investment grade!

beloved country is on investment grade now after 14 years! so want to write about it but so no time. haha. hear hear, i talk like a devoted 9gagger now! so tired and so helpless. stupid simulations or stupid me? blah. took an arrow to the knee!

anyways, good job, fellas! investment grade yay! keep up the good job, kill all the corruptors, hoho! just as a propos, based on the scale of fellow 9gaggers, the scale would be:
justin bieber
super easy
easy
normal
hard
super hard
chuck norris
asian
russian (because 100% is not enough)
i will consciously ignore russian, for personal and professional reason. so asian rules!

yay yay yay! investment grade! got a reason to celebrate. can sleep early. worry about simulations tomorrow. 

Awkward

The awkward moment when you realize that you feel nothing at all and are fine with it.
Forever alone maximum level achieved. Just take an arrow to the knee, 140% correct if you're in Russia.

Definitely spend too much time in 9gag.

A Necessary Ending

That's the sermon in Elim church yesterday. Immediately later yesterday, things started to happen, things that urge me to apply whatever I have learned from that sermon. To apply the understanding that there are necessary endings to some things so that other things may happen; there are necessary endings to good things so that better ones may take place; there are necessary endings to one stage so that other stage may start.

This is my necessary ending to the one I have been struggling with over a year. This is it. I am going to another phase in life. May God help me.

So So So Tired, So So So Bored

Back pain now.

Head ache every now and then.

I'm so so so tired.

But I'm still so far from getting this thing done.

Some times brain is just dead when it is supposed to work.

Some times it refuses to shut down when it's time to stop.

The price I have to pay...

For a decision made by anger and disappointment.

 

There's a price for everything. 

There's really no such thing as free lunch...

 

I'm so so so tired.

and so so so bored.

But you haven't seen the end of me. 

I ask God

I ask God:
why
when
where
why
how
what
why
why
why
why
why why why

And all I hear is silence

Are you really silent, God?
Or am I so numb, God?
Or so deaf, blind, ignorant?

All those unanswered questions.
And life goes on, like it never matters.

I Want to Sing Out Loud!!!!

Ever since I arrived in this land of rain and wind, I noticed one thing that I quit doing altogether: singing my heart out loud, except for that barely one hour period of praise and worship during sunday service every week. I couldnt do it in my on campus accomodation, my bahtroom-mate will hear me clearly and she might be studying anytime of the day, of the life of postgrad (or the non existence of life of postgrad). Even when she wasnt in her room, people outside can hear me quite clearly and would think that another student has lost her mind.

 

After moving off campus, it was even more difficult. I shared a house, first with two guys, then with two girls. The walls were thin. I couldnt just sing. Sometimes, like a moron, I will sing in low voice while walking to the learning grid. I desperately want to sing! Hufff huffff....

Galau (2)

galau

 

God, always listening, always understanding

 

galau

:)

keywords

christmas

dissertation

simulation

debugging

latex

christmas

tarn

change of measure

numeraire

payoff

libor

market model

monte carlo

christmas

greeks

convergence

error

home

printing credit

learning grid

charter avenue

lunch

pizza delivery

drift

diffusion term

probability

home for christmas

packing

flight tickets

home for christmas

home for christmas

home for christmas

pathetic

pathetic

so pathetic

too pathetic

helplessly pathetic

 

oh just pathetic

simply pathetic

no words to describe it but:

PATHETIC!

My-God-is-Forever-Good Attitude

Okay. Now I really think I have to put an end to this all-things-are-bad attitude and start again a lifestyle with my-God-is-forever-good attitude. I complained way too much all this time. I looked at the bad side way too much. I started everyday with all my worries over things I couldn't handle myself and totally forgot my habit of waking up every morning with praise and gratefulness. So what kind of a christian do you think I am?

 

I refused to give up on my helplessness. I decided to look on HOW GOOD my God is, how unfailing His love is, how good I have been taken care of, this good for nothing old girl.

 

My God is good, always good, forever good. No matter what.

Galau

I am not skilled to understand what God has willed, what God has planned. I only know at His right hand, stands one who is my Savior. My Savior loves, my Savior lives, my Savior's always there for me. My God He was, my God He is, my God He's always gonna be.

(My Savior My God--Aaron Shust)

 

Galau. Resah. Namun ada masanya bukan bagianku untuk mengerti. Ada waktunya untuk menerima bahwa bagianku adalah menjalani. Ada kalanya untuk hanya percaya dan berhenti bertanya. Apapun yang terjadi, itu bukan akhir dunia. Meskipun itu akhir dunia, Allahku tetap mengasihiku.

End End End

I just want to write write write

so that I don't have to think think think

and I don't need to remember remember remember

all those times which are so sweet sweet sweet

even though most of the time they were actually bitter bitter bitter

and causing me too much of a pain pain pain

 

I really need to write write write

all those things that bring tears tears tears

for every reason anyone can think think think of

so that I won't forget forget forget

that once once once

I have been here here here

I have been hurt hurt hurt

I have been so sad sad sad

I have been so happy happy happy

I have met you you you

I have said good byes byes byes

I have learned that that that

everything has an end end end

all good things have an end end end

all bad things have an end end end

 

Even me someday will come to an end end end

I will be forgotten for sure sure sure

So why wonder wonder wonder

if now I learned a bit of that art art art

the art of being forgotten forgotten forgotten

 

Everything has an end end end

Deadly Tired

Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Not to mention academically.

 

Going home early today. Hope some sleep will do me good. Oh and some prayers must do me good.

Pass Me Not, O Gentle Saviour

Masih inget aja lagunya Fanny J. Crossby itu: pass me not o gentle Saviour, hear my humble cry. Gue google cari terjemahannya, nemu kaya gini: mampirlah dengar doaku, Yesus penebus. Rasanya jaman dulu gue mudaan, terjemahannya ngga kaya gitu deh. Tapi yah, ingatan gue belakangan ini kurang bisa diandalkan, jadi mungkin memang gitulah terjemahannya dari jaman kuda gigit besi. 

 

Intinya, kaya gitu deh gue tiap bangun tidur minggu-minggu belakangan ini. Tiap pagi bangun dengan resah, bisa ngga ya gue hari ini ngerjain sesuatu dengan benar? Tiap hari bangun pagi, ke meja kerja gue, pulang tengah malam, lelah bersusah payah berusaha mengerjakan sesuatu dengan benar dan seringkali pulang tanpa hasil. Doa gue tiap pagi, masih sama aja: berkenanlah, Tuhan, memberkati pekerjaanku hari ini...

 

Dua minggu lagi sebelum term ini berakhir. Seharusnya minggu ini gue sudah siap dengan segala sesuatu dan tinggal merampungkan tulisan gue. Dan gue masih amat sangat jauh dari itu. Gue tau, amat sangat tau, kerja keras sia-sia tanpa berkat Tuhan. Jadi sekali lagi, sambil berusaha tetap bekerja keras, gue mohon Tuhan gue yang baik, berkenanlah memberkati pekerjaan gue hari ini. Don't pass me by. Don't pass me by. Please don't pass me by.

Farewell

"Thank you for travelling with London Midland's service." That voice again. But this time, I glued my eyes to those words on my kindle. Three different guys has been sitting next to me since the train first departed from Euston. I didn't know them, didn't even bothered to try to talk to any of them, didn't even bothered to look at them. I kept on focusing on my kindle. None of them was you. No more London Midland services with you. The last one has been in the morning. The very last one.

 

How many London Midland's services did I take with you? Not so many, weren't they? But it felt like so many. Just like those Nando's session I used to have with our other friend. Feel like so many while in fact there were only a few sessions took place.

 

I got off the train at that station, you know, our station. Cross by the stairs, walked by the grass field. The horses were still there, eating as always. I hurried up to my flat but suddenly couldn't bear the idea that you wouldn't walk me back to my flat anymore. No more early evening walk back from the grid to my flat. No more late after-dinner walk from my flat to "three bus stops from here". No more 15-minutes walks which were always much much more than 15 minutes because everywhere was always 15 minutes walk for you. No more dinners in my kitchen. No more silly and idiot questions from me. No more "it's common sense!" grumble from you. No more random emails replied in 2 minutes. No more laughters over teasing our friends. No more so many things. It was the end of it. And tears started falling down my cheek. This was the very end of it.

 

Will we ever see each other again? It was miraculous how life united us in this place. It was miraculous that through everything we learned to enjoy each other's company. By God's plan, I believe, we are going through our own paths now. Some things really last together. But we never know, we never know. Will our paths crossed each other's again someday in the future?  We never know, we never know.

 

My friend used to say that you were my first friend here and at the end has become my last friend. Yea, quite funny isn't it? My journey in this land of rain and wind started with you and ended with you (almost ended, actually, almost). Someone in the church said that God really has a sense of humour. Of course, must be one of His sense of humour that made Him planned of our encounters here, something I will always treasure.

 

So farewell for now, dearest friend. I don't want to wish you anything. I'm praying for all the best to happen in your life, so I'm sure it will happen. It's just a matter of time for our eyes to see. Showers of blessings upon you, dearest friend, from now until eternity.

Counting the Days

In eight days, I will be saying good bye to one of the most important person in my life. Most probably the last good bye ever. Most probably I will be forgotten forever. Most probably I will be the only one cherishing the memory of the time we spent together, both good and bad.

 

And life goes on, no matter what I feel, no matter what I want.

Grateful

I feel so terrible for losing my father three years ago, when I was 29, seeing my colleagues still have theirs when they are past their 40s, seeing even my mother still have hers now that she has passed her 50s. Then I read a four-years-younger-than-me friend's status on facebook, saying that it's 17 years after her father passed away.

 

Anything can be worse. I am determined to be more grateful.

This Fight

All this hype, people celebrating their end of MSFM, their GLORIOUS end of the year of fighting and battling, and as a friend I feel I will have to be happy for them. We used to fight together, day and night, oh those sleepless nights. I should have been happy for that wonderful end of theirs. But at the end, I'm just human. I can only congratulate one and one person only, the only one suffered as much as me, the only one I know that has shed tears on every night of this battle. I want to genuinely congratulate you all, dear friends. After all, you have always been there for me, even on my darkest time of uselessness. But please just let me say nothing for this and this time only. I just want to feel sorry for myself.

