My Messy Room, My Messy Life

Your room reflects your life. Okay, that's no quote from anyone. I made it up. I did because most of the time it's true for me. If my room is messy, then it means my life is messy. The messier my room is, the messier my life is. The more I hesitate to tidy up my room, then it means the more I hesitate to sort out my life. Sounds weird? Well, then it's me: weird.

Right now, right this second, my room is on the messiest state it has ever been in my whole life, among all rooms I have ever occupied. I have never been a tidy person by nature but I believe that I'm kind of an "organized messy girl" in which I can always find my stuff around my messy surrounding because I have this particular pattern of putting things in that mess. The same with my life, I have never been completely lost no matter what happen. I have always been able to figure it out, found a way out, be the champ.

But right now, right this second, I'm completely lost. It has been that way for a couple of weeks. I mean, I've been lost for a couple of months already but the worst ever ever ever is the last few weeks, as can be clearly described by the state of my room.

I was in the church earlier this morning, singing this song saying "Jesus, you're all my heart live for" and felt like having been struck by thunder. Coming back to my room, I can see that all this weeks (oh yes well, all this months), I, my heart, my mind, my all have been living for my worries. Eventually, now everything is in a mess, just like everything in my room.

When I look at it, trying hard to be honest to myself, I just have to admit that the worst of it all is not the mess I'm making with my dissertation, but the mess I've been living with on my relationship with God. The results have been disastrous: I messed up my academic life; I messed up my relationships with my friends and family; I recklessly let myself fall in love too deeply with a man that I can't help myself out of it; I neglected my own body and mind that I didn't have proper sleep, proper meals, proper quiet time; I ignored my spiritual needs, skipping Sunday service now and then, almost no heartful prayers, minimum Bible readings; I literally had no heart for people and was not able to have genuine compassion for others by most of the time putting myself, my needs, my ego, my feelings, my pride, my everything above all. I messed up every little bits of my life, of myself.

I looked at myself in the mirror this afternoon, barely knowing this woman I was looking at: selfish, insecure, heartless, demotivated, depressed, pessimist, full of inferior syndrome, gloomy. Where is that 22-years-old young woman I used to know, full of life, passionate, ready to conquer the world, crazily in love, so optimistic about everything, with faith unshaken on her God and Saviour, never hesitate to love others, to help others, to pray for others, to forgive others? Where is she? Has ten years of tides of life has beaten her, broken her, conquered her?

As I tidy up my room today, I pray that God help me tidying up my life. The world may have beaten me, broken me, conquered me. But I know, I believe, my God is still bigger than it all. He even created everything from nothing. He can and will create a new me from these ruins of a woman.

Aku Mau Tidur!!!

Udah rebahan sejam lebih, masih ngga bisa tidur. Halahhhhhh. Gimana ini mata dan body.... Waktunya kerja, pengen tidur. Waktunya tidur, ngga bisa nyenyak. Sampe pusing saking pengen tidur tapi tetep aja ngga bisa nyenyak. Tulung tulungggggggg. Hufff hufff.

New Motto

Okay. New motto now. If people don't want me, they won't have me for sure. If people do want me, that doesn't necessarily mean they will have me> I'm tired of being second best. Or third best. Or not-even-in-the-list best. Good bye. Carpe diem.

What about Friends

Keep on wondering if I'm becoming too sensitive again, but really hate it when I feel ignored by the people who are supposed to be my "best friends". Well, okay, maybe I'm just too sensitive but these two best friends walked back with me to our flats tonight and they wouldn't give me space to walk on the same row with them. I kept on running to this side, then that side, and this side again because every time they would move with this particular pattern so that I couldn't walk on the same row. I always ended up walking behind them. Like a servant. Like a beggar.

Well, talking about beggars, I start to feel like I have been begging to be considered as their friends all this time. They prefer to be on their own, or at least one of them prefers to be without me among them. I'm just too stubborn not to be considered as a part of them. Or too stupid. Or too lonely. Or too hopeless.

WTH then. If they don't want me, they won't have me. They can't choose to have me sometime and not having me the other times. Enough of these running to this side and that side and this side and that side every time. Enough of being nice friends only during lunches and dinners. So they don't want me, then they won't have me. They can be on their own, choose the friends they like. I'm fine.

