Sepuluh Jam Lagi

Sepuluh jam sebelum deadline, akhirnya gue mendapat pencerahan. Ooooo ternyata cara ngerjainnya begonoooo. Hohohoho. Ngarti gue sekarang... Ngga susah-susah amat ternyata yee. Eke aja yang kelewatan dungu. Hahaha. Dan dalam keadaan kaya gini, gue punya dua pilihan: mengeluhkan betapa dungunya gue, sampe hal begitu sederhana aja perlu dua hari buat gue bisa ngerti, atau bersyukur dan bersukacita karena akhirnya gue bisa ngerti dan karena Bapa yang baik emang bener-bener nolong... Telah dijanjikan dan telah digenapi. Hehehe. Brain damage gue aga sembuh dikit kayanya malam ini. Mari bekerja lagi. Ganbaru! Tuhan pasti tolong!

Tujuh Jam Saja

Setelah tujuh jam diwarnai semangat, takut, frustasi, telpon sana sini, browsing sana sini, baca sana sini, ulang baca lagi, tarik napas panjang, berusaha makan, bikin teh susu, baca lagi, telpon lagi, pelajari coding-nya, akhirnya gue ngarti juga ini sebenernya tugas gue apaan. Hah. Baru ngarti apa maksud tugasnya gitu. Gimana cari ngerjainnya mah perkara laen, meneketehe deee. 35 jam menjelang deadline. Taelah, menghitung mundur, bossssss...

A Series of Unfortunate Events

A series of unfortunate events indeed. Doh.

Pertama, class test gue yang bikin gue kalang kabut. Diajak belajar bareng, udah ada contoh soal, udah dikasih tau ama temen-temen gimana cara ngerjain itu contoh soal. Gue udah ngerti. Gue udah berusaha inget. Tetep aja pas harinya gue lupa. Doh. Paling banter setengahnya gue bisa kerjain. Bisa, belum tentu bener. Kurang tidur seminggu penuh. Unfortunate event #1.

Kedua, class test lagi. Gue belajar kaya kesetanan. Mati-matian berusaha ngerti. Salah gue sih, ngga nyicil dari tiap hari kuliah, malah asik ngejer ketinggalan gue di programming, akhirnya jadi kedodoran di mana-mana. Tapi gue mati-matian juga berusaha inget, kali ini bener-bener inget, cara ngerjain semua contoh soal. Sialnya, yang keluar adalah soal dari ujian taon lalu yang gue ngga sempet baca. Dan definisi. Entah kenapa, kali ini gue melewatkan definisi. Yo olooooooo ditanya definisi aja ga bisa jawab. Berasa bego sebego-begonya. Bego kumplit. Bego tingkat mahir. Kali ini bahkan gue ngga bisa ngerjain setengahnya. Kurang tidur seminggu penuh, bahkan sampe urat saraf ikutan tegang. Unfortunate event #2.

Ketiga, tugas bikin program gue. Amat sangat beruntung dibantu sebantu-bantunya ama sobat gue yang baik hati. Gue duduk bareng dia berhari-hari dan dia amat sangat bermurah hati, pria berhati malaikatlah. Bisa-bisa kalo gue dilamar detik ini sama dia langsung gue iyain aja dah. Doh. Brain damage beneran. Sialnya, hari terakhir seblon submit, report yang gue tulis dengan susah payah tiba-tiba ilang. Nangis bombay dah gue. Cape, ngantuk, kesel, sampe ga bisa makan dan harus ngerjain lagi. Kurang tidur seminggu penuh. Ga bisa makan beberapa hari. Dan gue pun tumbang. Setumbang-tumbangnya. Badan gue ga sanggup menanggung beban hidup. Gue udah mikir gue bakalan pingsan di lab pas gue ngerjain ulang itu report. Pulang dengan keadaan oleng, sendiri pula. Kesian amat dah nih anak ilang. Unfortunate event #3.

Keempat, tiga hari gue yang berharga terbuang percuma. Yang pertama, karena gue musti ngerjain ulang report gue. Yang dua hari selanjutnya karena gue tumbang, oleng, dan bahkan berdiri dengan tegak dan berjalan di satu garis pun gue ngga bisa. Udah mau pulang aja gue tadinya, gue pikir gue udah bakal lewat. Yo olooooo bakalan lewat gara2 kebanyakan kerja. Ga kebayang dah. Nasib jadi orang dungu... Unfortunate event #4.

Kelima, hari ini, gue submit sepuluh menit seblon deadline. Dan gue baru sadar beberapa menit sebelum submit kalo sepertinya gue milih model yang salah. Panik. Bingung. Ganti model ato biarin aja? Hadoh, kurang dari 20 menit seblon deadline. Gue masih punya tugas lainnya, yang bobotnya lebih besar, yang gue belum mulai sama sekali, yang gue bahkan ga tau mau mulai dari mana. Gue ngga gitu peduli kalo nilai gue dikurangin asal gue bisa ngerjain dengan bener. Masalahnya, gue ngga punya waktu... Gue musti ngerjain yang lain. Akhirnya gue submit apa adanya. Trus iseng gue coba-coba ngerjain pake model yang gue pikir sepertinya bener. Astagaaaaaa. Pengen jejeritan (dan udah beneran jejeritan). Sebenernya bisa gue ganti dalam lima menit. Arrrrrggggghhhhhh. Setelah kerja non stop dalam 18 jam, ga tidur, ngantuk dan cape banget, cuma buat nyadar kalo gue bikin kesalahan fatal. Dasar dodol. Dodoli dodolipret. Unfortunate event #5.

Dan sekarang gue tarik nafas panjang. Life goes on. Leave them behind. Apapun yang terjadi, Tuhan gue yang baik tetep bersama gue. Faktor kesalahan gue banyak banget dalam semua unfortunate events itu, gue tau. Mustinya gue kerja lebih keras sejak awal term. Mustinya gue ngga kebanyakan maen internet dan fesbukan. Mustinya gue lebih fokus ama tujuan gue ada di sini. Noted lah. Mengucap syukurlah dalam segala hal. Makasih, Tuhan, buat keselamatan yang Engkau udah kasih. Beri gue kekuatan untuk ngerjain satu tugas terakhir ini. Mengerjakannya dengan benar, seperti yang Engkau mau. No matter what, I'm gonna love you still. Amen.

When You Feel So Tired but You Can't Sleep

Setelah seminggu terakhir belajar kaya kesetanan, tidur 5 jam sehari dan selain makan, masak, cuci piring, dan mandi, ngga ada aktivitas lain selain melototin continuous time finance for interest rate models. Kerja lebih dari 15 jam sehari dan tidur cuma 5 jam mungkin ngga kedengeran berat buat orang laen. Tapi buat gue, rasanya seperti neraka (well, gue ngga tau sih neraka rasanya kaya apa dan jangan sampe tau lah, tapi yang jelas rasanya setengah mampus banget). Setelah akhirnya class test yang ditunggu-tunggu lewat, badan gue pun rasanya hampir lewat. Rontok serontok-rontoknya. Padahal masih ada 3 tugas yang harus di-submit dalam 2 minggu. Padahal dengan kecepatan kura-kura dan kemampuan otak dungu gue ini, biasanya gw baru bisa kelarin satu tugas dalam satu minggu. Artinya, gue musti udah siap siaga lagi kerja kaya kesetanan.

Gue berencana untuk tidur dengan layak malam ini. Tekad gue sudah bulat, malam ini musti tidur layaknya bangsawan. Haduh, emang kalo bangsawan tidurnya gimana yah, hihi. Pokonya malam ini tidur nikmat senikmat-nikmatnya.

Gue pulang dari skolaan nyaris tengah malam. Kepala udah sakit sesakit-sakitnya karena maksain mikirin itu C++ tercinta dalam keadaan kurang tidur. Tekad bulat gue tambah bulat aja, tidur yang sedap malam ini. Ganti baju, cuci muka, ogah sikat gigi, langsung pake kaos kaki tidur gue yang tebal dan hangat itu, dan ngumpet di bawah duvet. Setengah jam lewat, gue masih melotot. Wajarlah, gue pikir, my body is shutting down. Agak lama kali shutting down-nya, kan udah nge-hang selama seminggu toh. Satu jam, otak gue masih on terus. Facebook-an pake hp biasanya nolong jadi ngantuk. Nguap beberapa kali dan gue langsung tutup mata rapat-rapat. Satu setengah jam, gue masih ngga berdaya, terkapar dengan mata membelalak lebar. Dua jam, gue menyerah.

Dan gue pun bangkit dari kehangatan duvet gue. Gue buka komputer lagi, nyalain software buat ngerjain tugas, dan gue pun kerja lagi. Otak gue, sungguh, ngga sanggup mikir. Gue mau tidur, gue butuh tidur...

Gue pun mengerti, bahkan bisa tidur nyenyak di malam hari adalah suatu anugrah. Kalau suatu hari kelak gue merasa hidup gue begitu morat-marit dan rasanya ngga ada lagi kasih karunia dalam setiap langkah gue, setidaknya kalau gue masih bisa tidur nyenyak pada saat gue harus tidur, itu artinya masih ada anugrah dalam hidup gue.

18 Maret 2011

Jumat di minggu ke 10 term ke-2, minggu terakhir dan hari terakhir di term ini, ditutup dengan class test untuk mata kuliah kesayangan gue, sekaligus mata kuliah di mana gue jadi juaranya... dari belakang. Sekarang jam 9.15 pagi, class test-nya jam 1 siang dan gue udah menggigil ketakutan. Sejak nilai term lalu diumumkan, gue selalu menggigil denger kata exam, atau class test, atau project, atau assignment. Pokonya segala sesuatu yang berhubungan langsung dengan nilai. Untuk class test ini aja, gue udah abisin seminggu terakhir berkutat dengan lecture notes, textbook, contoh soal. Detik-detik terakhir gue pake buat ngapalin jawaban contoh soal.