 

Even so, nobody has seen the end of me. I'm still fighting.

i.wanna.quit

i.just.wanna.quit.

tired.of.it.all.

the.big.guy.is.gonna.call.me.names.again.

the.small.guy.wont.help.either.

no.place.for.a.dumb.

i.just.wanna.quit.

Start from the Beginning

Oke, oke, jadi terlalu banyak khawatir juga ngga ada gunanya. Hanya khawatir juga cuma bakal bikin semua kekhawatiran tadi jadi kenyataan. Bingung ngga tau mau mulai dari mana juga ngga ada gunanya. Semua cuma buang-buang waktu dan bikin kemungkinan terburuk jadi kepastian. Jadi, mari kita mulai dari awal.

 

1. Doa dulu yakk. Minta Tuhan pimpin, minta Tuhan beri ide, inspirasi, ketenangan, kekuatan, kesabaran, keteguhan hati, dan pastinya kecerdasan yang cukup.

2. Matiin internet browser.

3. Mulai sketsa algoritma buat koding, bikin koding

4. Istirahat panjangnya kalau udah kelar koding yaa. Sebelumnya, selamat menikmati dulu lah.

 

Kaya kata khotbah tadi di gereja, hidup itu kaya rollercoaster: nakutin. Menakutkan pas mau naik, pas mau turun, pas di titik teratas, pas di titik terendah. Akan ada banyak kala ketika manusia ngga bisa enjoy the ride. Dan itu normal. Good news is, God is on my side. Jadi, sekarang tarik napas panjang, mulai dari awal, ini semua proses yang normal. Ngga ada yang salah dengan semuanya. Tuhan memberkati, itu pasti. Amin. 

A Conversation

a: i think you should continue your counselling session

b: why?

a: you are too stressful

b: but it's better than it used to be, much better

a: so you think not being able to eat, can't get up at normal hour is normal then?

b: no. i'm not saying that

a: well if you say it's normal then go on with it

b: you know, these sessions are really exhausting

a: you mean eating?

b: i mean the counselling. i will unavoidably digging into things i don't want even to think about

a: you mean you don't want to talk about some things?

b: i mean i don't even want to think about some things. talking is easy if you can think about it

a: but eventually you will need to solve your problem

b: yea

b*: but my problem is you

Wicked

I went out watching a musical with a friend yesterday, Wicked it was. Well, he's leaving for good in a two week time and we may never see each other again. I always have this feeling that he doesn't really fond of me and only will hang around with me if there is no one else around. So well, when he said he planned to watch a musical, I asked if he's going for Lion King or Wicked, since these two fascinated me much. So Wicked it was.

The story line was okay. The songs were okay, even I don't remember any single tone of the music, so the music must not be that ear-catching to my not-so-sophisticated ear. Nevertheless, I am listening to the Wicked album now on Spotify and in particular quite fancy No One Mourns the Wicked (the wicked cries alone, the wicked cries alone) and I'm not That Girl (wishing only wounds the heart). And oh, Popular is quite a catch on my ear. I quite like Galinda (or later Glinda) by the way, sounds like me, a bit soft hearted, not so much of a brainer if you don't want to call it dumb, child-like most of the time, somehow popular in some circles, but without the beautiful and fair part. One more, I hate the Fiyero guy. Such a loser he is, wandering around Glinda without loving her and in a blink of time, when Alphaba showed up again, turned to Alphaba leaving the full of love Glinda broken-hearted and confused.

This is the cast of the play: Rachel Tucker (Elphaba), Louise Dearman (Glinda), Mark Evans (Fiyero), Julie Legrand (Madame Morrible), Clive Carter (The Wizard), Julian Forsyth (Dr Dillamond), Zoë Rainey (Nessarose), Ben Stott (Boq). Worth watching, in my opinion, and clearly worthed the 18 pounds for the ticket and 10 pounds for the rail rover!

Hey, Mood. Where are Thou?

I searched for thee at the land of the fjords. Thou are not there.

I explored the city of lights trying to find thee. Thou are not there.

I digged deep into the huge building of books. Thou are not there.

I tortured myself sitting in front of that blinking monitor. Thou are not there.

I buried my head under those words I read, those words I write, those words I play with. Thou are not there.

I delved into random places. Thou are not there.

I swam in the ocean of caffeine. Thou are not there.

 

Where are thou, good old Mood?

Come back to mommy. I need thee.

Love Hurts?

Really?
Does it?
I repeat, does it?

God is love.
Love comes from God.
Love is a character of God.
Everything from God should nurture, not hurt.

Love doesn't hurt.
Expectation does. 

bapak

just read my sister's status of facebook: kangen nasi goreng seafood dan pindang-sambal-kemiri bapak (miss father's seafood fried rice and boiled fish with hazelnut sauce). and a surge of emotion flows through my whole body.

 

my parents have four children, making me the eldest. our father, we call him bapak, was so many things to us the children. well, our mother is an amazing mother, having done things no other mothers nor wives would do in life, stretching out everything to give all things possible to our family, giving her life and love to keep our family from falling apart, praying day and night to keep my troubled brothers and sister from totally messing up their lives. she really made it, an amazing woman indeed.

 

but bapak is our national hero. oh okay, he is my national hero. i mean, he was the one for us. the one and only one who was willing to see our dreams and saw the chances that those dreams might come true. the one who would treat our dreams as things that were just not yet became reality but soon would do. he was the one telling me to go with my math major simply because he knew i loved it so much. he was the one telling me to go for this posh boarding school simply because he knew i wanted to give it a try. he was the one allowing me to apply to this posh junior high school even when he knew he might never be able to afford it and i might very well embarassed myself for being so different with my schoolmates just because he knew i wanted it. he knew i wanted things beyond my reach. he knew i wanted to give everything a try. he knew i wasnt afraid of failure. he just knew. and he always let me do it, assissting me along the way, letting me know that if i said i couldnt make it any further then i didnt have to. because he knew, he always knew, as much as i wanted to do everything my way i never had any plans to embarass him, or to cause him trouble, or to slave myself to death just to get to my obesessions.

 

bapak used to cook a lot. his favourite were this seafood fried rice and that boiled fish with hazelnut sauce. tell you what, they were fabulous. nobody can make it the way he did. seafood was quite pricey for us so he only made it on very special occasions: when he felt like it. yes, thats the way he was. special occassions were the times when he felt like it. nothing more, nothing less. money was just something he could work for later. special occassions would not be there forever. as weird as it sounds, i am happy that it was the way he was. things got harder when his business went down and much harder later. but this man of ours never run out of reasons to celebrate a day.

 

boiled fish used to be very cheap, and easy to cook. more and more often later, that would be our menu. we the children are used to grumble. WHAT, MORE BOILED FISH TODAY? and he would prepare something else the next day. i dont know if it hurt him. maybe not. not so many things hurt his feeling, i think, as long as we continued being the obedient and nice kids we used to be. well, my brothers and sister got into trouble every now and then, but nothing big. just things kids do. oh okay, it got worsen when they got into teenage phase, but still we were relatively nice kids. you know, doing quite well in school, managed to graduate no matter what, didnt terrorize our parents just to get things we want because other kids did, didnt drink, didnt smoke, didnt get into drugs, didnt get pregnant before getting married, went to church every sunday. oh okay, the list goes on and on.

 

now, what did i try to say again? oh, that boiled fish with hazelnut sauce. i miss it too. i wonder if he misses having it too with us, his wife and children. that old good time. but they say we are now in different worlds, so he may not have this feeling of missing something. 

 

it has been three years now. i wonder if he knows that we did manage to get through without him. i wonder if he knows how we cling into each other more to ease the pain of losing him, how we care about each other more because there is no more of a man who will fix everything, how we pray for each other more because there is no such a hero who will pray for everything anymore. i wonder if he knows that after three years i still wish he was here, comfort me in my hopelessness, my broken-heartedness. we did it without you for three hard years, bapak dear, but we would have preferred having you around.  

A New Fav (to My Ears, at Least)

Never been a fan of Rihanna, actually. but this one caught my attention after being no. 1 of top list track on Spotify for weeks already. Got a glimpse of the video and totally hate it. So I will just stick with Spotify.

 

We Found Love - Rihanna

 

yellow diamonds in the light

and we're standing side by side

as your shadow crosses mine

what it takes to come alive

 

it's the way i'm feeling i just can't deny

but i've gotta let it go

 

we found love in a hopeless place

we found love in a hopeless place

we found love in a hopeless place

we found love in a hopeless place

 

shine a light through an open door

love and life i will divide

turn away cause i need you more

feel the heartbeat in my mind

 

it's the way i'm feeling i just can't deny

but i've gotta let it go

 

we found love in a hopeless place

we found love in a hopeless place

we found love in a hopeless place

we found love in a hopeless place

 

 

A Search

There are times when I searched into my mind and find nothing there. Like today. I searched high and low, on the part that I use to work on my dissertation, on the part I use to develop adequate relationships with people, on the part I use to force myself to stop wanting things I cannot have, on the part I use to keep myself moving on when I'm in automatic pilot mode. Nothing was there. It's empty, it's so empty, it's dauntingly empty.

 

So I clasped my hands, closed my eyes, and talked to my God. And I found him there, with open hands waiting for me to come back, my God, my king, my best friend, my father, my lover, my all.

 

I searched my mind high and low. I still find it empty. But at least I'm in the loving hands of the one who never fails me.

I Want to Talk, Desperately Want to Utter Words

Today, I have only said these words:

 

Thank you - getting of the bus near church

Ten meatballs and chips, please - ordering food at Ikea

Yes, please - answering the question, "berry and gravy?"

Thank you - paying for my meal

Thank you - paying for my scarf at primark

Thank you - getting off my bus near university house

Medium hazelnut latte, please - ordering my coffee at Costa

Thank you - paying for my coffee

 

Twenty one words in total. What a quite world. What a lonely planet.

