 buku yang bukan buku pelajaran bentarrrrrr aja, katakanlah sejam sehari, maka sisa waktu gue adalah:
Senin: sisa 4 jam
Selasa:  sisa 3 jam
Rabu: sisa 2 jam
Kamis: sisa 4 jam
Jumat: sisa 6 jam

sebut ini sebagai alternatif 2.

bad bad bad.

mana cukup ntu sisa waktu buat ngulang kuliah hari ini, buat ngerjain soal seminar, buat nyicil ngerjain project, buat baca textbook biar gue ngga katro bergantung ama lecture notes doang? artinya gue week end ngga bisa kabur2 dong? atau gue ngga boleh senang2 barang sejam sehari.

bad bad bad.

overall, this is a bad bad bad life. let's see what I will become 8 months after today. ganti kaca mata kali gue, pake pantat botol, hehehehe...

a conversation

"what in the world I'm doing here?" I asked.

"you asked for it, you prayed for it, remember?" God answered.

"I didn't know I would hate it so much.." I snapped at Him. "You're the one who shouldn't give me anything I asked for if it's not good for me, aren't You? YOUR Bible told me so!"

"but I did give you, didn't I?" God replied. "and you know very well what it means if I give something to you..."

"it's supposed to be good for me. it's supposed to make me someone better. it's supposed to make me love You better. it's supposed to make me more like Your Son." I cried. "but I'm going nowhere better. I'M TORN APART! and I believe YOU are the one who should fix me up before I'm broken to pieces and give it up all!"

"stop complaining, you stupid beloved child of Mine," He snapped at me. "I've been carrying you all this time. you're weak, but you've never been stronger with me. my power is yours! how many times should I tell you this? how many times should I show you this? I'm not letting you break into pieces. but if I do, that only means I want you to lean on Me, to count on Me.. on Me and Me ALONE. have I ever let you down? have I ever failed you? you survived the darkest storm in your life. THAT should teach you something."

I stared angrily at Him. "don't go over it again and again. that's history. I'm living in the presence. and I have this future so dark ahead of me. I CAN'T BEAR IT AND SINCE YOU ARE GOD, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!"

"I AM GOD, INDEED. I reign over time and space. I keep my promises. I never promised that everything will be easy. no way. I promise you strength to go through it, wisdom to find your way, love to keep you warm... just do everything you can do. remember your limits. leave the rest to me. I will take care of it. I will take care of you, like I always do. I never failed taking care of you, did I? I love you just too much, just too much..."

"oh God, my dear God, I just don't know how to go on," I whispered back.

"you don't need to. take one step at a time. the world can wait. do everything in faith. you may not be able to do it, but I can do it. cry if you must. I created tears to help you too, you know. but after you dry your tears, start again. just don't give up. I'm here with you. I'm here working it out with you. I'm here loving you tremendously. and don't you ever ever ever forget, I have all the power to do anything I want. I created everything from nothing. if I want you to be something, I can make it from scratch, that scratch you that you have always been complaining about. but if I want you to be just an ordinary woman--like you always call yourself, believe Me, you are still very very special. I created nothing ordinary. now, go back to your life. My blessings be with you. My love be with you. My power be with you." He smiled at me.

I could barely smile back at Him. "Okay. I hope next time it will be a more joyous talk."

He laughed. "It's always a joy for Me to talk to My children. just be yourself, whatever its state may be, and I will always be glad to talk to you."

I looked at Him, didn't know what else to say, and just said, "amen."

What love really means

And now that you’ll listen I’ll tell you that I...
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love, the love that you never knew...

it's not the end of the world

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed

This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world

Another Quote

"I let Richard walk out on me. I think he'd have gone anyway, but I just sat on the floor and watched him go. I didn't stand in his way. I figured it was his choice, and you cant hold someone if they don't want to be held. If someone really wants to be free of you, you have to let them go. Well, fuck that, fuck that all to hell. Don't go, Asher, please, don't go. I love the way your hair shines in the light. I love that way you smile when you're not trying to hide or impress anyone. I love your laughter. I love the way your voice can hold sorrow like the taste of rain. I love the way you watch Jean-Claude when he moves through a room, when you don't think anyone's watching, because its exactly the way I watch him. I love your eyes. I love your pain. I love you."
— Laurell K. Hamilton (Cerulean Sins)

I Quit Missing You

I know you won't miss me.
You'll be just fine.
I'm the one who will have trouble
keeping you off my mind.
----someone's blog----

It's kind of stupid, to keep on missing someone who just won't miss you.
It's kind of pointless, to keep on missing someone who plainly said you are not needed in this mortal life.
It's kind of painful, to keep on missing someone who will never even notice if you are not around.
It's kind of annoying, to keep on missing someone who never bothered to value your presence.