Ya, ngapalin jawaban contoh soal. Menyedihkan, emang. Seakan-akan otak gue udah terlalu karatan untuk diajak berpikir pas ujian atau tes atau apapun namanya itu. Ini strategi terakhir gue. Term lalu gue belajar kaya kesetanan menjelang final exam dan terlalu gugup pas ujian sampe-sampe gue ngga bisa mikir dan karena gue ga biasa ngapalin, jadilah itu answer book kosong melompong. Okelah. Kali ini gue apal mati setelah gue berusaha ngerti.

Kadang-kadang gue masih ngga percaya kalo gue musti berjuang segininya cuma buat lulus. Ngga terpikir sama sekali buat sampe distinction karena gue bener-bener ngeri gue ngga bakal pernah lulus dan pulang bawa gelar. Apalagi setelah nilai term lalu diumumin, doh.

Dan ternyata, perjuangan terbesar gue bukanlah berusaha untuk lulus itu tadi tapi berusaha menenangkan diri gue dari ketakutan itu dan berusaha meyakinkan diri gue kalo gue berusaha cukup keras, amat keras, amat sangat keras, gue pasti bisa. Sulit, ternyata, buat mencoba, terus gagal, terus nyoba lagi, gagal lagi, tapi terus nyoba lagi walopun gagal dan gagal lagi buat ngerti. Sulit, ternyata, buat berusaha ngerti dan ngga ngerti-ngerti juga lalu setelah berjuang mematikan pride yang berlebihan akhirnya memberanikan diri nanya temen dan terus temen itu natap gue dengan pandangan yang seakan-akan bilang: duile, geblek bener sih lo, kaya beginian aja kaga ngarti, nah trus gue musti terangin dari maneeee? Sulit, ternyata, setelah dibuat merasa kecil seperti itu untuk tetap semangat berusaha lagi, dan bertanya lagi ketika gue membentur tembok lagi (dan bentur temboknya asli sering banget). Sulit, ternyata, untuk tidak merasa tertekan ketika udah ngabisin berjam-jam duduk dan berusaha mengerti dan mengingat tapi tetap ngga sampe ke mana-mana.

Sulit, ternyata, menerima bahwa gue ngga sepinter yang gue kira, atau gue harapkan, atau yang orang-orang kira, atau yang orang-orang harapkan.

Ah, doain gue buat class test gue tar siang ya. Cuma 10% dari nilai akhir padahal, tapi gue ngga mau ambil resiko sampe ngga lulus (lagi). Sekarang gue mau balik ngapalin *doh*.

Tangan Tuhan

Sekali waktu, aku meraung dan menjerit. Aku putus asa dan ingin menyerah. Aku mengharapkan pertolongan dari sahabat terbaikku dan dia memalingkan wajahnya dan menjauh. Aku memandang sekitar dan begitu yakin tak ada yang peduli. Lalu aku menatap ke atas, ke dalam hatiku, ke tempat Allahku bersemayam. Dan aku kembali menjerit, meraung, menangis. Tiba-tiba sebuah tangan terulur. Tangan seorang teman yang tak pernah aku lihat. Tangan seorang yang lebih nampak seperti orang asing, seseorang yang nyaris tak pernah kuajak bicara. Tangan itu menuntunku, memberiku harapan, memberiku semangat, dan menolongku dengan nyata, bukan sekadar kata-kata.

Aku belajar, tangan Tuhan tidak pernah terlalu pendek untuk menolongku. Aku belajar, banyak orang yang dapat dipakai-Nya agar aku tak sampai tergeletak ketika jatuh. Aku belajar, untuk bermurah hati pada orang yang sedang terjatuh. Aku belajar, menyambut tangan persahabatan itu dengan kasih yang tulus. Aku belajar, mengulurkan tangan persahabatan pada orang asing, mungkin suatu kali aku bertemu orang yang sedang meraung dan menjerit dan ingin menyerah.

Terima kasih, Tuhan. Berkati kebaikan hati dari tangan-tangan yang menolongku, menghiburku, menangis bersamaku. Ajari aku mengampuni orang-orang yang kuharapkan menolongku tapi tak melakukannya. Mungkin mereka juga sedang membutuhkan tangan untuk menolong mereka berdiri, berlari, di sudut lain hidup yang aku tak mengerti.

Make me, Lord, a blessing to someone everyday.

My Simple Prayer

Bapa yang baik,
Aku mau belajar. Tolong berkati kerja kerasku. Berikan hikmat agar aku bisa mengerti dengan benar. Berikan ingatan yang tajam, ketenangan ketika aku merasa semuanya begitu sulit, kekuatan ketika aku harus menghabiskan waktu berjam-jam duduk di sini, ketabahan ketika aku harus bekerja lebih keras dari teman-temanku, kerendahan hati untuk meminta bantuan ketika aku tak bisa mengerjakannya sendiri, kemurahan hati untuk membantu teman-temanku yang dalam kesulitan. Mampukan aku untuk bersyukur atas hasilnya kelak. Aku tau, aku percaya, Engkau punya otoritas mutlak atas hidupku. Bagi-Mu segala hormat, kemuliaan, dan kuasa dari selamanya sampai selamanya. Amin.

?

keep asking myself: can I do this? will I ever get to the finish? will I just fail at the end? I am doing everything I can, but it's never enough, never good enough...

 

keep asking myself: how can I keep doing things like this? six months to go, can I do this all the time?

 

keep asking myself: why in the world there must be a broken heart amidst all these pains? why why why... lots on why's, unanswered why's...

"Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart."
--Nicholas Sparks (Three Weeks with My Brother)--

The Treasure and The Sinking Boat

Life is about chasing your own treasure.
Oh good, I wish I was your treasure.

Hadeuhhhhh. Otak berhenti bekerja nih. MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY, this is NDANGSE NDANGSE NDANGSE. MAYDAY, NDANGSE. Position 52.37 Lat, -1.54 Long. My study is on fire and sinking. I require immediate assistance. One people on board, is taking a lifeboat. MAYDAY NDANGSE, OVER.

All wishes should be put behind from now on. At least, for a while. Extremely disturbing, really.

Hadeuh, hadeuhhh... Gimana ini gimana ini gimana ini...

Penghiburan

Kadang-kadang yah, penghiburan datangnya hanya dari senyum manis dan sapa ramah seorang teman. Sore ini gue keluar ruangan kuliah dengan hati mendung. Saking mendungnya, kepala gue sampe sakit. Jalan kaki ke luar gedung bareng seorang teman, lalu melangkah ke flat gue dengan langkah gontai segontai-gontainya. Setengah jalan, seorang teman yang ngga akrab-akrab banget lari-lari kecil di belakang gue, ngejer gue. Tiba-tiba udah ada di samping gue dan nanya, "Apa kabar?" seperti kebiasaan orang-orang di sini yang kalo ketemu orang pasti nyapanya bukan "Hai" atau "Halo" tapi "Apa kabar?". Kita ngobrol-ngobrol bentar tentang betapa susahnya idup sebagai pelajar dengan segunung kerjaan. Entah gimana, abis dadah-dadahan ama tuh temen, kepala gue lebih enteng.

Kadang-kadang yah, penghiburan datangnya hanya dari rasa dipandang ada sama orang di sekitar. Malam ini, gue lagi berkutat dengan laporan tugas gue ketika seorang teman sekelas menelepon dan mengajak ikut serta makan malam bersama besok, bareng beberapa teman lain yang term lalu bersama-sama nyaris ngga tidur berhari-hari ngerjain satu tugas besar. Terharu gitu, ngga nyangka kalau mereka bakal inget gue. Yahhhh gue kan ngga istimewa, paling-paling, gue pikir, mereka kalo ada acara juga ngga bakal inget gue. Gue kan ngga kocak, ngga pinter, ngga cakep-cakep amat, ngga populer.... Mulai deh sindrom inferior gue, huhuhu.

Kadang-kadang yah, di tengah kesepian ini, gue begitu senengnya kalo dianggep ada, dianggep temen, dibutuhin, dipeduliin, dibantuin sama orang-orang asing di sekitar gue. Tuhan emang selalu paling tahu gimana caranya membangunkan semangat berjuang gue. Ya iyalah, namanya juga Tuhan, yah. Seneng banget besok mau makan-makan ama temen sekelas. Hahahaha. Semoga besok benar-benar menyenangkan. Dan semoga mood gue yang terang benderang ini bertahan lama dan ngga terpengaruh sama mendung tebal di luar sana. Terima kasih, Bapa... Engkau memang Bapa gue yang baik dahhhhh.

Another Soundtrack?

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can,
but I don't know how long I'll last

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold on to me

I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am
because You're all I have

Bukan Pecundang

Mata masih lengket karena kebanyakan nangis. Suara masih ga keruan karena kebanyakan sesenggukan. Kepala pening karena nangis itu tadi juga. Dan sobat gue yang amat sangat sensible bilang kalo gue punya pilihan untuk kerja kaya kesetanan atau menyerah total. Amat sangat tergoda buat menyerah. Gue cape, bosen, tertekan, kesepian, kelaparan, dan selalu sedih karena merasa amat sangat bodoh. Sungguh tergoda buat pack my bag malam ini juga dan pulang kampung. Menyerah sepertinya lebih mudah ketika harapan untuk berhasil kalo gue bertahan pun sepertinya minim sekali. Tapi, oh my, I'm no quitter. Malu. Sama orang kantor? Sama temen-temen? Sama sodara-sodara? Bukan! Gue malu sama diri gue sendiri. Gue malu sama mendiang Bapak yang gigih teguh berlapis baja dalam segala hal. Gue malu sama adek-adek gue yang senantiasa kasih semangat dan dengan bangganya cerita tentang gue, kakak mereka yang ngga baek-baek amat ini, sama temen-temen mereka. Gue malu sama Mama yang begitu bangga sama putrinya yang kacrut ini. Gue malu sama Tuhan gue, yang udah janji kalo Dia ngga bakal tinggalin gue, yang udah janji (dan selalu nepatin janji itu) buat selalu nolongin gue.