Beauty

She was such a beauty. I was sitting on the floor near Gate D7, waiting for the queue to the security check of the gate to be a bit shorter. Well, I was too tired and too sleepy to just stand there. I don't mind being the last to board the plane, I got my favourite seat booked anyway. And she was standing there on the queue, perfect slim body with great legs and just a perfect height, blonde and perfectly done hair, perfect make up, awesome boots, nice fitted white jeans, pretty loose blouse gracefully fell to one side of her shoulders. Her face shows a bit of arrogance, quite aristocratic trace, I will say. Something that will scare you enough and amuse you at the same time. She was such a beauty, even the way she tilted her head to one side. Damn. How come there is such a beauty. I can't help being jealous.  

 

She was such a beauty. I was hurrying down the corridor to reach the passport control as soon as possible. I wasn't paying much attention to anything. What could be special anyway? Just a regular flow of passengers on the late night flights. And she was there, walking with a middle aged and limped woman, helping her carrying her big bag all the way down the long corridor. The beauty hold one strap, the limped woman hold the other one. The limped woman keep thanking her for helping her with this big bag without trolley and she just smiled beautifully. She was such a beauty.

 

And I looked away in shame. My eyes got watery. Would I have done the same thing? Would I have offered help to that limped woman or would I just pretend that I didn't see because it was all her fault for carrying a big bag without a trolley to the cabin? Would I have shown compassion? I, after all, who has received grace, who has known that unconditional love given to me while I was unworthy of it? I, among others, who has been showered with compassion all my life without even once deserve it? Would I have acted like one who knows how to love after being loved so much? Would I have put my Christian teachings of faith, hope, and love into practice instead of judging people all the time and being so self-centred all the time?  

 

My face may not shine with beauty that will turn people's eyes on me. Well, it is definitely not. But I have a heart that's been washed in Christ's blood and it definitely is capable of shining with beauty. My heart can shine with the beauty of unconditional love that has been showered unto me abundantly. My heart may turn people's heart to the Christ. So would I?

t.i.r.e.d.

I feel so tired. Extremely tired. Tired of trying to show a face that everyone wants to see: a face of patience, strength, optimism, self-confidence, broken-heart-proof, grace. Tired of trying hard to really be whatever my face tries to show: to really be a woman of patience, of strength, of grace. It seems that I'm so far far away from it.

 

I really feel so tired after three long days of "interrogations". A friend stayed at my place and she kept on digging on my past, on things I pushed too far behind my memory, on pains I thought has been healed long time ago, on a marriage I have never planned for myself.

 

So why didn't I just say it out loud? Why is it so hard to admit that love just hasn't found me yet? Why does the words didn't come out proclaiming that I will only marry one and only one man in my life and that man will be the love of my life, someone I love so much but always second to my God, someone who loves me with the abundance of God's grace but will always put me second to His God? Am I somehow worried that such a man doesn't exist? Am I somehow scared that the ugly part of me will show up, the part of me that feels that I'm not good enough for something good, contradicting myself to my Christian faith, to everything I believe to be the foundation of life?

 

Oh gosh. I am tired. So tired. Too tired.

Random Thoughts

Setelah ajang curhat-curhatan yang ngga keruan selama hampir setahun, sepertinya blog ini bakal kembali jadi ajang wara wiri otak dan emosi gue yang memang tetap ngga keruan. Sekarang ini lagi ngga ada yang sesuatu banget buat gue tulis. Mungkin besok-besok. Mungkin lima menit lagi. As random as my heart beat kayanya mah. Heuheu.

The Pages

As we travel together through these pages, you may want to consider that you are not what your present negative mood says you are: you are not the stupid, inadequate, hopeless, or unlovable person whom you believe you are right now. You're a human being, no better or no worse than other people you admire. You're as unique and as interesting as they are, equally deserving respect and encouragement. Don't expect to feel convinced of this at the moment. Even your choosing to read this book suggests that somewhere inside you believe that you deserve more. This book will speak to that part of you that wants more out of life, that inner voice that refuses to give in to depression. It may be only a tiny voice at the moment, but my aim in these pages is to strengthen that voice and help you discover a truer, healthier, sense of who you really are: someone who includes and makes room for personal vulnerability, but who never loses sight of his capacity for joy, someone you'd be glad to wake up to each morning.

How can we even aspire to achieve something so important in a short book like this? Let me say this first so neither of us has any illusions: nobody can magically take away depression. I can only join with those who are in this particular pain and help them to discover a strength in themselves to fight it. You will need to struggle and do battle with your inner demons of shame, self-criticism, and self-loathing on which depression feeds. You may be drowning under the weight of all this now and need a solid ally to help you fight your way back.

-Tony Bates-

My Best Friend

my best friend insomnia. faithful, too faithful. lying now on my bed,
almost four in the morning. where are you, sleep? too tired to work,
too tired to do anything. so just lie here, hugging mr. grey bear,
cuddling his curvy head, kissing the tip of his black nose. mandisa is
still singing on the spotify. its better if i think of someone, it
usually helps. but nobody comes to mind who wont make my head
juggling. so i just hug mr. grey bear and tell my brain to shut down
for awhile.

Suddenly

Suddenly realize that I'm literally on my own. Just like when I started it all ten months ago: all on my own. Ah well, I will still make it. I will.

Masih Histeris

Masih histeris
hari ini ketemu si ganteng empat kali
dalam dua jam

Masih histeris
setelah setiap hari selalu ketemu si ganteng
di library tercinta

Masih histeris
berasa GR aja si ganteng sengaja pilih komputer di sebelah gue
padahal di depan sono banyak yang kosong

Masih histeris
sama tawa lebarnya
sama senyum manisnya

Amboi,
histeris terlalu lama tak baik untuk kesehatan
termasuk kesehatan jiwa gue
karena histeris mempengaruhi peluang lulus gue

Tapi amboi,
si ganteng bikin gue selalu semangat
ke library tiap hari

Amboi,
alangkah manisnya
baca paper-paper itu
sambil sesekali mengintip rambut pirangnya

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*tambah histeris*

My Joy

Got a very funny e-mail from my youngest brother this morning. Well, the topic is not funny at all, asking if I were in London nowadays considering that riots in Tottenham. But, the way he delivered his concerns is so cute. And touching. And hilarious. Yea, as usual, that cute little boy that used to bring laughters to our family dinners. Or family watching-TV events. Or any otherwise so ordinary days. That boy has turned out to be a man who still love his sister, in his own peculiar way, in a way that always reminds me of how blessed I am.

Still reread that cute e-mail every two hours, almost memorize every word of it. Oh yea, I need to reply it. Haha.

Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me that Life Could be Like This?

You don't have to be very much in it to realize that there are only a perceptive few who see your pain, but they may well not know what to do or say. The others, sadly often your closest relatives, friends, sometimes even your doctor, will insist that you get a grip on yourself. 'snap out of it' and get on with living.

It is then that your world takes on the ghastly reality of the isolation of it. You know that no other human being can have felt like this because someone would have told you -- warned you that it could be this bad. But the experience cannot be put into words or communicated. You are right that no one else ever felt like this because each is its own unique self. It takes on a life of its own. It has its own root causes peculiar to you.

You ask for help and they stuff you with pills. They won't listen because you need a million hours. You need a million hugs. You need a million words of reassurance.

These you cannot have, for the world is busy with its own life and importance. The reality is that you are what the world might call 'mentally ill'. And that really hurts. It hurts like hell.

People who make out there are simple answers are wrong, and their cliche-ridden talk drives you further into it.

-Sue Atkinson-

Time for Everything

There is a time for everything under heaven. And there is a time to say that enough is enough. And to act accordingly.

The time is now. Enough of it all.

One Day Supplies

My today supplies to accompany me on another lonely adventure at my sanctuary among millions of books and empty desks while listening to Addison Road yelling out "but we are not indestructible" and trying to get a hold on those PDE pricing frameworks:

brand new Ness bag (stripes of pink, blue, yellow, black, green, and purple)
Toshiba laptop and charger and adaptor
750 gigs external hard disk
pen and pencil
bright red purse
earphone
a bottle of apple juice
hot peppermint tea in a flask bottle
Port-Royal Belgian chocolate
Fruit-tella
packs of biscuits
pack of dinner (macaroni schotel and fried rice, yea, not healthy)
leftover of coleslaw
two mobiles
printed papers
bright red hoodie
my conscience

Hufff hufff. Like I'm gonna eat anything; like I'm gonna read anything.
Well, of course I will eat everything. I will read everything.

Marriage vs Ph.D.

Follow Your Dream

X: How did we get here? I mean, do I really care that much about my work?

Y: Maybe you don't. But I know that if you don't follow your dream, you're not going to be happy, even if you're with me.

-PHD comics-

My Messy Room, My Messy Life

Your room reflects your life. Okay, that's no quote from anyone. I made it up. I did because most of the time it's true for me. If my room is messy, then it means my life is messy. The messier my room is, the messier my life is. The more I hesitate to tidy up my room, then it means the more I hesitate to sort out my life. Sounds weird? Well, then it's me: weird.

Right now, right this second, my room is on the messiest state it has ever been in my whole life, among all rooms I have ever occupied. I have never been a tidy person by nature but I believe that I'm kind of an "organized messy girl" in which I can always find my stuff around my messy surrounding because I have this particular pattern of putting things in that mess. The same with my life, I have never been completely lost no matter what happen. I have always been able to figure it out, found a way out, be the champ.

But right now, right this second, I'm completely lost. It has been that way for a couple of weeks. I mean, I've been lost for a couple of months already but the worst ever ever ever is the last few weeks, as can be clearly described by the state of my room.

I was in the church earlier this morning, singing this song saying "Jesus, you're all my heart live for" and felt like having been struck by thunder. Coming back to my room, I can see that all this weeks (oh yes well, all this months), I, my heart, my mind, my all have been living for my worries. Eventually, now everything is in a mess, just like everything in my room.