Yea, maybe I'm just being too sensitive. So what?

Renaissance!

Jadwal besok:
06.00: bangun, jogging
07.00: sarapan, mandi, doa pagi
08.30: kelarin draft surat
09.00: masak nasi buat siang, jalan ke library
12.00: jalan balik, makan siang
13.30: balik ke library
18.00: jalan balik, makan malem
19.30: balik ke library
10.30: balik, mandi, doa malem
12.00: tidorrrr

Tips dari teman-teman tersayang:
1. terima kenyataan, semua udah kejadian
2. maju!
3. taat, semua masih dalam rencana Tuhan
4. Tuhan sayang gue, Tuhan sayang gue, Tuhan sayang gue.

Ayo, laskar pemenang!!!

My Promises

I promise
not to let myself be broken
no matter how dark the road is
no matter how tough the climb is
no matter how vast the ocean is

I promise
not to let myself be bitter
no matter how sad I am
no matter how disappointed I am
no matter how angry I am

I promise
not to let myself stop loving
no matter how many times I am rejected
no matter how painful it can be
no matter how stupid it seems

And I promise
to keep on having faith
in myself
in people that God put around me
in my Saviour and Redeemer

So help me, God.

My Current Starred Playlist

Did I tell anybody that now I'm using Spotify? Unlimited, it is, for a couple quids every month. I can make my own playlist from millions of songs available online, or no playlist and just pick an album or an artist in random. I can star anything I want and it will make its own "starred playlist". Cool isn't it? Haha. Just something else to play around when I can't focus on this reading (which is most of the time). In no particular order, this is my current starred playlist and some parts of the lyrics that keep humming in my head:

1. Chasing Pavements, Adele, 19
*should I give up or should I just keep on chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere*

2. The Last Goodbye, David Cook, This Loud Morning
*but wherever we are we're miles apart... this is the last goodbye*

3. We believe, David Cook, This Loud Morning
*we believe that tomorrow carries something new  and after everything we've been going through, we believe*

4. Circadian, David Cook, This Loud Morning
*mayday, somebody save me now, I'm cutting all ties from the world outside*

5. Somewhere in Brooklyn, Bruno Mars, Doo-Wops & Hooligans
*I wonder will we ever meet again, I wonder if we ever meet again*

6. Talking to the Moon, Bruno Mars, Doo-Wops & Hooligans
*talking to the moon, try to get to you, and hope you on the other side talking to me too*

7. Marry You, Bruno Mars, Doo-Wops & Hooligans
*it's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do, hey baby I think I'm gonna marry you*

8. Just the Way You are, Bruno Mars, Doo-Wops & Hooligans
*when I see your face, there's not a thing I would change 'cause you're amazing the way you are*

9. The Lazy Song, Bruno Mars, Doo-Wops & Hooligans
*today I don't feel like doing anything, I just wanna lay in my bed*

10. I Do, Colbie Caillat, All of You
*you make me wanna say I do I do I do I do I do I do love you*

11. Brighter than the Sun, Colbie Caillat, All of You
*this is how it starts, lighting strikes the heart, it goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
we could be the stars, falling from the sky, shining how we want, brighter than the sun*

12. Lookin' for a Good Time, Lady Antebellum, Lady Antebellum
*complicated situation only get worse in the morning light... hey I'm just looking for a good time*

13. I was Here, Lady Antebellum, I was Here
*I wanna do something that matters, say something different,
something that sets the whole world on its ears... touch a few hearts in this life*

14. Just a Kiss, Lady Antebellum, Just a Kiss
*just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight, just a touch in the fire burning so bright
I don't wanna mess this thing up, I don't wanna push too far*

15. Learning to Fly, Jason Castro, Changing Colors
*I'm learning to fly but I ain't get wings, coming down is the hardest thing*

16. Undiscovered, James Morrison, Undiscovered
*I'm not lost, I'm not lost, just undiscovered*

17. Broken Strings, James Morrison & Nelly Furtado, Songs for You, Truths for Me
*I tried to hold on but it hurts too much, I tried to forgive but it's not enough to make it's all okay*