Ternyata, butuh keberanian buat menyerah. Dan gue ngga punya keberanian itu. Gue ngga punya keberanian buat mengenang Bapak dan mengaku kalo gue dan Bapak punya darah yang sama. Gue ngga punya keberanian menatap mata adek-adek gue dan menyemangati mereka menghadapi hidup. Gue ngga punya keberanian berhadapan sama Mama. Gue ngga punya keberanian bahkan buat menatap mata gue sendiri di cermin. Ngga bisa. It's something I cannot afford.

Jadi, dengan mata lengket dan kepala pening ini, gue nyatakan bahwa hidup boleh menghancurkan gue, tapi gue bukan pecundang. Gue mungkin kalah, gue mungkin gagal, gue mungkin bakal dipermalukan, gue mungkin akan patah hati lebih dalam daripada hari ini, tapi gue bukan pecundang. Gue memang bukan orang pintar, bukan orang hebat, bukan siapa-siapa, tapi gue bukan pecundang. Tidak akan pernah jadi pecundang. Come what may, I will not, and I repeat, will not, give up.

Gue tau, gue percaya, gue imani, Tuhan beserta gue dalam setiap langkah gue. Gue ngga istimewa, tapi gue punya Tuhan yang amat sangat kaya dan amat sangat baik dan amat sangat sayang sama gue. Gue percaya setelah badai ini bakal ada pelangi. Come what may, I will not give up.

Tears

Why did God create tears? I wonder. I wonder. I still can't stop crying after two hours. Those tears I have been trying to keep for weeks now is just flowing endlessly.

Why did God create tears? I wonder. I wonder. My eyes are swollen and I am so tired but I still can't stop crying. Those tears I have been denying for weeks now is just flowing endlessly.

Why did God create tears? I wonder. I wonder. Sadness, rejection, loneliness, anger, disappointment, regret, longing, love, fear, and then emptiness... They all lead to tears overflowing down my cheeks.

Why did God create tears? I wonder. I wonder. Did He also create something to stop tears coming down my face? At least He should have given me someone to cry with.

Facebook + Chat

Lagi berusaha melepaskan diri dari jerat candu Facebook. Hahaha. Sulittttttt. Tiap menit kepikiran buat ganti status, jadi ngga konsen ngerjain kerjaan gue. Jadi, yah, mungkin akan banyak one-liner post abis ini, buat gantiin status-status di Facebook yang kepikiran ama gue. Semoga gue males sih nulis post yang cuma satu baris. Gue juga pengen belajar mengendalikan diri gue dari jejeritan yang ngga berguna itu, ngga berguna buat gue dan ngga jadi berkat dan ngga membangun juga gitu buat orang laen.

Lagi berusaha melepaskan diri dari kebutuhan nge-chat sama orang laen juga. Sama aja sulitnya. Secara gitu yah, gue tuh tiap event aja mau diceritain ama orang laen. Heu. Abis ini, mungkin akan banyak post yang cerita tentang kejadian-kejadian ngga penting di sekitar gue yang gue oh oh oh begitu pengen ceritanya sama orang laen. Seringan tuh yah, chat-chat itu ujung-ujungnya jadi gosip: ngomongin yang jelek-jelek tentang orang laen, ngomongin yang bikin susah, ngomongin yang bikin hidup ribet. Kebanyakan sih ngga ngada-ngada, alias emang ngomongin fakta. Tapi sekali lagi, kalo itu ngga menjadi berkat buat siapa pun, kalo itu ngga membangun siapa pun, ngapain pula coba pake diomongin?

Semoga yah, semoga, sekupluk-kupluknya gue, semorat-maritnya idup gue, sekacrut-kacrutnya posting gue di blog ini, bisa jadi berkat buat seseorang, bisa membangun seseorang. Semoga bisa keliatan gitu, gimana gue jatuh bangun (aih, ini mah keliatan pisan: jatuh-jatuh, kadang-kadang bangun, tapi seringan jatuh-jatuh-dan-jatuh-lagi) tapi ngga pernah, ngga bisa, ngga bakal, dan ngga mau lepas dari jerat kasih karunia. Jadi yah, mungkin ini kaya Mini Bible-nya idup gue. Alkitab yang terbuka versi idup gue, di mana gue jatuh, hancur, terluka, bangkit, bersyukur, berdoa, berjuang, mengeluh, berharap, dan semoga (dalam nama Yesus) suatu hari kelak sampai ke garis akhir dan bisa bilang kaya Rasul Paulus bilang, gue udah mengakhiri pertandingan (idup) yang baik, gue udah mencapai garis akhir, dan gue udah memelihara iman.

Mess

It's all in a mess

My desk is in a mess
My bedroom is in a mess
My study is in a mess
My relationships are such a mess

My life is in a mess

How can I fix it?
Should I ever try to fix it?
Does it worth trying to fix it?
If ever possible, where in the world can I start fixing it?

Mission impossible

I get on my knee

This whole mess of me belongs to You, My Lord
If I worth fixing, then do it, please
Or nobody will

Broken Hearts (According to the Bible)

Now, before start working on my (unseemingly) project, I will write more quotes about broken hearts. This time all will be sourced from the ultimate source of comfort, the Word of God: the Bible. While reading, do enjoy the song Praise You in This Storm form Casting Crown below.

    

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saved the crushed in the spirit.
-- Psalm 34:18

My flesh and my heart will fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
-- Psalm 73:26

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither there shall be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
-- Revelation 21:4

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
-- Psalm 147:3

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
-- I Corinthians 13:7

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
-- John 14:27

Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved.
-- Psalm 55:22

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.
-- Romans 8:28

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.
-- Phillipians 3:13

Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.
-- Isaiah 43:18

Blessed are they that mourn; for they shall be comforted.
-- Matthew 5:4

Broken Hearts

A collection of quotes about broken hearts, with a video clip of What Can I Do from The Corrs to make it perfect. Just another pointless post, to give another proof that my brain has completely stopped functioning amidst this overwhelming study (and no study) loads. Play the clip to make it even more dramatic while you are reading the quotes :D.

A broken heart isn't so much the loss of a person as it is the loss of your dreams with that person.
-- Diane Les Becquets (Love, Cajun Style)

Behind every girl's face is a broken heart that a stupid boy broke.
-- Saraya Dodd

A broken heart is like a broken mirror. It's best to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it.
-- Unknown

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart
-- Raymond E. Feist

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
-- John Mayer

This... living with a broken heart is living half dead, and that doesn't mean you're half alive. It means you're half dead. And... that's no way to live.
-- Charles Martin (The Mountain Between Us)

A broken world promises a broken heart; we choose whether it's the result of selfishness or sacrifice.
-- Mike Coe (Flight to Paradise)

A broken heart bleeds tears.
-- Steve Maraboli ( Life, the Truth, and Being Free)

I'm just trying to outrun a broken heart, which is nothing to sneeze at , for a broken heart breaks a person.
-- Sarah Hina ( Plum Blossoms in Paris)

Broken hearts and dirty windows
Make life difficult to see
That's why last night and this morning
Always look the same to me
-- John Prine (John Prine)

The six element of her Fail Proof Broken-Heart Curing Treatment: Vitamin E, get much sleep, drink much water, travel to a place far away from the person you loved, meditate and teach your heart that this is destiny.
-- Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

There are those hearts, reader, that never mend again once they are broken. Or if they do mend, they heal themselves in a crooked and lopsided way, as if sewn together by a careless craftsman. Such was the fate of Chiaroscuro. His heart was broken. Picking up the spoon and placing it on his head, speaking of revenge, these things helped him to put his heart together again. But it was, alas, put together wrong.
-- Kate DiCamillo (The Tale of Desperaux)

You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly--that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.
-- Anne Lamott

Home is where the heart is, I thought now, gathering myself together in Betty's Luncheonette. I had no heart any more, it had been broken; or not broken, it simply wasn't there any more. It had been scooped neatly out of me like the yolk from a hard-boiled egg, leaving the rest of me bloodless and congealed and hollow. I'm heartless, I thought. Therefore I'm homeless.
-- Margaret Atwood (The Blind Assassin)

If someone has just hurt you or broken your heart, if someone has just died, all the grace you need is there-waiting for you to receive it. As long as we are pulled inward-despair and self attention, we aren't free to reach for God's grace. If we mean to leave ourselves alone, we must keep a hand free.
-- Eugenia Price

Pride

There are times,
when you swallow your pride and ask for help and help just can't be found,
when you swallow your pride and tell your feelings and it still means nothing,
when you swallow your pride and admit how much you need someone and that very one just take it for granted,

There are times,
when you just can't do anything
but swallow your pride more

waiting

i'm waiting
i'm just waiting
for things to come to me

i'm tired of running
i'm tired of chasing
i'm tired of wishing
i'm tired of remembering
i'm tired of missing things
i'm tired of missing people
i'm tired of yelling
i'm tired of crying

i'm tired of loving

but i'm still waiting
for things to come to me

someday
i may be tired of waiting

just another quote

"Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee."
--J.R. Ward (Dark Lover)

I want to be the way I was made!

I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around
I want to sing like nobody's listening
Before I lay my body down

I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I'm not afraid
I want to be the (wo)man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
And all I've forgotten help me to find
Of all that You've promised, let it be in my life

--The Way I Was Made, Chris Tomlin--

now

now,

i stop complaining

i stop moaning

i stop crying

 

now,

i just need a hug

a big bear hearty hug

maju terus pantang memble

i'm burning my brain,

breaking my bones,

holding back my tears,

refusing to give up!

 

i don't believe in hard work,

neither do i believe in luck,

and much more, i don't believe in giving up!

 

because i do believe

in the God who bless,

in the God who loves to bless,

in the God who wants me to work harder than any other,

and bless me not because of my hard work,

but because of grace, and grace alone,

so i have no reasons to give up!