When I look at it, trying hard to be honest to myself, I just have to admit that the worst of it all is not the mess I'm making with my dissertation, but the mess I've been living with on my relationship with God. The results have been disastrous: I messed up my academic life; I messed up my relationships with my friends and family; I recklessly let myself fall in love too deeply with a man that I can't help myself out of it; I neglected my own body and mind that I didn't have proper sleep, proper meals, proper quiet time; I ignored my spiritual needs, skipping Sunday service now and then, almost no heartful prayers, minimum Bible readings; I literally had no heart for people and was not able to have genuine compassion for others by most of the time putting myself, my needs, my ego, my feelings, my pride, my everything above all. I messed up every little bits of my life, of myself.

I looked at myself in the mirror this afternoon, barely knowing this woman I was looking at: selfish, insecure, heartless, demotivated, depressed, pessimist, full of inferior syndrome, gloomy. Where is that 22-years-old young woman I used to know, full of life, passionate, ready to conquer the world, crazily in love, so optimistic about everything, with faith unshaken on her God and Saviour, never hesitate to love others, to help others, to pray for others, to forgive others? Where is she? Has ten years of tides of life has beaten her, broken her, conquered her?

As I tidy up my room today, I pray that God help me tidying up my life. The world may have beaten me, broken me, conquered me. But I know, I believe, my God is still bigger than it all. He even created everything from nothing. He can and will create a new me from these ruins of a woman.

Aku Mau Tidur!!!

Udah rebahan sejam lebih, masih ngga bisa tidur. Halahhhhhh. Gimana ini mata dan body.... Waktunya kerja, pengen tidur. Waktunya tidur, ngga bisa nyenyak. Sampe pusing saking pengen tidur tapi tetep aja ngga bisa nyenyak. Tulung tulungggggggg. Hufff hufff.

New Motto

Okay. New motto now. If people don't want me, they won't have me for sure. If people do want me, that doesn't necessarily mean they will have me> I'm tired of being second best. Or third best. Or not-even-in-the-list best. Good bye. Carpe diem.

What about Friends

Keep on wondering if I'm becoming too sensitive again, but really hate it when I feel ignored by the people who are supposed to be my "best friends". Well, okay, maybe I'm just too sensitive but these two best friends walked back with me to our flats tonight and they wouldn't give me space to walk on the same row with them. I kept on running to this side, then that side, and this side again because every time they would move with this particular pattern so that I couldn't walk on the same row. I always ended up walking behind them. Like a servant. Like a beggar.

Well, talking about beggars, I start to feel like I have been begging to be considered as their friends all this time. They prefer to be on their own, or at least one of them prefers to be without me among them. I'm just too stubborn not to be considered as a part of them. Or too stupid. Or too lonely. Or too hopeless.

WTH then. If they don't want me, they won't have me. They can't choose to have me sometime and not having me the other times. Enough of these running to this side and that side and this side and that side every time. Enough of being nice friends only during lunches and dinners. So they don't want me, then they won't have me. They can be on their own, choose the friends they like. I'm fine.

Yea, maybe I'm just being too sensitive. So what?

Renaissance!

Jadwal besok:
06.00: bangun, jogging
07.00: sarapan, mandi, doa pagi
08.30: kelarin draft surat
09.00: masak nasi buat siang, jalan ke library
12.00: jalan balik, makan siang
13.30: balik ke library
18.00: jalan balik, makan malem
19.30: balik ke library
10.30: balik, mandi, doa malem
12.00: tidorrrr

Tips dari teman-teman tersayang:
1. terima kenyataan, semua udah kejadian
2. maju!
3. taat, semua masih dalam rencana Tuhan
4. Tuhan sayang gue, Tuhan sayang gue, Tuhan sayang gue.

Ayo, laskar pemenang!!!

My Promises

I promise
not to let myself be broken
no matter how dark the road is
no matter how tough the climb is
no matter how vast the ocean is

I promise
not to let myself be bitter
no matter how sad I am
no matter how disappointed I am
no matter how angry I am

I promise
not to let myself stop loving
no matter how many times I am rejected
no matter how painful it can be
no matter how stupid it seems

And I promise
to keep on having faith
in myself
in people that God put around me
in my Saviour and Redeemer

So help me, God.

My Current Starred Playlist

Did I tell anybody that now I'm using Spotify? Unlimited, it is, for a couple quids every month. I can make my own playlist from millions of songs available online, or no playlist and just pick an album or an artist in random. I can star anything I want and it will make its own "starred playlist". Cool isn't it? Haha. Just something else to play around when I can't focus on this reading (which is most of the time). In no particular order, this is my current starred playlist and some parts of the lyrics that keep humming in my head:

1. Chasing Pavements, Adele, 19
*should I give up or should I just keep on chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere*

2. The Last Goodbye, David Cook, This Loud Morning
*but wherever we are we're miles apart... this is the last goodbye*

3. We believe, David Cook, This Loud Morning
*we believe that tomorrow carries something new  and after everything we've been going through, we believe*

4. Circadian, David Cook, This Loud Morning
*mayday, somebody save me now, I'm cutting all ties from the world outside*

5. Somewhere in Brooklyn, Bruno Mars, Doo-Wops & Hooligans
*I wonder will we ever meet again, I wonder if we ever meet again*

6. Talking to the Moon, Bruno Mars, Doo-Wops & Hooligans
*talking to the moon, try to get to you, and hope you on the other side talking to me too*

7. Marry You, Bruno Mars, Doo-Wops & Hooligans
*it's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do, hey baby I think I'm gonna marry you*

8. Just the Way You are, Bruno Mars, Doo-Wops & Hooligans
*when I see your face, there's not a thing I would change 'cause you're amazing the way you are*

9. The Lazy Song, Bruno Mars, Doo-Wops & Hooligans
*today I don't feel like doing anything, I just wanna lay in my bed*

10. I Do, Colbie Caillat, All of You
*you make me wanna say I do I do I do I do I do I do love you*

11. Brighter than the Sun, Colbie Caillat, All of You
*this is how it starts, lighting strikes the heart, it goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
we could be the stars, falling from the sky, shining how we want, brighter than the sun*

12. Lookin' for a Good Time, Lady Antebellum, Lady Antebellum
*complicated situation only get worse in the morning light... hey I'm just looking for a good time*

13. I was Here, Lady Antebellum, I was Here
*I wanna do something that matters, say something different,
something that sets the whole world on its ears... touch a few hearts in this life*

14. Just a Kiss, Lady Antebellum, Just a Kiss
*just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight, just a touch in the fire burning so bright
I don't wanna mess this thing up, I don't wanna push too far*

15. Learning to Fly, Jason Castro, Changing Colors
*I'm learning to fly but I ain't get wings, coming down is the hardest thing*

16. Undiscovered, James Morrison, Undiscovered
*I'm not lost, I'm not lost, just undiscovered*

17. Broken Strings, James Morrison & Nelly Furtado, Songs for You, Truths for Me
*I tried to hold on but it hurts too much, I tried to forgive but it's not enough to make it's all okay*

18. See You, Josh Wilson, See You
*but on the darkest days I won't let go, it will still be well within my soul, even when the answers don't come easily*

19. Never Alone, Lady Antebellum, Never Alone
*this isn't good bye, my love will follow you, stay with you, baby you're never alone*

20. Blessings, Laura Story, Blessings
*what if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy*

21. Right in Front of Me, Josh Wilson, Life is not a Snapshot
*maybe this is what it means to question you and still believe,
to search and still be satisfied, to know and yet to wonder why,
to put my faith in things I doubt, to love what I can't figure out*

22. Shine on Us, Josh Wilson, See You
*but finding peace is way too hard when you're looking in the dark*

Kamar Gue Hari Ini

Gini nih kalo mau ngoceh tapi ngga ada pemirsa yang bisa disuru dengerin ocehan gue. Para pria lagi di WBS, kerjain disertasi. Para wanita lagi di library, kerjain disertasi. Tetanggal-tetangga ngga ada yang nongol di dapur, sepertinya sih lagi di kamar masing-masing ngerjain disertasi. Ya iyalah, secara kan ini lagi musim disertasi. Gue aja yang gatel pengen ngoceh. Masalahnya, udah ngga ada pendengar setia, topiknya pun emang ngga ada yang menarik.

Jadi ya udahlah, gue ngoceh aja tentang kaya apa kamar gue hari ini. Kalo mau versi pendek, udah kaya kapal abis kena angin topan sehari semalam. Versi panjangnya kaya gini. Di kasur, ada duvet dan bantal yang bergulung-gulung ngga keruan. Jelas aja, bangun tidur cuma gue lempar doang sesuka hati. di pojok deket bantal, ada Charlie Bear dan boneka cantik gue. Si cantik terbaring telentang sementara si beruang tengkurep dengan muka yang jauh-jauh dari si cantik, seakan lagi ngga mood liat rambut berantakan boneka gue itu. Di pojok sini ada kaos kaki tidur gue, kelipet-lipet ngga keruan. Ada juga tempat kamera gue, terbaring pasrah. Di meja dekt ranjang, ada berupa-rupa barang: segala charger, bando, kunci, gunting, pelembab, bedak, lipstick, lip lgoss, jepit rambut, Frommer's Scandinavia, buku resep marinade, sisir, dan sesenti debu. Haha.

Di meja kerja (taelah, meja kerja, kaya banyak aja gue kerja, huhu), ada laptop gue (tentunya). Di balik laptop ada setumpuk struk belanja yang ngga gue buang karena entah apa (mungkin karena gue belanjanya pake kartu debet jadi berasa mungkin tar-tar bakal butuh lagi ntu struk-struk sejibun) dan kotak hand blender. Trus ada lampu meja, dompet, gelas, botol minum, cangkir kertas kopi Costa, sunglasses, handphone, piring kecil dengan sekerat pizza (frozen, udah dioven) sisa sarapan tadi pagi, kotak tissue, telepon meja, kotak kue yang isinya dua biji cupcake yang dikasi temen gue dua bulan lalu (hah, untung emang bukan cake seger tuh), bolpen, pensil, penghapus, setumpuk keras di pojok sana, satu buku Horrid Henry dan Probability with Martingales dan akhirnya jreng jreng jreng ordner isi bahan bacaan gue hari ini.