18. See You, Josh Wilson, See You
*but on the darkest days I won't let go, it will still be well within my soul, even when the answers don't come easily*

19. Never Alone, Lady Antebellum, Never Alone
*this isn't good bye, my love will follow you, stay with you, baby you're never alone*

20. Blessings, Laura Story, Blessings
*what if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy*

21. Right in Front of Me, Josh Wilson, Life is not a Snapshot
*maybe this is what it means to question you and still believe,
to search and still be satisfied, to know and yet to wonder why,
to put my faith in things I doubt, to love what I can't figure out*

22. Shine on Us, Josh Wilson, See You
*but finding peace is way too hard when you're looking in the dark*

Kamar Gue Hari Ini

Gini nih kalo mau ngoceh tapi ngga ada pemirsa yang bisa disuru dengerin ocehan gue. Para pria lagi di WBS, kerjain disertasi. Para wanita lagi di library, kerjain disertasi. Tetanggal-tetangga ngga ada yang nongol di dapur, sepertinya sih lagi di kamar masing-masing ngerjain disertasi. Ya iyalah, secara kan ini lagi musim disertasi. Gue aja yang gatel pengen ngoceh. Masalahnya, udah ngga ada pendengar setia, topiknya pun emang ngga ada yang menarik.

Jadi ya udahlah, gue ngoceh aja tentang kaya apa kamar gue hari ini. Kalo mau versi pendek, udah kaya kapal abis kena angin topan sehari semalam. Versi panjangnya kaya gini. Di kasur, ada duvet dan bantal yang bergulung-gulung ngga keruan. Jelas aja, bangun tidur cuma gue lempar doang sesuka hati. di pojok deket bantal, ada Charlie Bear dan boneka cantik gue. Si cantik terbaring telentang sementara si beruang tengkurep dengan muka yang jauh-jauh dari si cantik, seakan lagi ngga mood liat rambut berantakan boneka gue itu. Di pojok sini ada kaos kaki tidur gue, kelipet-lipet ngga keruan. Ada juga tempat kamera gue, terbaring pasrah. Di meja dekt ranjang, ada berupa-rupa barang: segala charger, bando, kunci, gunting, pelembab, bedak, lipstick, lip lgoss, jepit rambut, Frommer's Scandinavia, buku resep marinade, sisir, dan sesenti debu. Haha.

Di meja kerja (taelah, meja kerja, kaya banyak aja gue kerja, huhu), ada laptop gue (tentunya). Di balik laptop ada setumpuk struk belanja yang ngga gue buang karena entah apa (mungkin karena gue belanjanya pake kartu debet jadi berasa mungkin tar-tar bakal butuh lagi ntu struk-struk sejibun) dan kotak hand blender. Trus ada lampu meja, dompet, gelas, botol minum, cangkir kertas kopi Costa, sunglasses, handphone, piring kecil dengan sekerat pizza (frozen, udah dioven) sisa sarapan tadi pagi, kotak tissue, telepon meja, kotak kue yang isinya dua biji cupcake yang dikasi temen gue dua bulan lalu (hah, untung emang bukan cake seger tuh), bolpen, pensil, penghapus, setumpuk keras di pojok sana, satu buku Horrid Henry dan Probability with Martingales dan akhirnya jreng jreng jreng ordner isi bahan bacaan gue hari ini.