 

life may blow me a thousand times,

but my God will rise me up a thousand and one times

that i can never give up!

Aku Hari Ini

Aku yang dulu,
akan berlutut segera setelah terbangun di pagi hari;
mengucap syukur untuk hari yang baru,
mohon pimpinan untuk sepanjang hari.

Aku yang dulu,
akan menundukkan kepala setiap masuk kelas,
bersyukur atas satu kesempatan lagi untuk belajar,
mohon hikmat untuk setiap pengajaran,
agar aku mengerti,
agar berguna untuk hidupku dan hidup orang lain.

Aku yang dulu,
akan hening sejenak sebelum membuka kembali bukuku,
mohon kasih karunia atas kerja kerasku,
sepenuhnya percaya bahwa Tuhan memberkati yang dikasihi-Nya pada waktu tidur,
dan bahwa kerja keras tidak menambahkan apapun pada hidup manusia
namun Tuhan mau aku bekerja tekun, seperti semut yang tak pernah melamun

Aku yang dulu,
akan menutup mata sejenak sebelum memulai ujian-ujianku,
menyerahkan diri sepenuhnya kepada yang empunya langit dan bumi,
percaya bahwa Dia peduli pada hal sepele seperti ujianku,
dan percaya bahwa Dia memberkatiku dengan hasil yang sepadan, bahkan lebih

Aku yang dulu,
akan menutup hari dengan berlutut,
bersyukur atas satu hari yang diwarnai dengan kisah kasih-Nya padaku,
atas warna warni dalam satu hari
dan menyerahkan hidupku dan lelapku
menyerahkan orang-orang terkasih dalam hidupku pada tangan pengasihan-Nya
dan menutup doaku dengan:
"bila aku tidak pernah terbangun lagi dari tidurku, aku percaya aku akan bersama Yesusku"

Aku hari ini,
hanya beberapa belas tahun dari aku yang dulu
namun seperti menjadi pribadi yang lain, amat sangat lain.

Aku hari ini,
berharap bisa kembali menjadi aku yang dulu.
Bahkan lebih.

an important announcement

this is to formally announce that the donkey is no longer residing at cc2/158.

we have currently removed the donkey to the learning grid.

there may be some possibilities that the donkey be seen at the library, the Math Institute, or the Business School.

however, most of the time, we will do our best to make sure that the donkey stay at the learning grid to learn the lessons that a donkey should learn.

we are quite sure that there will be no inconvenience caused by this removal of the donkey.

in special circumstances that there is, please let us know as soon as possible as we know very well that the donkey hates the learning grid and prefers a cafe somewhere at the city centre.

itung-itungan

ini itung-itungan waktu idup gue dalam satu hari, alias 24 jam:

tidur: 8 jam
warming up pas bangun tidur: 0.5 jam
cooling down seblon tidur: 0.5 jam
makan: 3 X 1 jam = 3 jam
masak dan cuci piring: 1 jam
mandi dan temen2nya: 1 jam
rapih2 seblon ngampus: 0.5 jam
jalan bolak balik ke tempat kuliah: 0.5 jam

total : 15 jam
sisa: 9 jam

kalo gue bagi2 per hari, jadi sisanya gini nih:
Senin: kuliah 2 jam, sisa 7 jam
Selasa: kuliah 4 jam, sisa 5 jam
Rabu: kuliah 5 jam, sisa 4 jam
Kamis: kuliah 3 jam, sisa 6 jam
Jumat: kuliah 1 jam, sisa 8 jam

trus, kalo tiap hari gue kurangin satu jam buat ngoceh ama temen2 sekelas, ato mampir ke library cari buku, ato mampir ke IT room ngeprint materi kuliah, ato ngantri beli flat white di costa, ato bolak-balik ke laundry, ato ngecek pos di mailbox, ato ke postroom ngambil paket, maka sisa waktu gue per hari adalah:
Senin: sisa 5 jam
Selasa:  sisa 4 jam
Rabu: sisa 3 jam
Kamis: sisa 5 jam
Jumat: sisa 7 jam

mari kita sebut sisa waktu di atas sebagai alternatif 1.

trus kalo misalnya, misalnya nih, gue perlu waktu buat minum kopi sambil bengong liatin bebek terbang dari kamar gue, buat maen-maen sejenak ama puzzle gue, buat internetan, buat chatting ama temen2 di indo, buat nulis2 di blog ini, buat maen2 ke tesco (maen2, bukan belanja beneran), buat baca2 buku yang bukan buku pelajaran bentarrrrrr aja, katakanlah sejam sehari, maka sisa waktu gue adalah:
Senin: sisa 4 jam
Selasa:  sisa 3 jam
Rabu: sisa 2 jam
Kamis: sisa 4 jam
Jumat: sisa 6 jam

sebut ini sebagai alternatif 2.

bad bad bad.

mana cukup ntu sisa waktu buat ngulang kuliah hari ini, buat ngerjain soal seminar, buat nyicil ngerjain project, buat baca textbook biar gue ngga katro bergantung ama lecture notes doang? artinya gue week end ngga bisa kabur2 dong? atau gue ngga boleh senang2 barang sejam sehari.

bad bad bad.

overall, this is a bad bad bad life. let's see what I will become 8 months after today. ganti kaca mata kali gue, pake pantat botol, hehehehe...

a conversation

"what in the world I'm doing here?" I asked.

"you asked for it, you prayed for it, remember?" God answered.

"I didn't know I would hate it so much.." I snapped at Him. "You're the one who shouldn't give me anything I asked for if it's not good for me, aren't You? YOUR Bible told me so!"

"but I did give you, didn't I?" God replied. "and you know very well what it means if I give something to you..."

"it's supposed to be good for me. it's supposed to make me someone better. it's supposed to make me love You better. it's supposed to make me more like Your Son." I cried. "but I'm going nowhere better. I'M TORN APART! and I believe YOU are the one who should fix me up before I'm broken to pieces and give it up all!"

"stop complaining, you stupid beloved child of Mine," He snapped at me. "I've been carrying you all this time. you're weak, but you've never been stronger with me. my power is yours! how many times should I tell you this? how many times should I show you this? I'm not letting you break into pieces. but if I do, that only means I want you to lean on Me, to count on Me.. on Me and Me ALONE. have I ever let you down? have I ever failed you? you survived the darkest storm in your life. THAT should teach you something."

I stared angrily at Him. "don't go over it again and again. that's history. I'm living in the presence. and I have this future so dark ahead of me. I CAN'T BEAR IT AND SINCE YOU ARE GOD, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!"

"I AM GOD, INDEED. I reign over time and space. I keep my promises. I never promised that everything will be easy. no way. I promise you strength to go through it, wisdom to find your way, love to keep you warm... just do everything you can do. remember your limits. leave the rest to me. I will take care of it. I will take care of you, like I always do. I never failed taking care of you, did I? I love you just too much, just too much..."

"oh God, my dear God, I just don't know how to go on," I whispered back.

"you don't need to. take one step at a time. the world can wait. do everything in faith. you may not be able to do it, but I can do it. cry if you must. I created tears to help you too, you know. but after you dry your tears, start again. just don't give up. I'm here with you. I'm here working it out with you. I'm here loving you tremendously. and don't you ever ever ever forget, I have all the power to do anything I want. I created everything from nothing. if I want you to be something, I can make it from scratch, that scratch you that you have always been complaining about. but if I want you to be just an ordinary woman--like you always call yourself, believe Me, you are still very very special. I created nothing ordinary. now, go back to your life. My blessings be with you. My love be with you. My power be with you." He smiled at me.

I could barely smile back at Him. "Okay. I hope next time it will be a more joyous talk."

He laughed. "It's always a joy for Me to talk to My children. just be yourself, whatever its state may be, and I will always be glad to talk to you."

I looked at Him, didn't know what else to say, and just said, "amen."

What love really means

And now that you’ll listen I’ll tell you that I...
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love, the love that you never knew...

it's not the end of the world

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed

This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world

Another Quote

"I let Richard walk out on me. I think he'd have gone anyway, but I just sat on the floor and watched him go. I didn't stand in his way. I figured it was his choice, and you cant hold someone if they don't want to be held. If someone really wants to be free of you, you have to let them go. Well, fuck that, fuck that all to hell. Don't go, Asher, please, don't go. I love the way your hair shines in the light. I love that way you smile when you're not trying to hide or impress anyone. I love your laughter. I love the way your voice can hold sorrow like the taste of rain. I love the way you watch Jean-Claude when he moves through a room, when you don't think anyone's watching, because its exactly the way I watch him. I love your eyes. I love your pain. I love you."
— Laurell K. Hamilton (Cerulean Sins)

I Quit Missing You

I know you won't miss me.
You'll be just fine.
I'm the one who will have trouble
keeping you off my mind.
----someone's blog----

It's kind of stupid, to keep on missing someone who just won't miss you.
It's kind of pointless, to keep on missing someone who plainly said you are not needed in this mortal life.
It's kind of painful, to keep on missing someone who will never even notice if you are not around.
It's kind of annoying, to keep on missing someone who never bothered to value your presence.

I'm about to write a comment like that in that blog I quoted but then hesitated to do so.
The blog's writer just have to find out herself/himself.

God hath not promised

God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

God hath not promised we shall not know
Toil and temptation, trouble and woe;
He hath not told us we shall not bear
Many a burden, many a care.

God hath not promised smooth roads and wide,
Swift, easy travel, needing no guide;
Never a mountain, rocky and steep,
Never a river, turbid and deep.

But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
  Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

-Annie Johnson Flint, 1919-

indescribable

don't go away
not now
not anytime while I'm here
not anytime while I'm near

just don't
don't
don't
don't
don't
don't
ever
go
away

ask me the same
and
I
will never
go
away

A Wish, A Prayer

There are a rare few occasions that I wish I were someone else. This is one of them. I wish I were someone smarter and someone stronger to work harder, much harder. No, I'm not jealous of him being so damn smart (oh yes, at times I have been ALMOST jealous, but since he's so kind, I left it at "almost" state). No, I'm not jealous either of those people who can sit for hours and study hard. I know I have my limits. Too many limits. I'm not complaining about that, I know God loves me still the same. I just wish, oh for this one time in life, I can be smarter and stronger to work longer.

