a conversation

"what in the world I'm doing here?" I asked.

"you asked for it, you prayed for it, remember?" God answered.

"I didn't know I would hate it so much.." I snapped at Him. "You're the one who shouldn't give me anything I asked for if it's not good for me, aren't You? YOUR Bible told me so!"

"but I did give you, didn't I?" God replied. "and you know very well what it means if I give something to you..."

"it's supposed to be good for me. it's supposed to make me someone better. it's supposed to make me love You better. it's supposed to make me more like Your Son." I cried. "but I'm going nowhere better. I'M TORN APART! and I believe YOU are the one who should fix me up before I'm broken to pieces and give it up all!"

"stop complaining, you stupid beloved child of Mine," He snapped at me. "I've been carrying you all this time. you're weak, but you've never been stronger with me. my power is yours! how many times should I tell you this? how many times should I show you this? I'm not letting you break into pieces. but if I do, that only means I want you to lean on Me, to count on Me.. on Me and Me ALONE. have I ever let you down? have I ever failed you? you survived the darkest storm in your life. THAT should teach you something."

I stared angrily at Him. "don't go over it again and again. that's history. I'm living in the presence. and I have this future so dark ahead of me. I CAN'T BEAR IT AND SINCE YOU ARE GOD, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!"

"I AM GOD, INDEED. I reign over time and space. I keep my promises. I never promised that everything will be easy. no way. I promise you strength to go through it, wisdom to find your way, love to keep you warm... just do everything you can do. remember your limits. leave the rest to me. I will take care of it. I will take care of you, like I always do. I never failed taking care of you, did I? I love you just too much, just too much..."

"oh God, my dear God, I just don't know how to go on," I whispered back.

"you don't need to. take one step at a time. the world can wait. do everything in faith. you may not be able to do it, but I can do it. cry if you must. I created tears to help you too, you know. but after you dry your tears, start again. just don't give up. I'm here with you. I'm here working it out with you. I'm here loving you tremendously. and don't you ever ever ever forget, I have all the power to do anything I want. I created everything from nothing. if I want you to be something, I can make it from scratch, that scratch you that you have always been complaining about. but if I want you to be just an ordinary woman--like you always call yourself, believe Me, you are still very very special. I created nothing ordinary. now, go back to your life. My blessings be with you. My love be with you. My power be with you." He smiled at me.

I could barely smile back at Him. "Okay. I hope next time it will be a more joyous talk."

He laughed. "It's always a joy for Me to talk to My children. just be yourself, whatever its state may be, and I will always be glad to talk to you."

I looked at Him, didn't know what else to say, and just said, "amen."