Di lantai, di atas karpet maksudnya, ini dia yang paling heboh. Haha. Oke, gue mulai dari pojok deket jendela dan terus bergerak sampe pojok deket pintu, Ada tong sampah item kecil jelek, kantong kertas isi plastik-plastik ngga jelas yang disimpen karena suka butuh buat tempat-tempat yang sama ngga jelasnya, kertas-kertas bekas buat coret-coret curhat bahan revision gue, dua biji ordner yang abis gue bolak balik minggu lalu, satu dua tiga empat lima enam tas. Duileh, buat apa ada enam tas di lantai yah: satu tas jalan gue, satu tas yang kemaren dipake ngadep Opa Tony nanya-nanya Time Series, satu tas selempang kulit, satu tas ransel, satu tas belanja buat ke Tesco, satu tas piknik yang kemaren abis dibawa jalan ama anak-anak. Hufff hufff. Oh, ada satu lagi tas Clarks yang di dalemnya ada tas beneran Clarks. Dow. Maksud gue, itu tas memang adalah tas buat menyimpan tas. Bingung kan. Trus lagi, ada empat wadah makanan sisa piknik kemaren, satu botol minum, empat kantong belanja: dua kantong Primark punya temen gue (dia nitip doang), dua kantong Next: satu hasil belanja gue, satunya emang tempat tas piknik pas abis dikasi ama temen gue yang laen lagi. Eh, masi ada tiga kantong belanja lagi deng. Satu kantong Gap hasil berburu kapan tau dan kantong Monsoon isi baju dan sepatu buat ponakan gue dan satu kantong Pattiserie Francais yang isinya cake awetan sisa kemaren piknik. Trus ada sendal kamar gue dan sepatu-sepatu yang belum gue balikin dengan rapi ke kardus masing-masing. Dan satu lagi, koper gede gue yang di ats nya nangkring dengan manis dua biji cardigan dan bantal kursi gue, ada pula jigsaw puzzle yang udah kelar dikerjain dan gulungan yang blon kelar dikerjain, dan satu kardus isi kertas-kertas yang mau gue buang tapi blon sempet buang. Gitu deh.

Singkat kata, ngga ada space di lantai gue kecuali selebar dua puluh senti antara kursi gue dan pintu keluar. Hahah. Dan kegilaan ini belum akan berakhir dalam waktu singkat. Semoga Tuhan berkenan menolong saya. Hufff hufff.

Mayday

Who's to say you're never wrong
Who's to say that I'm not already gone
Who's to say the time inside your head
Keeps running on and on and on and on

Who's to say we'll make it through
Starting to believe that what we think is never true
And who's to say the rhymes beside your bed
Will keep you warm when everything is getting colder
And I'm just holding on until it's over

Mayday
Somebody save me now
I'm closing my eyes
'Cause once the sun rises
It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands

Who's to say this history
Isn't only just some winter's distant memory
You can't escape this drying ink
The fall of who we are is getting closer
And I'm just holding on until it's over

Mayday
Somebody save me now
I'm cutting all ties
From the world outside
'Cause it's over my head
It's all coming undone
And falling apart somehow
I'm closing my eyes
'Cause once the sun rises
It's out of my hands
Oh it's out of my hands

The light pulls me under
And I keep on caving in

Mayday
Somebody save me now
I'm cutting all ties
From the world outside
'Cause it's over my head
My head
My head
It's all coming undone
And falling apart somehow
And I'm closing my eyes
'Cause once the sun rises
It's out of my hands
Oh it's out of my hands

-Circadian, David Cook-

Bisa Bisa Bisa

Bisa!
Pasti bisa!
Gue cukup pinter
Gue cukup cerdas
Gue ngga bodoh
Gue ngga lamban
Gue cuma beda

Cara gue beda
Waktu gue beda
Hasil gue beda
Pemikiran gue beda

Gue beda karena gue unik
Gue beda karena gue istimewa
Gue beda karena Tuhan sayang gue

Tapi gue ngga bodoh
Gue ngga bodoh
Gue ngga bodoh
Gue bisa selesaikan ini
Gue bisa

Gue pasti bisa!

Carpe diem!!!

Questions

How low can you go?
How deep can you fall?
How much pain can you bear?
How often can you survive?

How high is heaven?
How good is God?
How deep is grace?
How far is help?

I'm not questioning my faith.
I'm just lost.

Janji Pramuka

Demi kehormatanku, aku berjanji ngga bakalan fesbukan sampe minggu depan, 17 Juli 2011.
Demi kehormatanku, aku berjanji bakal sungguh-sungguh ngebenerin otak yang cuma seuprit ini.
Demi kehormatanku, aku berjanji bakal sungguh-sungguh ngerawat badan yang cuma selembar ini.

Kiranya Tuhan menolong aku.

The Road

This road I'm taking
Dusty, windy, misty, cloudy
Nothing can be barely seen
Not even a single step forward
So I just stand still
Streams of water running down my cheeks
Is it raining?
Or is it splash for the fountain nearby?
Is there any fountains nearby?
It couldn't be tears
I know it for sure
Too much of it have been shed
Nothing left now
Nothing

This road I'm taking
May not be dusty, windy, misty, nor cloudy
It could be my head that's been covered
My eyes that have been tightly closed
So I just stand still
Consciously letting the streams of water
Run again, again, again, down my cheeks
Hugging myself, giving it all the love it deserves
Giving it all the respect it deserves
Giving it all the time it needs
To take this road

This road
My road to recovery

M'Aidez!

Now I really think I should have done what they told me months ago: find a professional help. I have always thought friends are better help then any professionals. Now I doubt it. Friends get pissed off with you. Friends get bored with you. Friends get tired with your helplessness. Friends have limits to stand your hysteria. Friends are not there to bear your stupidity. Friends get impatient with your inability to ask questions properly, your incompetence to express yourself correctly. Friends have their own problems which most of the time they will never share with you, for some reasons, or for no reasons. So, professional help it is.

After some googling and some calling, a man got through. He named the price and I had my hundredth heart attack: EIGHTY POUNDS PER HOUR. Oh my, the price that I have to pay just for being my-wicked-helpless-self. I think I will just give it a try. Anyways, the me I know worth a hell lot more than eighty pounds per hour. At least I know I have done EVERYTHING to get through this stage of life. I don't even know the difference between humbled and humiliated now. Just bring it on then, get me some help. Carpe diem.

Fokus!

Fokus!
Fokus!
Fokus sekarang dan bisa liat Geiranger Fjord nanti!

Fokus!
Fokus!
Fokus sekarang dan bisa bengong liatin aurora borealis nanti!

Fokus!
Fokus!
Lupain dulu yang lain!
If something (or someone) is really meant for you, it will still be for you, now or later!

Jadi,
Fokus!
Fokus!
Maju berperang, laskar Kristus!!!

Orhan Pamuk

My mind is really playing tricks on me. I may very well give up everything before ending up killing myself. Oh, okay, it's a hyperbole, I'm not going to kill myself for sure but I really lose sight of the purpose of keep on trying to work hard if I cannot concentrate on any single thing I try to do.

Now, no connection at all with the previous paragraph, let's iterate my beloved Orhan Pamuk quotes.

Tell me then, does love make one a fool or do only fools fall in love? -My Name is Red-

The first thing I learned at school was that some people are idiots; the second thing I learned was that some are even worse. -Istanbul: Memories and the City-

How much can we ever know about the love and pain in another heart? How much can we hope to understand those who have suffered deeper anguish, greater deprivation, and more crushing disappointments than we ourselves have known? -Snow-

It may not happen in the first instant, but within ten minutes of meeting a man, a woman has a clear idea of who he is, or at least who he might be for her, and her heart of hearts has already told her whether or not she's going to fall in love with him.

I am nothing but a corpse now, a body at the bottom of a well. -My Name is Red-

As much as I live I shall not imitate them or hate myself for being different to them. -Snow-

The entire world was like a palace with countless rooms whose doors opened into one another. We were able to pass from one room to the next only by exercising our memories and imaginations, but most of us, in our laziness, rarely exercised these capacities, and forever remained in the same room.

And yes, I read My Name is Red but really forget whether I finished the book or not. Maybe not. Seems like I haven't reached the part where the murderer was concealed. And yes, I really didn't find that love story between Black and Shekure (or whatever her name is) to be appealing at all. But overall, it was an interesting read.. just not my cup of tea. (Mental Note: seems like Snow worth reading)

Tentang Pengendalian Diri

Setelah gue pikir-pikir, taulah yah, dengan daya pikir gue yang ngga seberapa ini, gue menyimpulkan bahwa kelemahan terbesar gue saat ini adalah pengendalian diri. Kalo mau jujur sih, sebenernya gue ngga perlu mikir juga buat sampe di kesimpulan ini, kan adek gue juga udah sering bilang... "Intinya cuma pengendalian diri, kakkkkk,". Huffff. Mungkin ini bakalan jadi pelajaran dan pelatihan seumur idup buat gue, dengan kecepatan belajar gue yang super lelet itu, gue akan -seperti biasa- maju dua langkah, mundur satu langkah, maju dua langkah lagi, mundur satu langkah. Ya semoga aja kaya gitu. Jangan sampe maju satu langkah trus mundur dua langkah... minus dah. Jadiiiii, mari kita analisa satu persatu.

1. Mengendalikan perasaan
Gue gampang banget kebawa perasaan. Misalnya, gue lagi sedih karena sesuatu, bisa-bisanya tuh segala sesuatu di sekitar gue malah jadi ikut-ikutan bikin gue sedih. Contoh soal, gue sedih karena si ganteng pujaan hati gue ngga nyapa gue sama sekali hari ini (penting banget yah), maka bahkan masakan babi rica gue yang biasa-biasa itu aja bakal ikutan bikin gue sedih. Padahal kan biasanya si babi rica itu juga rasanya kaya gitu, orang pake bumbu instan Munik, manalah berubah rasanya. Tapi bisa tuh gue jadi sedih banget karena rasa masakan gue yang seadanya. Lebay emang.