But I'm not. I believe in miracles but I don't think God would make miracles on my final exam. So let this be my prayer. Let me still be grateful for whatever I am, let me still be grateful for whatever my exam results, let me be still grateful that through all this hard work I have never been alone, let me stand strong if disappointments come along. And all in all, let my life always glorify your name, let my life be a blessing to others... It all comes from you, it all belongs to you, and it all will come back to you. I love you, God, more than everything. In Jesus name I believe you are listening and you have answered me. Amen.

How Could I?

Why did I forget? How could I?

You used to be my baby brother, remember? The one I always want to protect from the world. Our mother used to tell how sad and angry I would be if anyone dared teasing you, my beloved little brother. I would stand against the world and hugged you lovingly. I have always wanted to share everything with you, you were the centre of my world, our baby world.

You used to be my guardian angel, remember? The one who always took me everywhere since I never had any friends with me. You took me to play kites with you, play the marbles with all your friends. You taught me how to ride a two-wheeled bike when I only knew how to ride a four-wheeled one. You would cry harder when I hurt myself, falling from that bike because you have always thought that it was your duty to take care of me, your little big sister.

You used to be my best friend, remember? We could talk for hours and never run out of stuffs to talk about. I used to adapt your views, you took mine, without questions. I have always been proud of you, my handsome and kind-hearted brother. The world might prefer you to me, given that you are a world much nicer and easier to get along with, given that you were (and still are) so likeable but it would only made me even more proud to be your old little sister.

You used to be my biggest enemy, remember? We have fought over everything, yelled at each other, saying horrible things, hurting each other like no one else could do. You have hurt me the way no one else in the world could do. I know I have hurt you in the most unbelieveable ways too, and I hope your heart has mended somehow.

But we used to be the best team ever, remember? We took care of our parents when we grew up. We helped our parents over problems on our younger brother and sister. We, just the two of us, held our tears and worked out all the necessities for our beloved father funeral. You hugged me tightly when I was sobbing uncontrollably, I comforted you in my arms through your overflowing tears, but then we strengthen each other like no one could do.

And now, oh now, do you know that you are still my baby brother, my guardian angel, one of my best friends, and my best team mate? So why, I wonder, why in the world I forgot such an important thing in your life? How could I have missed that precious moment?

Look at you, beloved brother, now a father of a very beautiful baby girl. Be the best. Make her be proud of you, make her look up to you, make her love you so, just like I always do to our father. So happy for you. Have an awesome family in the love of our God!

A Quote

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

-Neil Gaiman-

*ohhhh, just get back to workkkkkkkkkk*

Waiting for You to Say Hi First

I just found that there are some facebook group on this. Can anybody believe that? Facebook groups, yeah, of people waiting for someone else to say hi first. Here what I found:

1. waiting for you to say "Hi" on msn first so i dont think im bothering you
2.I dont say hi to you cause im waiting for you to say hi first :D
3. when your online, i stare at your name waiting for you to say hi first
4. i didnt say hi to youu b/c i was waiting for you to come say hi to me first

Well, one of them is a page, the others are groups.

And well, this is a totally random and pointless post.

And yeah, since you won't say hi to me first and I really need your help, I would just say hi first. Rule of the world. Period.

could could could this be love :|

again, new year; again, exams

every past needs a pardon, every present needs a purpose, every future needs a hope. each new year is like any redemption, comes not by our making but by his grace. the dream that too impossible to dare, start it; that mountain too big to climb, move it; that shame you're afraid will be known, confess it; old things have passed away, behold, all things have become new! *that exams you are so scared about, face it:D*

New Year Resolutions

Huh? So do I need one, eh?

I quit making one years ago when I realized that I never stick to them for more than a couple of days. I didn't even think of them when I was staring with envy at the glimpse of fireworks around the uni through my flat window. It came to my mind when someone at the church talked about it today.

Think of something, big or small, just something. It can be something about the world, the country, the people, the war. It can be something smaller, related to someone or something in particular. Just think of something that you would like to be different: to happen or not to happen again. Think how you can make a difference on making it happen or not happen again. Think how God could have make a difference in that situation. Think how our prayers and acts could have make a difference.

And I could think of nothing. Nothing at all. Oh, how miserable I am. Yes, that what I will call misery. The state where I cannot think of others, cannot care more for others, cannot pray for others, cannot love others. The state when I believe that life, that the world, is all about me, about my life, my work, my future, my friends, my happiness, my other super important things. What a shame, coming from me who will never hesitate and has never hesitated to confess how lucky I am to be loved the way I am loved, how lucky I am to be blessed, to be saved, to be what I am.

So that will be my new year resolution. I will learn to love others. I will learn to love unconditionally. I know it will be a lifetime learning. But I am learning from the best, the One who has loved me and will always love unconditionally. And at least now I will start learning. I will pick one name everyday and pray for that person. I will pick one name everyday and think of something that will make that person better off. I will pick one name everyday and think how the love of God will  make that person better off. I will pick one name everyday and think of how I can make a difference. And perhaps, someday, I will pick one name and start doing something for that person.

Someone in the past has picked my name and prayed for me. Someone in the past has thought of me and thought how my life can be better off. Someone in the past has done something good to me. Someone in the past has shown me that I was worthy of unconditional love. Let me be that "someone" to someone else everyday. Amen.

New Year

So what? Just another day? Just some silly people raving about where to spend the night before that day? Just some noises made by the fireworks and paper trumpets?

Not for me. Not for my family. At least, it used to be something special for the six of us: Bapak, Mama, me, and my three siblings. I really feel like an old lady for missing those good old days. The days when we did our ritual faithfully on every new year's eve.

We would go to the church for a new year's eve service. Yes, we have a new year's eve service at the church. The church. The church is the church my father used to attend before he met my mother. The church is the church where my father married my mother. The church is the church where I and all my siblings were baptized as infants, where my father was ordained as an elder, where I and my siblings has affirmed our faith and received our first communion, where the funeral service on behalf of my father was held. That church. The church.

We would go home and prepare for our family worship, around midnight. My father would lead the worship, all those old songs, almost all in Batakese, a language my parents used to speak to each other. We would read the Bible, give thanks for the past year and pray for the coming year. We would then have our says, that "mandok hata" tradition. Well, I used to hate it when I was very young. This was how it worked. Starting from the youngest, one would go to the next older person, hold his/her hand, apologize for all the wrongs done during the last year --sometimes vaguely, but we loved to make it very specific, many times extremely specific since the six of us tend to remember so many things very well-- and thank him/her for all nice things. And go on to the next older one. It could last for hours, depending on how melancholic you could be. It could also last only for a couple of minutes, when some other families joined in the ritual.

Then we would have our feast. Eat, eat, eat, until we fell asleep.

Does not sound very special? Yeah, when I read it again, it does not sound that special. But I keep it dear to my heart, and it makes them extremely special. Ah, the good old days.

I am looking forward to some good new days.

Happy new year.

And if any of you reading this would like to do me a favour, pray for me and my coming exams, will you? I can feel my body shivers and my heart beats faster everytime I remember them. Anyways, I am planning to make this year a happy one indeed, no matter what is coming my way.

*cv4 7es, 01-01-11*
 

A Paradox

+ are you busy?

- no (closing the door behind him)
- why?
+ I'm kind of bored in my room and decided to come down to see if you are doing something interesting
- well (walking to the hallway, away from his door)
- I'm doing the past papers
+ oh
- me and X and Y is going to discuss the past paper
+ now? (and I wasn't invited before?)
- in a couple of hours
+ but it's new year's eve (and I come here because I miss my family so much and thought you are sort of family here)
- so? does it mean you don't need to work? to eat?
+ (puzzled)
+ ok, I will find something else more interesting to do (and hopefully someone else who is more interested in being my company)
- ok, bye (not even bothered to look at my face)
+ bye (walk away, would not bothered to look behind)

does not sound like best friends. might have never been best friends. may never be best friends.

and he's the best thing I got here.

what a perfect new year's eve.

a friend

Personally, when I'm picking up friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.

Greg Behrendt on He's just not That into You

winter sonata

salju turun perlahan
menambah semarak langit sore itu
pukul lima sore, dengan bulan nyaris penuh di langit sana
dan gelapnya seperti pukul tujuh malam di kotaku

kami berjalan bersebelahan
dia menuntun sepedanya
aku memegangi rantai sepedanya
berdua menggigil, namun salju dan berjalan bersama terasa seperti frase yang klop

kalau kuingat lagi,
seperti episode di winter sonata
hanya saja dia tak mungkin memboncengku
karena sekarang aku semakin gendut

*back to work :P*

This Imbecile Bitch

I really feel like an imbecile bitch for not knowing that Chi Square Distribution has something to do with Normal Distribution. To make it perfect, this imbecile bitch just don't know what exactly the definition of a Mean Square Error is. I have been a moron for a couple of weeks, kept mixing up things and couldn't concentrate with or without passion. I might very well turn out to be an idiot bitch for the rest of this two weeks, dying to enjoy everything I used to love with all my soul.

I am forever grateful that you love me just the same, this imbecile bitch. Full mark or ground zero on those tests, I know you love me just the same. So I won't let you down. As you give me the strength, the wisdom, the willingness, I will work it out with you. And let the glory be all yours.

Silly

So this guy keeps telling me not to be silly. Silly. Silly. Six times. I even counted it. It was the only adjective he ever used to refer to me, and we only knew each other for less than nine weeks, barely spoke to each other on the first two weeks. Silly. So that's what he thinks of me, a silly old girl. I don't like it. I really don't need it. I already feel like a dumb myself and It is the first time someone ever told me not to be silly, over and over again. All I did was just trying to be nice. I never knew nice and silly coincide.