Di lantai, di atas karpet maksudnya, ini dia yang paling heboh. Haha. Oke, gue mulai dari pojok deket jendela dan terus bergerak sampe pojok deket pintu, Ada tong sampah item kecil jelek, kantong kertas isi plastik-plastik ngga jelas yang disimpen karena suka butuh buat tempat-tempat yang sama ngga jelasnya, kertas-kertas bekas buat coret-coret curhat bahan revision gue, dua biji ordner yang abis gue bolak balik minggu lalu, satu dua tiga empat lima enam tas. Duileh, buat apa ada enam tas di lantai yah: satu tas jalan gue, satu tas yang kemaren dipake ngadep Opa Tony nanya-nanya Time Series, satu tas selempang kulit, satu tas ransel, satu tas belanja buat ke Tesco, satu tas piknik yang kemaren abis dibawa jalan ama anak-anak. Hufff hufff. Oh, ada satu lagi tas Clarks yang di dalemnya ada tas beneran Clarks. Dow. Maksud gue, itu tas memang adalah tas buat menyimpan tas. Bingung kan. Trus lagi, ada empat wadah makanan sisa piknik kemaren, satu botol minum, empat kantong belanja: dua kantong Primark punya temen gue (dia nitip doang), dua kantong Next: satu hasil belanja gue, satunya emang tempat tas piknik pas abis dikasi ama temen gue yang laen lagi. Eh, masi ada tiga kantong belanja lagi deng. Satu kantong Gap hasil berburu kapan tau dan kantong Monsoon isi baju dan sepatu buat ponakan gue dan satu kantong Pattiserie Francais yang isinya cake awetan sisa kemaren piknik. Trus ada sendal kamar gue dan sepatu-sepatu yang belum gue balikin dengan rapi ke kardus masing-masing. Dan satu lagi, koper gede gue yang di ats nya nangkring dengan manis dua biji cardigan dan bantal kursi gue, ada pula jigsaw puzzle yang udah kelar dikerjain dan gulungan yang blon kelar dikerjain, dan satu kardus isi kertas-kertas yang mau gue buang tapi blon sempet buang. Gitu deh.

Singkat kata, ngga ada space di lantai gue kecuali selebar dua puluh senti antara kursi gue dan pintu keluar. Hahah. Dan kegilaan ini belum akan berakhir dalam waktu singkat. Semoga Tuhan berkenan menolong saya. Hufff hufff.

Mayday

Who's to say you're never wrong
Who's to say that I'm not already gone
Who's to say the time inside your head
Keeps running on and on and on and on

Who's to say we'll make it through
Starting to believe that what we think is never true
And who's to say the rhymes beside your bed
Will keep you warm when everything is getting colder
And I'm just holding on until it's over

Mayday
Somebody save me now
I'm closing my eyes
'Cause once the sun rises
It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands

Who's to say this history
Isn't only just some winter's distant memory
You can't escape this drying ink
The fall of who we are is getting closer
And I'm just holding on until it's over

Mayday
Somebody save me now
I'm cutting all ties
From the world outside
'Cause it's over my head
It's all coming undone
And falling apart somehow
I'm closing my eyes
'Cause once the sun rises
It's out of my hands
Oh it's out of my hands

The light pulls me under
And I keep on caving in

Mayday
Somebody save me now
I'm cutting all ties
From the world outside
'Cause it's over my head
My head
My head
It's all coming undone
And falling apart somehow
And I'm closing my eyes
'Cause once the sun rises
It's out of my hands
Oh it's out of my hands

-Circadian, David Cook-

Bisa Bisa Bisa

Bisa!
Pasti bisa!
Gue cukup pinter
Gue cukup cerdas
Gue ngga bodoh
Gue ngga lamban
Gue cuma beda

Cara gue beda
Waktu gue beda
Hasil gue beda
Pemikiran gue beda

Gue beda karena gue unik
Gue beda karena gue istimewa
Gue beda karena Tuhan sayang gue

Tapi gue ngga bodoh
Gue ngga bodoh
Gue ngga bodoh
Gue bisa selesaikan ini
Gue bisa

Gue pasti bisa!

Carpe diem!!!

Questions

How low can you go?
How deep can you fall?
How much pain can you bear?
How often can you survive?

How high is heaven?
How good is God?
How deep is grace?
How far is help?

I'm not questioning my faith.
I'm just lost.

Janji Pramuka

Demi kehormatanku, aku berjanji ngga bakalan fesbukan sampe minggu depan, 17 Juli 2011.
Demi kehormatanku, aku berjanji bakal sungguh-sungguh ngebenerin otak yang cuma seuprit ini.
Demi kehormatanku, aku berjanji bakal sungguh-sungguh ngerawat badan yang cuma selembar ini.

Kiranya Tuhan menolong aku.