2. Mengendalikan pikiran
Pikiran gue tuh gampang banget lari-lari ke mana-mana. Ke arah yang ngga penting sama sekali, alias susah fokus. Bisa-bisanya gitu yah, gue lagi ngerjain tugas trus tiba-tiba pikiran bilang sama gue, "elo mau mati-matian juga ngerjain itu tugas sebagus-bagusnya, paling-paling tar dapet nilainya sekitar 50-60 doang.. bagus bisa dapet 60, biasanya juga kepala 5 udah gitu kurusssss... mending sekarang fesbukan aja, lebih asik." Padahal yah, apa sih sebenernya pentingnya dan asiknya fesbukan? Huffff.

3. Mengendalikan mood
Ini yang paling susah. Gue tau sih, mustinya mood itu kan berhubungan ama perasaan dan pikiran, tapi seringan gue tiba-tiba ngga mood buat ngapa-ngapain padahal gue sih ngga merasa lagi merasakan apapun yang aga-aga lebay dan pikiran gue terus-terusan bilang sama gue, "Ayo dong, Ndangseeeee mulai kerjaaaa. You're running out of time and you don't have all day to do this simple thing." Tapi tetep aja, gue bakal duduk diam dan bengong dan ngga ngapa-ngapain, Kadang bisa sehari penuh. Oh my.

Dan sekarang gue tiba-tiba males nerusin tulisan gue ini. Halahhhhh. Payah nih gueeee. Mungkin gue sebaiknya mandi dan mulai bekerja. Kerja, kerja, kerjaaaaaa!!!!

Stupid

Love is when he is mean to you and you still want him
It's when he ignores you and you still love him
It's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say, "I'm happy for you,"
when all you want to do is cry

Now, really, whoever wrote those lines is a complete idiot, stupid to the max.
I can't really understand why would people keep wanting someone who is mean to them.
And would not stop wanting that someone either.
I can't really understand.
I can't.
I just can't.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who in the land is fairest of all?

Oh well, all mirrors in the world will agree that it just will never be me. It's okay. I can live with it. I can live with the fact that I'm no beauty, no angel, no golden heart sweetie, a no brainer. I can live with my shortcomings. I don't mind, nothing I can do with them anyways. I try to look tidy, to behave well, to be nice as much as I can, to work as hard as possible, but that's it. No matter what, I'm still no beauty, no angel, and a no brainer. But, it matters when people start making jokes about them when I am in the lowest state of it all. Well, it's just different if a guy I find very very very attractive start saying, "Oh, you are not that attractive," in the middle of our jokes (and my mind will reply: oh yeah, I know you will never look at me in awe like the way you look at those gorgeous girls; and you're so kind to remind me of that).  It's different when a so damn smart friend start teasing, "Only today?" just when I tell how stupid I feel in a particular day. Oh yeah, of course, most of the time I'm so stupid, I know that. Compared to a very smart person? Ah, I look like a complete moron for sure. Well, I am dumb but not without brain at all for not knowing that I am a dumb. At least, that I know. I know it's only a joke, but it's a hard to swallow joke, really, when someone who is better of than me making jokes of my handicap.

Huffff. So, mirror, mirror on the wall, I know you won't tell me that I'm the fairest of all because I'm clearly not, but please please, really no need to remind me of my not so gracious look, of my brainless head, of my unappealing quality...

Hyper Antiklimaks

Semua akan baik-baik saja. Tidak ada yang kebetulan, tidak ada yang percuma, selama semua dilakukan dengan tulus bersama Kristus. Semangat ya, nona kribo, semua pasti akan baik-baik saja. Surga yang menjamin semuanya akan baik-baik saja. Jangan menyerah sekarang, you're almost there...

Super Antiklimaks

Bahkan tak ingin melawan. Bahkan tak ingin berjuang. Bahkan tak peduli bila harus menanggung malu karena menolak maju. Bahkan tak lagi merasa kecewa, tak lagi merasakan apapun dengan penolakan bertubi-tubi ini.

Antiklimaks

Yoeh. Udah antiklimaks dah ini peperangan gue. Kalah perang gitu.. bukannya menang. Gue udah cape jejeritan, udah bosen meradang menerjang. Cuma yah, ini perang musti dikelarin. Biarpun gue udah kalah telak, gue tetep, musti, kudu, kelarin ampe garis finish. Males banget sebenernya mah ah. Tapi berhubung ya, berhubung gue itu katanya mah udah dewasa, jadi kudu bersikap kaya orang dewasa: pura-pura bertanggung jawab, kelarin apa yang udah gue mulai. Pan katanya ngga ada juga yang maksa gue buat memulai ini semua. Blah.

Hehehe.. Jadi yah, semboyan gue sekarang adalah: PANTANG PULANG TANPA BAWA GELAR. heuheu. *puyeng selangit, bosen segunung*

What to Feel?

tired
bored
in love
angry
sad
happy
disappointed
excited
jealous
thrilled
anxious
mad
hate
loathed
peaceful
hopeful
numb
joyful
depressed
enraged
scared
panic
satisfied
confident
lonely
pleased
jealous
jealous
jealous
jealous
jealous
jealous
jealous

i'd rather feel nothing at all

Melepas Genggaman

Lama banget ngga nulis di blog ini, artinya udah lama banget juga gue ngga memikirkan hal-hal yang benar-benar penting dalam hidup. Oke, gue berpikir, tapi selalu tentang kuliah gue yang sebenernya lebih cocok buat rocket scientist itu, atau tentang patah hatinya gue dalam segala aspek hidup. Sampai detik ini, sampai di titik ini, gue terlalu lelah untuk mengeluh lagi, terlalu lelah untuk menangis lagi, terlalu lelah untuk melawan lagi. Pasrah ngga pernah ada dalam kamus gue. Gue bisa aja bilang gue pasrah, tapi selalu,dan selalu, gue akan kembali memikirkan, kembali menyusahkan hati gue. Jadi, gue yakin, inilah waktunya untuk melepas genggaman gue atas hal-hal yang gue anggap penting dalam hidup gue selain iman gue: ilmu, cinta, karir,

Gue ngga mau berakhir jadi orang penuh keputusasaan karena hal-hal yang gue begitu inginkan ngga pernah bisa jadi milik gue. Gue lepas genggaman gue, gue siap menerima gantinya. Jadi inget cerita di jaman Sekolah Minggu dulu. Gue ngga begitu inget detilnya, tapi kira-kira tentang seorang ayah yang minta anaknya memberikan kalung plastik yang sangat disukai anak itu. Anak itu marah sekali karena ayahnya meminta sesuatu yang berharga baginya, tanpa alasan yang jelas pula. Malam harinya, sebelum tidur, akhirnya anak itu meletakkan kalung plastik itu di meja kerja ayahnya, dengan catatan kecil: aku mengasihimu, ayah, lebih dari kalung ini. Paginya, sang anak menemukan kalung berlian di tempat ia biasa menaruh kalung plastiknya. Kira-kira seperti itulah, gue kurang ahli bercerita.

Intinya, untuk mendapat sesuatu yang lebih baik, gue harus bisa melepaskan yang sekarang gue genggam erat-erat. Harapan gue, perasaan gue, kekecewaan gue, kebahagiaan gue, entah gimana tapi gue tau gue harus bisa lepasin. Dan gue tau Tuhan akan berikan yang lebih baik, sesuatu yang ngga bisa gue mengerti dengan keterbatasan pikiran gue.

Jadi, sekali lagi, gue taruh segala yang berharga dalam hidup gue di bawah kaki Yesus. I let them go... I let you, God, take over everything... Ajari gue untuk meletakkan pengharapan gue bukan pada manusia, sesayang apapun gue sama orang itu, seberharga apapun orang itu buat gue. Ajari gue untuk tidak membalas ketika orang lain tidak melakukan yang baik sama gue. Ajari gue untuk selalu meneladani Yesus, menaruh iman dan harap hanya pada Bapa, mengasihi tanpa mengharap balas seperti Kristus.

Amin.

*semoga kewarasan gue kali ini bertahan agak lama :D*

aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhh

turns out that I'm not completely emotionless. so pissed off to find out that there would not be any show AT ALL anywhere on campus or in coventry, warwick, stratford, leamington, or even birmingham worth watching for MY BIRTHDAY.  the only birthday I ever want to spend the night of by watching a cool theatre or a hillarious 3D movie. this is the worst thing about living in the middle of nowhere and having birthday between spring and summer, when all spring shows have ended and summer shows are not there yet. ah yeah. what about birthday anyways. just about getting older. will just go back to my room straight after the exam and sleep for 17 hours then wash my face and run for my lecture in the morning. cool. oh fool. not cool. wish I would be home and being hugged and kissed and prayed for on that day, even if it has always made me feel awkward every year.

ah well. enough ranting about birthdays. spend too much time browsing for those theatres and cinemas. back to lecture notes, my faithful lover.

Emotionless

Ngga pernah terpikir kalo gue bakal sampe ke fase ini, fase tanpa emosi. Gue, dengan temperamen melankolik yang dominan, dengan sifat gue yang makin lama makin ekspresif, yang menurut orang-orang berbahan dasar terlalu perasa dan terlalu negatif, tiba-tiba sampai kepada fase dimana gue tidak merasakan emosi apapun.

Mungkin karena gue ngga mengharapkan apapun lagi dari siapapun, dari manapun, dari apapun. Gue mematikan semua harapan gue atas prilaku orang lain, atas hasil kerja gue, atas sikap orang lain sama gue... Gue hanya bekerja dan bekerja dan bekerja...

Tidak lagi marah, tidak lagi kecewa, tidak lagi sedih, tidak lagi patah hati, tidak lagi kesepian, tidak lagi girang, tidak lagi berbunga-bunga, tidak lagi mengharapkan apapun dari siapapun dalam hal apapun. Hanya ingin bekerja dan bekerja dan segera kembali ke tempat di mana gue disayang dan diinginkan.

Who is Family?