I know he would even make it seven times if he knew I'm writing this.

My mood has changed from bad to worse.

B.R.O.K.E.N

Bone-tired, helplessly bored, hopeless, panic, scared to death, broken-hearted, and confused over everything. I usually try to keep this blog positive, or showing my keen intention to change everything into something positive. But it is hopelessly negative now. I couldn't eat anything, couldn't sleep even for fifteen minutes, unbearably restless, and would burst into tears over anything. Unable to encourage myself, I fall into my knee and look up to you. You promised to never forsake me. So don't. 

Biar Pol Cengengnya Hari Ini...

Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around til' I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved

If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
How I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again, ooh

When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me, yeah yeah
Then finally make me do just what my momma said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance, one final step
One final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
'Cause I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me

I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved?
I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she's dying to dance with my father again

Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream

--dance with my father, songwriter: richard marx & luther vandross--

THANKS (with c.a.p.i.t.a.l letters!)

Dear Lord God,
Thank you for giving me what I need, instead of what I want
Thank you for all difficulties you let me went through, they make me look up to you more
Thank you for this helplessness, it reminds me of the unlimited help that heaven provides for me
Thank you for this loneliness, that I learn to appreciate those who care for me more

Let me be kind, just like they have been so kind to me
Let me be helpful, just like they have been a great help to me
Let me be someone to count on when they are lonely, just like they have always been there for me
Let me try to understand them, just like they (seems) try to understand me
Let me learn to be a good listener, just like they have listened to all my unstoppable rambling

Thank you, Lord, for loving me so much that I may know them in this (unseemly) life.
 
And thank you, Joe and Gio. This one is definitely for both of you. Be blessed!

Sederhana

Duniaku begitu sempit 2 minggu terakhir ini:
cc2/158 (itu kamarku)
Math Institute
WBS (Warwick Business School)
main library
Tesco (supermarket)

Aktivitasku juga begitu sempit:
kuliah
seminar
makan
tidur
ngerjain PR
test
masak
belanja bahan masak
mandi
nyuci baju di launderette
cek surat di post room

Kekhawatiranku juga begitu sempit:
ga bisa ngerjain PR
ga ngerti kuliah
ga lulus ujian

hidup menjadi begitu sederhana.
alangkah senangnya kalau bisa selamanya seperti itu.

tapi seperti bayi yang tidak selamanya hanya bisa menangis,
aku akan keluar dari kesederhanaan ini.
dan mengenang semua kesulitan dan kelelahan ini dengan senyum
dan melangkah sebagai aku yang lebih baik.

Terima kasih, Tuhan.
Aku mengasihi-Mu, sungguh!

Bisa!

bisa!
pasti bisa!
harus bisa!

tutup mata sejenak,
tarik napas dalam-dalam,
dan bilang: bisa, pasti bisa, ngga mungkin ngga bisa...

inget yang Bapak selalu bilang:
kalau Tuhan sudah pimpin sejauh ini
maka Tuhan pasti pimpin sampai selesai
dan kesudahannya pasti sesuatu yang indah dan baik

bisa!
pasti bisa!
bersama Dia pasti bisa!

aku mau cintai kekuranganmu... *jiahhhh*

I Believe It's Better to:

...start giving thanks for little nice things that's happening to me rather than complaining on enormous horrible things that I just can't get rid of

...start being a good friend to somebody rather than sobbing over not having a real friend close by

...start being passionate with the path I have chosen rather than regretting over the ones I have not

...start living one step at a time rather than looking too far forward on those scary-dark-never ending tunnel

...start believing again in a God who never forsake me rather than enraged over some people who just don't know how to be nice

...start working on my Probability and Stochastic Processes problems one at a time rather than worrying how I can get through with only four weeks to go

and finally, start believing again in a God who "gives to His beloved even in his sleep"  but also wants me to "take lessons from the ants"...


--so cheer up a little, gloomy curly, your Lord God loves you so much He's even given His only Son--

If Only There was a Ctrl+Z in Real Life

We have just crossed the street when this old lady wave her hands to us. She talked about birds and bread and how we should share our bread with the birds. Weird. She said she was an Italian and that we should go to Rome and many other things I didn't find relevant to anything. Then she took his hands and my hands and said, "boyfriend," while looking at him and, "girlfriend," looking at me. Then it was the dumbest thing I could ever do, saying, "Noooooo we're friends."

Darn.

I should have said, "I wish so."

--intermezzo--

Semoga Tuhan Berkenan

Aku tak tahu, di mana telah terjadi kesalahan. Aku bahkan tak tahu, apakah memang ada yang salah. Aku hanya mau menguatkan hati, menguatkan tubuh, menguatkan mental. Di mana pun kesalahan itu, bahkan walau memang tak ada yang salah, aku akan tetap melangkah. Aku berjanji tak akan menyalahkan siapa pun, apa pun; aku tak akan menyesali apa pun, tak akan menyesali setiap keputusan, setiap tindakan, setiap langkah, setiap kata. Aku akan memperbaiki kesalahanku, bila ada, dan berjanji akan berusaha sekuat hati dan tenaga untuk tidak mengulangi, namun aku tak akan menyesali apa pun.

Aku akan melangkah dengan kepala tegak. Aku akan berjuang dengan doa, kerja keras, dan air mata. Aku akan merendahkan hati, persis seperti mendiang Bapak tersayang selalu ingatkanku. Aku berjanji akan lakukan yang terbaik yang aku bisa lakukan. Mungkin aku akan gagal, tapi aku tak akan menyerah.

Aku serahkan ketetapanku, pengharapanku, kerja kerasku, keputusasaanku, pada Tuhan yang memiliki kuasa untuk mencipta dari tidak ada menjadi ada. Aku percaya Tuhan bisa menjadikan tidak mungkin menjadi mungkin, ekor menjadi kepala, lemah menjadi kuat, tak memiliki menjadi berkelimpahan. Aku tak akan menyerah; semoga Tuhan berkenan.

Two Years Later

Two years after that rainy day, I still cry a lot. I shed all tears I have always keep for myself -- and for you. Tears of longing, for not being able to talk to you, to listen to you, to hold your hands, to look into your eyes; tears of love, love of a daddy's girl, love of a best friend, love for an idol; tears of regret, for not obeying you more, for not praying with you more, for not praying for you more.

Two years after that tearful day, I still talk of you like you are still around. At times, it just feel like you are still home, waiting for me to come to you, to tell my days to you.

Two years after that painful day, I still do everything for you. I still try to be the best to make you proud of me, proud of having me in your life, even though I always know, everybody knows, how proud you were of me to be just I am.

Two years after that unforgettable day, I still love you. You are still my hero, my inspiration, my best friend. You made me go through it all, survived, and worked my way to be the best I can be: a woman of grace, a woman of mercy, a woman of faith.

I will forever be grateful to be loved the way you loved me. You are the best father any daughters would ever possibly have in the whole universe.

Coventry, two years and 1 hour after we buried his remaining.

Imagine Me without You, Jaci Velasquez

Imagine Me without You, Can You? I Can't...

magine me without you
I'd be lost and so confused
I wouldn't last a day
I'd be afraid without you there to see me through

Imagine me without you
Lord, you know it's just impossible
Because of you
It's all brand new
My life is now worth while
I can't imagine me without you

-Imagine Me without You, Jaci Velasquez-

Probability

Probability zero is of God's decision.
Probability one is God's ultimate right.
For me, as long as it is between zero and one, then I will do whatever
left to be done.
And it is by your power, God Almighty, to make it zero or one.

Belajar Percaya

Aku menatap langit
luas bagai tanpa tepi
kadang biru bersih tanpa noda
kadang putih suram tanpa nada ceria
kadang berseri diseling awan tipis
kadang gelap diberati awan hitam tebal
kadang kelam tanpa bintang
kadang dipijari berjuta kelip mungil
tapi semua ternyata hanya bagian kecil
dari perjalanan alam semesta
dari rencana besar Sang Agung

Aku menatap hidupku
terlihat panjang, entah berujung di mana
kadang bersinar begitu terang
kadang mulus membosankan
kadang berliku tak terpahami
kadang penuh gejolak meresahkan
kadang dihujani air mata
kadang diwarnai kemarahan menggelegak
kadang dipoles bahagia tak ternyana
kadang gelap tanpa harapan
tapi semua ternyata hanya bagian kecil
dari rencana Sang Maha Kasih
dan dari pelajaranku untuk tetap percaya pada-Nya

Pelajaran tanpa akhir
kadang aku lewati dengan baik
lebih sering aku tidak lulus
mengulang lagi kelas yang sama, berulang-ulang
Aku masih belum menyerah
karena Sang Maha Sabar juga belum menyerah
Ajari aku, jangan berhenti mengajariku, untuk percaya

**ku tak akan menyerah pada apapun juga sebelum kucoba semua yang
kubisa, tetapi kuberserah kepada kehendak-Mu, hatiku percaya Tuhan
punya rencana**

my prayer

do you know how it feels
to really want something
to walk all the way just to get to a place
to do everything to reach something
just to find that it feels like it's not something made for you?

do you know how it feels
to really want something
and find that every step you take
just bring you further away?

do you know how it feels
to really want something
and all you can do, at the end, just to get on your knee
as always...?

you are all I got
you are my only hope
so stay with me, please
you know it's gonna be hard for me
it's gonna be tearful for me
so cry with me, will you, dear lord?

A Year after We Buried Him

If I could turn back time, I'd spent more time by his side. I wouldn't go travel around the globe but instead travel more to his place, sit by his side and spend hours and hours talking to him, just like the old days. I wouldn't dream that much but instead enjoy those moments more, the moments I looked into his eyes and walked hand in hand with him.

If I could turn back time, I'd listen to him more. I'd treasure the stories of his youth, the history of the family, the journey of his faith... things he's always loved to talk about.