The Road

This road I'm taking
Dusty, windy, misty, cloudy
Nothing can be barely seen
Not even a single step forward
So I just stand still
Streams of water running down my cheeks
Is it raining?
Or is it splash for the fountain nearby?
Is there any fountains nearby?
It couldn't be tears
I know it for sure
Too much of it have been shed
Nothing left now
Nothing

This road I'm taking
May not be dusty, windy, misty, nor cloudy
It could be my head that's been covered
My eyes that have been tightly closed
So I just stand still
Consciously letting the streams of water
Run again, again, again, down my cheeks
Hugging myself, giving it all the love it deserves
Giving it all the respect it deserves
Giving it all the time it needs
To take this road

This road
My road to recovery

M'Aidez!

Now I really think I should have done what they told me months ago: find a professional help. I have always thought friends are better help then any professionals. Now I doubt it. Friends get pissed off with you. Friends get bored with you. Friends get tired with your helplessness. Friends have limits to stand your hysteria. Friends are not there to bear your stupidity. Friends get impatient with your inability to ask questions properly, your incompetence to express yourself correctly. Friends have their own problems which most of the time they will never share with you, for some reasons, or for no reasons. So, professional help it is.

After some googling and some calling, a man got through. He named the price and I had my hundredth heart attack: EIGHTY POUNDS PER HOUR. Oh my, the price that I have to pay just for being my-wicked-helpless-self. I think I will just give it a try. Anyways, the me I know worth a hell lot more than eighty pounds per hour. At least I know I have done EVERYTHING to get through this stage of life. I don't even know the difference between humbled and humiliated now. Just bring it on then, get me some help. Carpe diem.

Fokus!

Fokus!
Fokus!
Fokus sekarang dan bisa liat Geiranger Fjord nanti!

Fokus!
Fokus!
Fokus sekarang dan bisa bengong liatin aurora borealis nanti!

Fokus!
Fokus!
Lupain dulu yang lain!
If something (or someone) is really meant for you, it will still be for you, now or later!

Jadi,
Fokus!
Fokus!
Maju berperang, laskar Kristus!!!

Orhan Pamuk

My mind is really playing tricks on me. I may very well give up everything before ending up killing myself. Oh, okay, it's a hyperbole, I'm not going to kill myself for sure but I really lose sight of the purpose of keep on trying to work hard if I cannot concentrate on any single thing I try to do.

Now, no connection at all with the previous paragraph, let's iterate my beloved Orhan Pamuk quotes.

Tell me then, does love make one a fool or do only fools fall in love? -My Name is Red-

The first thing I learned at school was that some people are idiots; the second thing I learned was that some are even worse. -Istanbul: Memories and the City-

How much can we ever know about the love and pain in another heart? How much can we hope to understand those who have suffered deeper anguish, greater deprivation, and more crushing disappointments than we ourselves have known? -Snow-

It may not happen in the first instant, but within ten minutes of meeting a man, a woman has a clear idea of who he is, or at least who he might be for her, and her heart of hearts has already told her whether or not she's going to fall in love with him.

I am nothing but a corpse now, a body at the bottom of a well. -My Name is Red-

As much as I live I shall not imitate them or hate myself for being different to them. -Snow-

The entire world was like a palace with countless rooms whose doors opened into one another. We were able to pass from one room to the next only by exercising our memories and imaginations, but most of us, in our laziness, rarely exercised these capacities, and forever remained in the same room.

And yes, I read My Name is Red but really forget whether I finished the book or not. Maybe not. Seems like I haven't reached the part where the murderer was concealed. And yes, I really didn't find that love story between Black and Shekure (or whatever her name is) to be appealing at all. But overall, it was an interesting read.. just not my cup of tea. (Mental Note: seems like Snow worth reading)

Tentang Pengendalian Diri

Setelah gue pikir-pikir, taulah yah, dengan daya pikir gue yang ngga seberapa ini, gue menyimpulkan bahwa kelemahan terbesar gue saat ini adalah pengendalian diri. Kalo mau jujur sih, sebenernya gue ngga perlu mikir juga buat sampe di kesimpulan ini, kan adek gue juga udah sering bilang... "Intinya cuma pengendalian diri, kakkkkk,". Huffff. Mungkin ini bakalan jadi pelajaran dan pelatihan seumur idup buat gue, dengan kecepatan belajar gue yang super lelet itu, gue akan -seperti biasa- maju dua langkah, mundur satu langkah, maju dua langkah lagi, mundur satu langkah. Ya semoga aja kaya gitu. Jangan sampe maju satu langkah trus mundur dua langkah... minus dah. Jadiiiii, mari kita analisa satu persatu.