I'm about to write a comment like that in that blog I quoted but then hesitated to do so.
The blog's writer just have to find out herself/himself.

God hath not promised

God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

God hath not promised we shall not know
Toil and temptation, trouble and woe;
He hath not told us we shall not bear
Many a burden, many a care.

God hath not promised smooth roads and wide,
Swift, easy travel, needing no guide;
Never a mountain, rocky and steep,
Never a river, turbid and deep.

But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
  Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

-Annie Johnson Flint, 1919-

indescribable

don't go away
not now
not anytime while I'm here
not anytime while I'm near

just don't
don't
don't
don't
don't
don't
ever
go
away

ask me the same
and
I
will never
go
away

A Wish, A Prayer

There are a rare few occasions that I wish I were someone else. This is one of them. I wish I were someone smarter and someone stronger to work harder, much harder. No, I'm not jealous of him being so damn smart (oh yes, at times I have been ALMOST jealous, but since he's so kind, I left it at "almost" state). No, I'm not jealous either of those people who can sit for hours and study hard. I know I have my limits. Too many limits. I'm not complaining about that, I know God loves me still the same. I just wish, oh for this one time in life, I can be smarter and stronger to work longer.

But I'm not. I believe in miracles but I don't think God would make miracles on my final exam. So let this be my prayer. Let me still be grateful for whatever I am, let me still be grateful for whatever my exam results, let me be still grateful that through all this hard work I have never been alone, let me stand strong if disappointments come along. And all in all, let my life always glorify your name, let my life be a blessing to others... It all comes from you, it all belongs to you, and it all will come back to you. I love you, God, more than everything. In Jesus name I believe you are listening and you have answered me. Amen.

How Could I?

Why did I forget? How could I?

You used to be my baby brother, remember? The one I always want to protect from the world. Our mother used to tell how sad and angry I would be if anyone dared teasing you, my beloved little brother. I would stand against the world and hugged you lovingly. I have always wanted to share everything with you, you were the centre of my world, our baby world.

You used to be my guardian angel, remember? The one who always took me everywhere since I never had any friends with me. You took me to play kites with you, play the marbles with all your friends. You taught me how to ride a two-wheeled bike when I only knew how to ride a four-wheeled one. You would cry harder when I hurt myself, falling from that bike because you have always thought that it was your duty to take care of me, your little big sister.

You used to be my best friend, remember? We could talk for hours and never run out of stuffs to talk about. I used to adapt your views, you took mine, without questions. I have always been proud of you, my handsome and kind-hearted brother. The world might prefer you to me, given that you are a world much nicer and easier to get along with, given that you were (and still are) so likeable but it would only made me even more proud to be your old little sister.

You used to be my biggest enemy, remember? We have fought over everything, yelled at each other, saying horrible things, hurting each other like no one else could do. You have hurt me the way no one else in the world could do. I know I have hurt you in the most unbelieveable ways too, and I hope your heart has mended somehow.

But we used to be the best team ever, remember? We took care of our parents when we grew up. We helped our parents over problems on our younger brother and sister. We, just the two of us, held our tears and worked out all the necessities for our beloved father funeral. You hugged me tightly when I was sobbing uncontrollably, I comforted you in my arms through your overflowing tears, but then we strengthen each other like no one could do.

And now, oh now, do you know that you are still my baby brother, my guardian angel, one of my best friends, and my best team mate? So why, I wonder, why in the world I forgot such an important thing in your life? How could I have missed that precious moment?

Look at you, beloved brother, now a father of a very beautiful baby girl. Be the best. Make her be proud of you, make her look up to you, make her love you so, just like I always do to our father. So happy for you. Have an awesome family in the love of our God!

A Quote

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

-Neil Gaiman-

*ohhhh, just get back to workkkkkkkkkk*

Waiting for You to Say Hi First

I just found that there are some facebook group on this. Can anybody believe that? Facebook groups, yeah, of people waiting for someone else to say hi first. Here what I found:

1. waiting for you to say "Hi" on msn first so i dont think im bothering you
2.I dont say hi to you cause im waiting for you to say hi first :D
3. when your online, i stare at your name waiting for you to say hi first
4. i didnt say hi to youu b/c i was waiting for you to come say hi to me first

Well, one of them is a page, the others are groups.

And well, this is a totally random and pointless post.

And yeah, since you won't say hi to me first and I really need your help, I would just say hi first. Rule of the world. Period.

could could could this be love :|

again, new year; again, exams

every past needs a pardon, every present needs a purpose, every future needs a hope. each new year is like any redemption, comes not by our making but by his grace. the dream that too impossible to dare, start it; that mountain too big to climb, move it; that shame you're afraid will be known, confess it; old things have passed away, behold, all things have become new! *that exams you are so scared about, face it:D*

New Year Resolutions

Huh? So do I need one, eh?