If I could turn back time, I'd say those magic words more often. I'd tell him of how much he means to me, how much I want to always be his little girl, how much I'm proud of him, how much I love him. I'd tell him that he's the best any daughters can have in the whole universe.

But I can't turn back time. All I can do is to cherish the memory and to love the God he's loved so in his life.

Ah, if only he was here. He'd be thrilled to see his oldest son getting married next week. He'd be proud to find out the kind of woman that man of his own has chosen to be a wife. He'd be smiling all day, knowing that the man who bears his name will pass it on to his future children.

Ah, how I sometimes envy those people, those sons and daughters whose fathers are still around. How much I want to tell them how lucky they are... not that I'm not grateful for those colorful years God blessed me with his presence...

I know I can't turn back time nor can I bring him back. But I still wish he was here.

Aku Menggugat

Aku menggugat Yang Maha Tinggi
untuk mengembalikan mimpi-mimpiku
untuk memulihkan semangat tanpa batasku
untuk membangunkan lagi kepedulianku pada sahabat-sahabatku
untuk membuatku jatuh cinta lagi pada-Nya

Aku menuntut Yang Maha Kasih
untuk menjadikanku puas bahkan dengan yang tak aku miliki
untuk mendinginkan kemarahan yang terlalu sering bergelora
untuk menerbitkan bintang pada malam-malamku yang paling kelam
untuk menari bersamaku walaupun dengan musik yang tak indah di telinga-Nya

Aku memohon pada Yang Maha Besar
untuk membuatku bersinar bagi-Nya
walaupun hanya sebagai bintang yang kecil

-hush, hush, pergilah semua rasa malas...-

My (New) Travel Wish LIst

dari wish list yang gw bikin 2 taon lalu, yang udah berhasil kejalanin adalah:
1. toraja
2. belitung
3. bintan
4. dieng
5. nepal
6. st. petersburg

dan dari wish list yang sama, yang blon bisa gw jalanin adalah:
1. danau matano dan sorowako
2. ujung kulon
3. krakatau
4. cheto
5. mahakam
6. raja ampat
7. paris
8. yerusalem

dari tempat-tempat di wish list tadi yang blon bisa gw jalanin dan ditambah dengan wawasan perjalanan gw yang lumayan bagusan belakangan ini, inilah travel wish list gw yang terbaru:

1. krakatau
2. cheto
3. mahakam
4. flores dan pulo komodo
5. ternate dan tidore
6. kepulauan maluku (semuanya, gw mau semuanya!)
7. raja ampat, lembah baliem, cartensz (ga usah ke puncak, di kakinya aja gw udah puas :D)
8. sampe ke puncak rinjani (aga nyesel juga, kenapa taon lalu cuma sampe pelawangan sembalun... huhuhu)
9. danau sentarum
10. danau toba (hihihi, gw sering banget ngelewatin dano toba kalo pulang ke kampung nyokap, tapi blon pernah sekali pun gw bener-bener dateng ke dano ini...)

yang jauh2:
1. paris dan desa-desa di perancis (walopun bahasa prancis gw udah rusak total. hiks.)
2. yerusalem
3. petra (sekalian ke yerusalem)
4. cappadocia dan nemrut dagi (sekalian ke yerusalem juga)
5. ngliat aurora borealis (di mana pun itu)

mari, mari... siapa pun yang ngga cepet kesel, ngga doyan ngambek, ngga keterlaluan banci kamera, mau susah, tapi juga siap berkompromi dan mau dengan senang hati motoin gw, gw ajak ikut bertualang bareng gw...

Bosan, Bosan, Bosan...

Bosan kerja... biasalah, penyakit menahun yang sepertinya harus diterima sebagai inherent riks. Penyakit ini tak terelakkan di pekerjaan apapun, di tempat kerja manapun, bekerja dengan siapapun.

Bosan belajar... biasalah, awalnya menarik tapi lama-lama jadi rutinitas dan kewajiban tak menenangkan. Tidur larut demi harga diri yang dipertaruhkan dalam beberapa puluh menit ujian juga sama membosankannya dengan proses mendengarkan di dalam kelas sambil berusaha tak mengumpat karena bosan tak tertahankan.

Bosan membaca... biasalah, toh hobi ini sudah dikerjakan sejak dua puluh lima tahun lalu. Tanpa henti, tanpa lelah, semua bahan bacaan yang ada sudah habis dilalap dan akhirnya tak ada lagi yang cukup menarik dan cukup menantang yang membuat kedua mata ini bisa lengket ket ket pada halaman-halaman buku.

Bosan jalan-jalan... biasalah, jalan-jalan butuh duit dan butuh cuti, yang dua-duanya sangat sangat terbatas. Jadi sepertinya rekor gila-gilaan tahun lalu dan setengah tahun ini akan berhenti di situ saja.

Bosan makan... biasalah, seumur hidup minimal tiga kali sehari makan. Aktivitas ini benar-benar membosankan dan semoga saja kelak ada teknologi yang bikin orang bisa kenyang tanpa perlu makan.

Bosan bermimpi... biasalah, terlalu banyak mimpi malah bisa terus-terusan bikin patah hati. Mau juga hidup seperti orang-orang, mengalir tanpa mimpi, tanpa cita-cita, tanpa bintang yang ingin dicapai tapi agak khawatir lama-lama bisa gantung diri di pohon toge karena kebosanan yang lebih tak tertahankan lagi.

Bosan menulis... biasalah, menulis kan perlu pake berpikir dan berpikir sama sekali bukan alternatif yang menarik dari semua aktivitas yang sama membosankannya.

Bosan, bosan, bosan.... Huh.

Kalo Gue jadi Menbudpar...

kalo gue jadi menbudpar, gue bakal:
1. menasionalisasi resort2 asing biar negri gw ga kebagian buntung mulu dari semua profit resort2 itu
2. menghapus private beaches biar penduduk sekitar pantai2 tercantik itu tetep bisa nikmatin pantai tercantik mereka yg katanya milik rakyat tp ga bisa dinikmati kalo ga sanggup bayar
3. ajuin undang2 spy transaksi hotel ato resort ato apa pun yg berhubungan dgn jalan2 di negri gue sendiri kudu dibayar dalam rupiah; masa gue kudu bayar dalam sgd ato eur ato usd di negri gue buat nikmatin kecantikan negri gue yg mustinya adalah milik gue? COME ON!
4. benerin infrastruktur wisata, termasuk akses jalan, moda transportasi, bandara, pelabuhan, terminal, hotel, dsb dsb biar orang indonesia lebih suka dateng ke dano toba ato krakatau ato bunaken ato kelimutu ato derawan drpd ke singapore ato malaysia ato thai (yg ga ada apa2nya itu, hehe)
5. benerin official website-nya depbudpar (www.my-indonesia.info) biar lebih INFORMATIF dan BERGUNA (pls deh, masa buat cari tau gmn caranya ke TANA TORAJA dari makassar aja ga bisa?)
6. PROMOSI ttg wisata yg ga melulu bali ato bunaken ato lembah baliem; BANYAK yg bisa dijual, banyak yg bisa dipamerin... Indonesia itu benar2 cantik, kawan!
7. kasi benefit buat penduduk sekitar tempat wisata yg bikin mereka ngerti bahwa pelestarian lingkungan sekitar mereka emang berhubungan langsung ama periuk nasi mereka
8. dsb dsb... tar kalo gue pas jalan lagi, pasti kepikiran deh omelan2 laen, hehehehe....

tapi kan gue jauh bgt dari menbudpar yah... jadi, gw akan lakukan yg gue bisa: ayo teman2, mari kita jalan2 keliling indonesia!!!! (overland flores yuuuuuks... hiks hiks)

Hold on, Hold on...

People say that time will heal
But you know, they just don't feel what you feel
Times are hard but God is so good
He's never failed you, and He said He never would

He sees your tears
He fights your fears

Hold on, help is on the way
He said he'd never leave you or forsake you
Stay strong
Help is on the way
He'd said he'd help you
Just reach out and take his hand

He knows your heart, He lifts your head
He's always close enough to hear every word you said
When you're weak, He said He's so much more
His arm is long enough to reach you where you are

He sees your tears
He fights your fears

*berusaha menyemangati diri sendiri: ayo, ayo, semangat!!! help is indeed on the way!!!*

Inilah Batasnya

Sudah lama aku tidak menulis. Gabungan dari pekerjaan di meja dan laptopku bertumpuk, masalah di kepalaku yang menimbun, dan penyakit malas yang tak kunjung sembuh. Lagi pula, setiap kali aku ingin menulis, lebih sering kesedihan dan rasa rindu yang menggunung yang ingin kutulis. Menuliskan semua itu malah membuat semua rasa tadi tambah bergulung-gulung, dan bukan mereda. Belakangan, sulit sekali rasanya memandang hidup dengan sudut pandang yang lain, yang berbeda dengan apa yang dapat dilihat oleh mata jasmani. Entah mengapa, hati dan kepalaku menjadi tumpul dan hari-hari berlalu begitu saja, persis seperti kehidupan paling rendah yang bisa aku bayangkan.

Berjuta kali aku menggerutu, "it's already beyond my limits.." Dan entah berapa kali aku menggugat Yang Maha Tinggi. Yah, menggugat berapa besar Dia mengerti batas kekuatanku. Baru sekarang, akhirnya, aku bisa melihat lebih jelas. Dia tahu persis batas kemampuanku, bahkan lebih dari diriku sendiri (yeah, ini kalimat klise, tapi biar aku coba gambarkan lebih lanjut).

Hasil analisisku sendiri tentang hari-hariku belakangan ini dan caraku menghadapinya adalah bahwa selama ini semuanya memang sudah mendekat batas kekuatanku. Mendekati, tapi belum melewati. Jadi, dengan lebih keras berusaha, dengan lebih banyak bersabar, dan dengan lebih tekun berdoa, seharusnya aku bisa melewati semuanya dengan baik. Seharusnya. Tapi, seperti yang selalu terjadi, aku bukannya berusaha lebih keras, aku malah lebih sering naik pitam, dan aku malah mogok berdoa. Kesimpulannya, aku gagal dalam ujian hidupku kali ini, dan sepertinya harus mengulang sekali lagi (setelah begitu banyak kali mengulang pelajaran hidup yang itu-itu juga).