1. Mengendalikan perasaan
Gue gampang banget kebawa perasaan. Misalnya, gue lagi sedih karena sesuatu, bisa-bisanya tuh segala sesuatu di sekitar gue malah jadi ikut-ikutan bikin gue sedih. Contoh soal, gue sedih karena si ganteng pujaan hati gue ngga nyapa gue sama sekali hari ini (penting banget yah), maka bahkan masakan babi rica gue yang biasa-biasa itu aja bakal ikutan bikin gue sedih. Padahal kan biasanya si babi rica itu juga rasanya kaya gitu, orang pake bumbu instan Munik, manalah berubah rasanya. Tapi bisa tuh gue jadi sedih banget karena rasa masakan gue yang seadanya. Lebay emang.

2. Mengendalikan pikiran
Pikiran gue tuh gampang banget lari-lari ke mana-mana. Ke arah yang ngga penting sama sekali, alias susah fokus. Bisa-bisanya gitu yah, gue lagi ngerjain tugas trus tiba-tiba pikiran bilang sama gue, "elo mau mati-matian juga ngerjain itu tugas sebagus-bagusnya, paling-paling tar dapet nilainya sekitar 50-60 doang.. bagus bisa dapet 60, biasanya juga kepala 5 udah gitu kurusssss... mending sekarang fesbukan aja, lebih asik." Padahal yah, apa sih sebenernya pentingnya dan asiknya fesbukan? Huffff.

3. Mengendalikan mood
Ini yang paling susah. Gue tau sih, mustinya mood itu kan berhubungan ama perasaan dan pikiran, tapi seringan gue tiba-tiba ngga mood buat ngapa-ngapain padahal gue sih ngga merasa lagi merasakan apapun yang aga-aga lebay dan pikiran gue terus-terusan bilang sama gue, "Ayo dong, Ndangseeeee mulai kerjaaaa. You're running out of time and you don't have all day to do this simple thing." Tapi tetep aja, gue bakal duduk diam dan bengong dan ngga ngapa-ngapain, Kadang bisa sehari penuh. Oh my.

Dan sekarang gue tiba-tiba males nerusin tulisan gue ini. Halahhhhh. Payah nih gueeee. Mungkin gue sebaiknya mandi dan mulai bekerja. Kerja, kerja, kerjaaaaaa!!!!

Stupid

Love is when he is mean to you and you still want him
It's when he ignores you and you still love him
It's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say, "I'm happy for you,"
when all you want to do is cry

Now, really, whoever wrote those lines is a complete idiot, stupid to the max.
I can't really understand why would people keep wanting someone who is mean to them.
And would not stop wanting that someone either.
I can't really understand.
I can't.
I just can't.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who in the land is fairest of all?

Oh well, all mirrors in the world will agree that it just will never be me. It's okay. I can live with it. I can live with the fact that I'm no beauty, no angel, no golden heart sweetie, a no brainer. I can live with my shortcomings. I don't mind, nothing I can do with them anyways. I try to look tidy, to behave well, to be nice as much as I can, to work as hard as possible, but that's it. No matter what, I'm still no beauty, no angel, and a no brainer. But, it matters when people start making jokes about them when I am in the lowest state of it all. Well, it's just different if a guy I find very very very attractive start saying, "Oh, you are not that attractive," in the middle of our jokes (and my mind will reply: oh yeah, I know you will never look at me in awe like the way you look at those gorgeous girls; and you're so kind to remind me of that).  It's different when a so damn smart friend start teasing, "Only today?" just when I tell how stupid I feel in a particular day. Oh yeah, of course, most of the time I'm so stupid, I know that. Compared to a very smart person? Ah, I look like a complete moron for sure. Well, I am dumb but not without brain at all for not knowing that I am a dumb. At least, that I know. I know it's only a joke, but it's a hard to swallow joke, really, when someone who is better of than me making jokes of my handicap.

Huffff. So, mirror, mirror on the wall, I know you won't tell me that I'm the fairest of all because I'm clearly not, but please please, really no need to remind me of my not so gracious look, of my brainless head, of my unappealing quality...