I quit making one years ago when I realized that I never stick to them for more than a couple of days. I didn't even think of them when I was staring with envy at the glimpse of fireworks around the uni through my flat window. It came to my mind when someone at the church talked about it today.

Think of something, big or small, just something. It can be something about the world, the country, the people, the war. It can be something smaller, related to someone or something in particular. Just think of something that you would like to be different: to happen or not to happen again. Think how you can make a difference on making it happen or not happen again. Think how God could have make a difference in that situation. Think how our prayers and acts could have make a difference.

And I could think of nothing. Nothing at all. Oh, how miserable I am. Yes, that what I will call misery. The state where I cannot think of others, cannot care more for others, cannot pray for others, cannot love others. The state when I believe that life, that the world, is all about me, about my life, my work, my future, my friends, my happiness, my other super important things. What a shame, coming from me who will never hesitate and has never hesitated to confess how lucky I am to be loved the way I am loved, how lucky I am to be blessed, to be saved, to be what I am.

So that will be my new year resolution. I will learn to love others. I will learn to love unconditionally. I know it will be a lifetime learning. But I am learning from the best, the One who has loved me and will always love unconditionally. And at least now I will start learning. I will pick one name everyday and pray for that person. I will pick one name everyday and think of something that will make that person better off. I will pick one name everyday and think how the love of God will  make that person better off. I will pick one name everyday and think of how I can make a difference. And perhaps, someday, I will pick one name and start doing something for that person.

Someone in the past has picked my name and prayed for me. Someone in the past has thought of me and thought how my life can be better off. Someone in the past has done something good to me. Someone in the past has shown me that I was worthy of unconditional love. Let me be that "someone" to someone else everyday. Amen.

New Year

So what? Just another day? Just some silly people raving about where to spend the night before that day? Just some noises made by the fireworks and paper trumpets?

Not for me. Not for my family. At least, it used to be something special for the six of us: Bapak, Mama, me, and my three siblings. I really feel like an old lady for missing those good old days. The days when we did our ritual faithfully on every new year's eve.

We would go to the church for a new year's eve service. Yes, we have a new year's eve service at the church. The church. The church is the church my father used to attend before he met my mother. The church is the church where my father married my mother. The church is the church where I and all my siblings were baptized as infants, where my father was ordained as an elder, where I and my siblings has affirmed our faith and received our first communion, where the funeral service on behalf of my father was held. That church. The church.

We would go home and prepare for our family worship, around midnight. My father would lead the worship, all those old songs, almost all in Batakese, a language my parents used to speak to each other. We would read the Bible, give thanks for the past year and pray for the coming year. We would then have our says, that "mandok hata" tradition. Well, I used to hate it when I was very young. This was how it worked. Starting from the youngest, one would go to the next older person, hold his/her hand, apologize for all the wrongs done during the last year --sometimes vaguely, but we loved to make it very specific, many times extremely specific since the six of us tend to remember so many things very well-- and thank him/her for all nice things. And go on to the next older one. It could last for hours, depending on how melancholic you could be. It could also last only for a couple of minutes, when some other families joined in the ritual.

Then we would have our feast. Eat, eat, eat, until we fell asleep.

Does not sound very special? Yeah, when I read it again, it does not sound that special. But I keep it dear to my heart, and it makes them extremely special. Ah, the good old days.

I am looking forward to some good new days.

Happy new year.

And if any of you reading this would like to do me a favour, pray for me and my coming exams, will you? I can feel my body shivers and my heart beats faster everytime I remember them. Anyways, I am planning to make this year a happy one indeed, no matter what is coming my way.

*cv4 7es, 01-01-11*
 

A Paradox

+ are you busy?

- no (closing the door behind him)
- why?
+ I'm kind of bored in my room and decided to come down to see if you are doing something interesting
- well (walking to the hallway, away from his door)
- I'm doing the past papers
+ oh
- me and X and Y is going to discuss the past paper
+ now? (and I wasn't invited before?)
- in a couple of hours
+ but it's new year's eve (and I come here because I miss my family so much and thought you are sort of family here)
- so? does it mean you don't need to work? to eat?
+ (puzzled)
+ ok, I will find something else more interesting to do (and hopefully someone else who is more interested in being my company)
- ok, bye (not even bothered to look at my face)
+ bye (walk away, would not bothered to look behind)

does not sound like best friends. might have never been best friends. may never be best friends.

and he's the best thing I got here.

what a perfect new year's eve.