Yang membuat aku terpana adalah, dengan semua kegagalanku memahami dan bereaksi pada kejadian-kejadian yang mendekati batas kekuatanku tadi, Pribadi Yang Baik itu tak pernah, dan aku ulangi, tak pernah putus asa dan tak pernah menyerah melimpahiku dengan kebaikan. Ketika aku hampir menyerah (dan nyatalah bahwa itulah batas kekuatanku), selalu terjadi sesuatu yang membuatku bangkit dan berjuang lagi. Selalu terjadi sesuatu yang membuatku teringat pada betapa besar kasih sayang yang telah dan akan selalu dicurahkan bagiku. Selalu terjadi sesuatu yang membuatku merasa bahwa diriku bukan terhukum, tapi pewaris, walaupun mungkin aku hanyalah pewaris pada strata terendah. Selalu terjadi sesuat yang membuatku bertanya, "Mengapa selalu datang kebaikan pada diriku?"

Seorang sahabat terkasih pernah memberitahuku betapa dia mempelajari apa itu kasih karunia dari kehidupanku. Dia belajar bahwa kasih Allah dicurahkan bukan karena kehebatan, kepintaran, atau kebaikan seseorang tapi hanya karena kasih-Nya terlalu besar untuk tidak dicurahkan pada anak-anak-Nya. Memang seperti itulah. Aku tak pernah dan tak yakin akan bisa jadi orang hebat, orang pintar, apalagi orang baik. Tapi aku tak pernah berhenti menerima kasih yang tak terbatas itu.

Dear Lord, thanks for loving me THAT much
--setelah kejadian beruntun yang bikin mengharu biru---

Cerita dari Negri Tirai Bambu (1)

• ribet no. 1: taksi pesanan ngga dateng pada jam yang ditentukan; mau long week end, katanya, jadi susah
• ribet no. 2: satu anggota tim ketinggalan paspor  di rumah, jadi musti pulang dulu
• ribet no. 3: gue yang udah ganti kostum dan matiin laptop, siap jalan, tiba-tiba disuruh nge-print ulang form persetujuan sesuatu... nyalain laptop lagi deh
• ribet no. 4: H2C ama jalan yang macet: jakarta oh jakarta... dulu ketinggalan pesawat ke makassar aja gue rasa mau nyumpah-nyumpah, ketinggalan pesawat ke KL bisa bikin naik pitam kan yaa
• ribet no. 5: dua anggota tim yang beda kantor sama gue masih belum jalan juga, salah satunya masih meeting, katanya
• ribet no. 6: dua anggota tim lainnya (yang sama dengan ribet no. 5) masih belum jalan juga karena ngga ada taksi
• ribet no. 7: nunggu yang dua orang lagi ato check ini duluan ato makan malem dulu?
• ribet no. 8: gue dan teman-teman nunggu di Hoka-hoka Bento tapi yang kita tunggu ternyata udah masuk boarding room
• ribet no. 9: udah tinggal bentar lagi tapi gue masi ngotot mau abisin sup gue
• ribet no. 10: di mana sih counter bebas fiskalnya?
• ribet no. 11: UDAH MAU BOARDING!!! baru sekali ini gue lari-lari kaya kesetanan di bandara
• ribet no. 12: barang-barang Shinta dibongkar petugas imigrasi
• ribet no. 13: akhirnya segala keribetan berakhir juga...

Perjalanan kali ini dimulai dengan sejuta keribetan. Eh, di daftar gue cuma 13 yah, ngga sampe sejuta, tapi kalau mau dibikin detil, gue yakin deh bakal sampe sejuta. Rasanya deg-degan terus gara-gara waktu yang mepet-mepet. Dan ternyata, kelak di sepanjang perjalanan kami ini, bakal ada seratus juta keribetan lain, seratus juta deg-degan lain. Mari, mari, gue perkenalkan anggota tim kami kali ini.

Peserta pertama: ini biangnya perjalanan kali ini, yang punya obsesi ngga jelas sama cina dan panda, yang selalu merasa kalau kungfu panda sebenarnya adalah film tentang dirinya, yang paling ngga pernah bete selama perjalanan ini, yang selalu jadi pasangan banci kamera gue, yang ternyata porsi makannya kalah jauh sama gue.

Peserta kedua: ini dulunya jadi partner gw ke nepal dan bintan, yang kadang-kadang masa bodo ama keribetan kalo nyasar, yang kadang-kadang ketelitiannya bikin kami selamat dari nyasar lebih jauh lagi, yang ngga doyan dipoto dan sayangnya ngga doyan motoin orang lain juga, yang sigap dengan lonely planetnya kalo gue udah mau menyerah, yang selalu tepat waktu dan bikin gue dan peserta pertama yang kalo gerak emang selalu pake gaya kura-kura selamat dari keterlambatan tapi jadi harus buru-buru melulu.

Peserta ketiga: ini dulunya pernah jadi anggota kuartet gue ke bintan, yang kameranya kesirem air minum di lcct dan jadi ngga bisa motoin kami, yang ngga pernah minta dipoto tapi kalo udah ditembak kamera bakal langsung pasang gaya, yang ngga banyak ngomong tapi hebat banget kalo disuruh nebak tulisan mandarin, yang takut naik sepeda tapi maju terus pantang mundur.

Peserta keempat: yang mukanya cina abis tapi ngga terima kalo dibilang cina, yang selalu disangka cina asli dan disangka travel guide rombongan kami yang kulitnya coklat semua, yang ternyata mantan putri celana jeans, yang punya obsesi sama KFC dan toilet, yang herannya kok ngga bawa kamera jadi ngga bisa diharepin motoin gue.

Peserta kelima: gue sendiri, yang dengan diktator menyusun itinerary sesuka hati gue, nge-booking hotel semau gue, nentuin moda transportasi seenak jidat gue; gue yang memang ngga punya bakat jadi travel organizer tapi semata-mata nyari temen jalan yang mau ikutin mau gue, hehehe...

Sebelum gue lanjutin cerita perjalanan yang bikin kulit dan dompet gue kering kerontang ini, gue mau ucapin terima kasih buat empat anggota tim lain yang udah gue hina-hina di atas. Terima kasih banyak udah ngelaluin semua keribetan itu bareng gue, pasti ngga bakal sama kalo elo semua ngga ikut...

Kan Kubuktikan!

Teringat masa kecilku, kau peluk dan kau manja
Indahnya saat itu, buatku melambung
Di sisimu terngiang
Hangat nafas segar harum tubuhmu
Kau tuturkan segala mimpi-mimpi serta harapanmu

Kau ingin ku menjadi yang terbaik bagimu
Patuhi perintahmu, jauhkan godaan
Yang mungkin kulakukan dalam waktuku beranjak dewasa
Jangan sampai membuatku terbelenggu, jatuh, dan terinjak

Tuhan tolonglah sampaikan sejuta sayangku untuknya
Ku terus berjanji tak kan khianati pintanya
Ayah dengarlah, betapa sesungguhnya ku mencintaimu
Kan ku buktikan ku mampu penuhi maumu!

Andaikan detik itu kan bergulir kembali
Kurindukan suasana basuh jiwaku
Membahagiakan aku yang haus akan kasih dan sayangmu
Tuk wujudkan segala sesuatu yang pernah terlewati

-Yang Terbaik Bagimu (ADA Band)-

Tuhan, Biarkan Bapak Mendengarnya Sekali Ini

Bapak sayang,
Seperti yang selalu kuduga, aku benci hari-hariku. Aku benci bangun pagi, mandi, lalu berangkat bekerja. Aku benci duduk di depan komputerku dan berusaha mengerjakan hal-hal yang harus kukerjakan. Aku benci selalu merasa enggan mengerjakan semua yang harus kukerjakan itu. Aku benci membuang satu hari lagi dalam hidupku. Aku benci mengenangmu, Bapakku tersayang, dan mengingat betapa kau ingin aku bekerja di tempatku bekerja sekarang.

Bapak sayang,
Seperti yang selalu kutahu, aku sanggup melakukan apapun untukmu. Aku sanggup memberikan segalanya untukmu. Aku sanggup terbang ke langit untuk menggapai bintang impianmu. Aku juga tahu, kau selalu tahu bahwa aku sanggup dan selalu mau melakukan semuanya untukmu.

Bapak sayang,
Tidak seperti yang pernah kupikirkan, kehilangan engkau sama seperti kehilangan hidupku sendiri. Aku kehilangan mimpi-mimpiku. Aku kehilangan doa-doa yang menopang langkahku. Aku kehilangan kelembutan yang mengajariku berbaik hati pada orang yang jahat padaku. Aku kehilangan keinginan untuk menjadi orang yang lebih baik. Aku kehilangan cahaya yang menuntunku pada hari esok.

Bapak sayang,
Aku amat sangat merindukanmu. Duniaku runtuh dan aku amat sangat membutuhkanmu.

Sama Saja

Rasanya sama saja. Dulu, aku melihat sendiri mereka berurai air mata menangisi kehilangan yang begitu besar. Dulu, aku mendengar sendiri keluh kesah dan ketakutan mereka, karena hari depan yang tiba-tiba menjadi tak menentu. Dulu, hatiku bergetar karena merasakan kepedihan dan ketakutan mereka.

Sekarang, aku tak melihat sendiri, tak mendengar sendiri. Tapi tetap saja rasanya sama.

Doaku untuk mereka yang telah terpaksa kehilangan keluarga, saudara, tempat tinggal, harta benda, dan pekerjaan. Doaku untuk mereka yang (mungkin) akan segera terpaksa kehilangan pekerjaan.

Aku percaya Tuhan masih sayang negeriku, masih sayang bangsaku. Amin.