Family is a bunch of people
who will catch you when you fall,
hug you when you're cold,
thrilled with your every success,
pray with you, pray for you in faith,
believe in you even if you fail,
welcome you when you're at your worst,
give their shoulders when you need one,
be grateful when you're joyful,
never hesitate to warn you when you're going astray,

Family is a bunch of people
who will also let you do the same to them

My Chains are Gone

My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Saviour has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

--amazing grace (my chains are gone), chris tomlin--

Rasanya bener-bener seperti baru lepas dari belenggu, setelah semua tugas gue kelar. Entah ya, rasanya bebas merdeka. Walopun gue ngga yakin apa gue bisa dapet nilai cukup untuk lulus. Gue berhenti mengkhawatirkan itu dan terfokus pada fakta bahwa saat ini, detik ini, gue bebas merdeka. Fakta bahwa detik ini, gue bebas untuk tidur cukup, makan enak, tanpa rasa takut yang selama ini merajai hati, pikiran, dan sekujur tubuh gue. Pengalaman pertama dalam hidup gue, mendapati bahwa rasa takut bisa begitu menguasai hidup manusia. Yang artinya, selama ini rasa takut gue akan Tuhan gue belum segitu-gitunya sampe merajai seluruh aspek hidup gue.

Terima kasih, Tuhan, untuk pelajaran hidup ini. Gue tau gue mungkin akan tertatih-tatih melewati semua ini, tapi gue mau tetap percaya, kalo Engkau kasi ini semua artinya ini baik untuk gue, baik untuk hidup gue, baik untuk kekekalan. Badai ujian sebentar lagi datang, tapi gue ngga mau takut lagi. My chains are gone, kan ya...

How do I Love Thee?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
That's what Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote at the beginning of 19th century.
Me? Huh. Won't even bothered to ask how do I love thee. I now for sure how I love thee.
I just don't know why I love thee and keep on loving thee.
Tsk. Should write a real poem on that someday.
Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy.

*sigh*
*back to work*

Sepuluh Jam Lagi

Sepuluh jam sebelum deadline, akhirnya gue mendapat pencerahan. Ooooo ternyata cara ngerjainnya begonoooo. Hohohoho. Ngarti gue sekarang... Ngga susah-susah amat ternyata yee. Eke aja yang kelewatan dungu. Hahaha. Dan dalam keadaan kaya gini, gue punya dua pilihan: mengeluhkan betapa dungunya gue, sampe hal begitu sederhana aja perlu dua hari buat gue bisa ngerti, atau bersyukur dan bersukacita karena akhirnya gue bisa ngerti dan karena Bapa yang baik emang bener-bener nolong... Telah dijanjikan dan telah digenapi. Hehehe. Brain damage gue aga sembuh dikit kayanya malam ini. Mari bekerja lagi. Ganbaru! Tuhan pasti tolong!

Tujuh Jam Saja

Setelah tujuh jam diwarnai semangat, takut, frustasi, telpon sana sini, browsing sana sini, baca sana sini, ulang baca lagi, tarik napas panjang, berusaha makan, bikin teh susu, baca lagi, telpon lagi, pelajari coding-nya, akhirnya gue ngarti juga ini sebenernya tugas gue apaan. Hah. Baru ngarti apa maksud tugasnya gitu. Gimana cari ngerjainnya mah perkara laen, meneketehe deee. 35 jam menjelang deadline. Taelah, menghitung mundur, bossssss...

A Series of Unfortunate Events

A series of unfortunate events indeed. Doh.

Pertama, class test gue yang bikin gue kalang kabut. Diajak belajar bareng, udah ada contoh soal, udah dikasih tau ama temen-temen gimana cara ngerjain itu contoh soal. Gue udah ngerti. Gue udah berusaha inget. Tetep aja pas harinya gue lupa. Doh. Paling banter setengahnya gue bisa kerjain. Bisa, belum tentu bener. Kurang tidur seminggu penuh. Unfortunate event #1.

Kedua, class test lagi. Gue belajar kaya kesetanan. Mati-matian berusaha ngerti. Salah gue sih, ngga nyicil dari tiap hari kuliah, malah asik ngejer ketinggalan gue di programming, akhirnya jadi kedodoran di mana-mana. Tapi gue mati-matian juga berusaha inget, kali ini bener-bener inget, cara ngerjain semua contoh soal. Sialnya, yang keluar adalah soal dari ujian taon lalu yang gue ngga sempet baca. Dan definisi. Entah kenapa, kali ini gue melewatkan definisi. Yo olooooooo ditanya definisi aja ga bisa jawab. Berasa bego sebego-begonya. Bego kumplit. Bego tingkat mahir. Kali ini bahkan gue ngga bisa ngerjain setengahnya. Kurang tidur seminggu penuh, bahkan sampe urat saraf ikutan tegang. Unfortunate event #2.

Ketiga, tugas bikin program gue. Amat sangat beruntung dibantu sebantu-bantunya ama sobat gue yang baik hati. Gue duduk bareng dia berhari-hari dan dia amat sangat bermurah hati, pria berhati malaikatlah. Bisa-bisa kalo gue dilamar detik ini sama dia langsung gue iyain aja dah. Doh. Brain damage beneran. Sialnya, hari terakhir seblon submit, report yang gue tulis dengan susah payah tiba-tiba ilang. Nangis bombay dah gue. Cape, ngantuk, kesel, sampe ga bisa makan dan harus ngerjain lagi. Kurang tidur seminggu penuh. Ga bisa makan beberapa hari. Dan gue pun tumbang. Setumbang-tumbangnya. Badan gue ga sanggup menanggung beban hidup. Gue udah mikir gue bakalan pingsan di lab pas gue ngerjain ulang itu report. Pulang dengan keadaan oleng, sendiri pula. Kesian amat dah nih anak ilang. Unfortunate event #3.

Keempat, tiga hari gue yang berharga terbuang percuma. Yang pertama, karena gue musti ngerjain ulang report gue. Yang dua hari selanjutnya karena gue tumbang, oleng, dan bahkan berdiri dengan tegak dan berjalan di satu garis pun gue ngga bisa. Udah mau pulang aja gue tadinya, gue pikir gue udah bakal lewat. Yo olooooo bakalan lewat gara2 kebanyakan kerja. Ga kebayang dah. Nasib jadi orang dungu... Unfortunate event #4.

Kelima, hari ini, gue submit sepuluh menit seblon deadline. Dan gue baru sadar beberapa menit sebelum submit kalo sepertinya gue milih model yang salah. Panik. Bingung. Ganti model ato biarin aja? Hadoh, kurang dari 20 menit seblon deadline. Gue masih punya tugas lainnya, yang bobotnya lebih besar, yang gue belum mulai sama sekali, yang gue bahkan ga tau mau mulai dari mana. Gue ngga gitu peduli kalo nilai gue dikurangin asal gue bisa ngerjain dengan bener. Masalahnya, gue ngga punya waktu... Gue musti ngerjain yang lain. Akhirnya gue submit apa adanya. Trus iseng gue coba-coba ngerjain pake model yang gue pikir sepertinya bener. Astagaaaaaa. Pengen jejeritan (dan udah beneran jejeritan). Sebenernya bisa gue ganti dalam lima menit. Arrrrrggggghhhhhh. Setelah kerja non stop dalam 18 jam, ga tidur, ngantuk dan cape banget, cuma buat nyadar kalo gue bikin kesalahan fatal. Dasar dodol. Dodoli dodolipret. Unfortunate event #5.

Dan sekarang gue tarik nafas panjang. Life goes on. Leave them behind. Apapun yang terjadi, Tuhan gue yang baik tetep bersama gue. Faktor kesalahan gue banyak banget dalam semua unfortunate events itu, gue tau. Mustinya gue kerja lebih keras sejak awal term. Mustinya gue ngga kebanyakan maen internet dan fesbukan. Mustinya gue lebih fokus ama tujuan gue ada di sini. Noted lah. Mengucap syukurlah dalam segala hal. Makasih, Tuhan, buat keselamatan yang Engkau udah kasih. Beri gue kekuatan untuk ngerjain satu tugas terakhir ini. Mengerjakannya dengan benar, seperti yang Engkau mau. No matter what, I'm gonna love you still. Amen.

When You Feel So Tired but You Can't Sleep

Setelah seminggu terakhir belajar kaya kesetanan, tidur 5 jam sehari dan selain makan, masak, cuci piring, dan mandi, ngga ada aktivitas lain selain melototin continuous time finance for interest rate models. Kerja lebih dari 15 jam sehari dan tidur cuma 5 jam mungkin ngga kedengeran berat buat orang laen. Tapi buat gue, rasanya seperti neraka (well, gue ngga tau sih neraka rasanya kaya apa dan jangan sampe tau lah, tapi yang jelas rasanya setengah mampus banget). Setelah akhirnya class test yang ditunggu-tunggu lewat, badan gue pun rasanya hampir lewat. Rontok serontok-rontoknya. Padahal masih ada 3 tugas yang harus di-submit dalam 2 minggu. Padahal dengan kecepatan kura-kura dan kemampuan otak dungu gue ini, biasanya gw baru bisa kelarin satu tugas dalam satu minggu. Artinya, gue musti udah siap siaga lagi kerja kaya kesetanan.

Gue berencana untuk tidur dengan layak malam ini. Tekad gue sudah bulat, malam ini musti tidur layaknya bangsawan. Haduh, emang kalo bangsawan tidurnya gimana yah, hihi. Pokonya malam ini tidur nikmat senikmat-nikmatnya.

Gue pulang dari skolaan nyaris tengah malam. Kepala udah sakit sesakit-sakitnya karena maksain mikirin itu C++ tercinta dalam keadaan kurang tidur. Tekad bulat gue tambah bulat aja, tidur yang sedap malam ini. Ganti baju, cuci muka, ogah sikat gigi, langsung pake kaos kaki tidur gue yang tebal dan hangat itu, dan ngumpet di bawah duvet. Setengah jam lewat, gue masih melotot. Wajarlah, gue pikir, my body is shutting down. Agak lama kali shutting down-nya, kan udah nge-hang selama seminggu toh. Satu jam, otak gue masih on terus. Facebook-an pake hp biasanya nolong jadi ngantuk. Nguap beberapa kali dan gue langsung tutup mata rapat-rapat. Satu setengah jam, gue masih ngga berdaya, terkapar dengan mata membelalak lebar. Dua jam, gue menyerah.

Dan gue pun bangkit dari kehangatan duvet gue. Gue buka komputer lagi, nyalain software buat ngerjain tugas, dan gue pun kerja lagi. Otak gue, sungguh, ngga sanggup mikir. Gue mau tidur, gue butuh tidur...

Gue pun mengerti, bahkan bisa tidur nyenyak di malam hari adalah suatu anugrah. Kalau suatu hari kelak gue merasa hidup gue begitu morat-marit dan rasanya ngga ada lagi kasih karunia dalam setiap langkah gue, setidaknya kalau gue masih bisa tidur nyenyak pada saat gue harus tidur, itu artinya masih ada anugrah dalam hidup gue.

18 Maret 2011

Jumat di minggu ke 10 term ke-2, minggu terakhir dan hari terakhir di term ini, ditutup dengan class test untuk mata kuliah kesayangan gue, sekaligus mata kuliah di mana gue jadi juaranya... dari belakang. Sekarang jam 9.15 pagi, class test-nya jam 1 siang dan gue udah menggigil ketakutan. Sejak nilai term lalu diumumkan, gue selalu menggigil denger kata exam, atau class test, atau project, atau assignment. Pokonya segala sesuatu yang berhubungan langsung dengan nilai. Untuk class test ini aja, gue udah abisin seminggu terakhir berkutat dengan lecture notes, textbook, contoh soal. Detik-detik terakhir gue pake buat ngapalin jawaban contoh soal.

Ya, ngapalin jawaban contoh soal. Menyedihkan, emang. Seakan-akan otak gue udah terlalu karatan untuk diajak berpikir pas ujian atau tes atau apapun namanya itu. Ini strategi terakhir gue. Term lalu gue belajar kaya kesetanan menjelang final exam dan terlalu gugup pas ujian sampe-sampe gue ngga bisa mikir dan karena gue ga biasa ngapalin, jadilah itu answer book kosong melompong. Okelah. Kali ini gue apal mati setelah gue berusaha ngerti.

Kadang-kadang gue masih ngga percaya kalo gue musti berjuang segininya cuma buat lulus. Ngga terpikir sama sekali buat sampe distinction karena gue bener-bener ngeri gue ngga bakal pernah lulus dan pulang bawa gelar. Apalagi setelah nilai term lalu diumumin, doh.

Dan ternyata, perjuangan terbesar gue bukanlah berusaha untuk lulus itu tadi tapi berusaha menenangkan diri gue dari ketakutan itu dan berusaha meyakinkan diri gue kalo gue berusaha cukup keras, amat keras, amat sangat keras, gue pasti bisa. Sulit, ternyata, buat mencoba, terus gagal, terus nyoba lagi, gagal lagi, tapi terus nyoba lagi walopun gagal dan gagal lagi buat ngerti. Sulit, ternyata, buat berusaha ngerti dan ngga ngerti-ngerti juga lalu setelah berjuang mematikan pride yang berlebihan akhirnya memberanikan diri nanya temen dan terus temen itu natap gue dengan pandangan yang seakan-akan bilang: duile, geblek bener sih lo, kaya beginian aja kaga ngarti, nah trus gue musti terangin dari maneeee? Sulit, ternyata, setelah dibuat merasa kecil seperti itu untuk tetap semangat berusaha lagi, dan bertanya lagi ketika gue membentur tembok lagi (dan bentur temboknya asli sering banget). Sulit, ternyata, untuk tidak merasa tertekan ketika udah ngabisin berjam-jam duduk dan berusaha mengerti dan mengingat tapi tetap ngga sampe ke mana-mana.

Sulit, ternyata, menerima bahwa gue ngga sepinter yang gue kira, atau gue harapkan, atau yang orang-orang kira, atau yang orang-orang harapkan.

Ah, doain gue buat class test gue tar siang ya. Cuma 10% dari nilai akhir padahal, tapi gue ngga mau ambil resiko sampe ngga lulus (lagi). Sekarang gue mau balik ngapalin *doh*.

Tangan Tuhan

Sekali waktu, aku meraung dan menjerit. Aku putus asa dan ingin menyerah. Aku mengharapkan pertolongan dari sahabat terbaikku dan dia memalingkan wajahnya dan menjauh. Aku memandang sekitar dan begitu yakin tak ada yang peduli. Lalu aku menatap ke atas, ke dalam hatiku, ke tempat Allahku bersemayam. Dan aku kembali menjerit, meraung, menangis. Tiba-tiba sebuah tangan terulur. Tangan seorang teman yang tak pernah aku lihat. Tangan seorang yang lebih nampak seperti orang asing, seseorang yang nyaris tak pernah kuajak bicara. Tangan itu menuntunku, memberiku harapan, memberiku semangat, dan menolongku dengan nyata, bukan sekadar kata-kata.

Aku belajar, tangan Tuhan tidak pernah terlalu pendek untuk menolongku. Aku belajar, banyak orang yang dapat dipakai-Nya agar aku tak sampai tergeletak ketika jatuh. Aku belajar, untuk bermurah hati pada orang yang sedang terjatuh. Aku belajar, menyambut tangan persahabatan itu dengan kasih yang tulus. Aku belajar, mengulurkan tangan persahabatan pada orang asing, mungkin suatu kali aku bertemu orang yang sedang meraung dan menjerit dan ingin menyerah.

Terima kasih, Tuhan. Berkati kebaikan hati dari tangan-tangan yang menolongku, menghiburku, menangis bersamaku. Ajari aku mengampuni orang-orang yang kuharapkan menolongku tapi tak melakukannya. Mungkin mereka juga sedang membutuhkan tangan untuk menolong mereka berdiri, berlari, di sudut lain hidup yang aku tak mengerti.

Make me, Lord, a blessing to someone everyday.

My Simple Prayer

Bapa yang baik,
Aku mau belajar. Tolong berkati kerja kerasku. Berikan hikmat agar aku bisa mengerti dengan benar. Berikan ingatan yang tajam, ketenangan ketika aku merasa semuanya begitu sulit, kekuatan ketika aku harus menghabiskan waktu berjam-jam duduk di sini, ketabahan ketika aku harus bekerja lebih keras dari teman-temanku, kerendahan hati untuk meminta bantuan ketika aku tak bisa mengerjakannya sendiri, kemurahan hati untuk membantu teman-temanku yang dalam kesulitan. Mampukan aku untuk bersyukur atas hasilnya kelak. Aku tau, aku percaya, Engkau punya otoritas mutlak atas hidupku. Bagi-Mu segala hormat, kemuliaan, dan kuasa dari selamanya sampai selamanya. Amin.

?

keep asking myself: can I do this? will I ever get to the finish? will I just fail at the end? I am doing everything I can, but it's never enough, never good enough...

 

keep asking myself: how can I keep doing things like this? six months to go, can I do this all the time?

 

keep asking myself: why in the world there must be a broken heart amidst all these pains? why why why... lots on why's, unanswered why's...

"Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart."
--Nicholas Sparks (Three Weeks with My Brother)--

The Treasure and The Sinking Boat

Life is about chasing your own treasure.
Oh good, I wish I was your treasure.

Hadeuhhhhh. Otak berhenti bekerja nih. MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY, this is NDANGSE NDANGSE NDANGSE. MAYDAY, NDANGSE. Position 52.37 Lat, -1.54 Long. My study is on fire and sinking. I require immediate assistance. One people on board, is taking a lifeboat. MAYDAY NDANGSE, OVER.

All wishes should be put behind from now on. At least, for a while. Extremely disturbing, really.

Hadeuh, hadeuhhh... Gimana ini gimana ini gimana ini...

Penghiburan

Kadang-kadang yah, penghiburan datangnya hanya dari senyum manis dan sapa ramah seorang teman. Sore ini gue keluar ruangan kuliah dengan hati mendung. Saking mendungnya, kepala gue sampe sakit. Jalan kaki ke luar gedung bareng seorang teman, lalu melangkah ke flat gue dengan langkah gontai segontai-gontainya. Setengah jalan, seorang teman yang ngga akrab-akrab banget lari-lari kecil di belakang gue, ngejer gue. Tiba-tiba udah ada di samping gue dan nanya, "Apa kabar?" seperti kebiasaan orang-orang di sini yang kalo ketemu orang pasti nyapanya bukan "Hai" atau "Halo" tapi "Apa kabar?". Kita ngobrol-ngobrol bentar tentang betapa susahnya idup sebagai pelajar dengan segunung kerjaan. Entah gimana, abis dadah-dadahan ama tuh temen, kepala gue lebih enteng.

Kadang-kadang yah, penghiburan datangnya hanya dari rasa dipandang ada sama orang di sekitar. Malam ini, gue lagi berkutat dengan laporan tugas gue ketika seorang teman sekelas menelepon dan mengajak ikut serta makan malam bersama besok, bareng beberapa teman lain yang term lalu bersama-sama nyaris ngga tidur berhari-hari ngerjain satu tugas besar. Terharu gitu, ngga nyangka kalau mereka bakal inget gue. Yahhhh gue kan ngga istimewa, paling-paling, gue pikir, mereka kalo ada acara juga ngga bakal inget gue. Gue kan ngga kocak, ngga pinter, ngga cakep-cakep amat, ngga populer.... Mulai deh sindrom inferior gue, huhuhu.

Kadang-kadang yah, di tengah kesepian ini, gue begitu senengnya kalo dianggep ada, dianggep temen, dibutuhin, dipeduliin, dibantuin sama orang-orang asing di sekitar gue. Tuhan emang selalu paling tahu gimana caranya membangunkan semangat berjuang gue. Ya iyalah, namanya juga Tuhan, yah. Seneng banget besok mau makan-makan ama temen sekelas. Hahahaha. Semoga besok benar-benar menyenangkan. Dan semoga mood gue yang terang benderang ini bertahan lama dan ngga terpengaruh sama mendung tebal di luar sana. Terima kasih, Bapa... Engkau memang Bapa gue yang baik dahhhhh.