My Messy Room, My Messy Life

Your room reflects your life. Okay, that's no quote from anyone. I made it up. I did because most of the time it's true for me. If my room is messy, then it means my life is messy. The messier my room is, the messier my life is. The more I hesitate to tidy up my room, then it means the more I hesitate to sort out my life. Sounds weird? Well, then it's me: weird.

Right now, right this second, my room is on the messiest state it has ever been in my whole life, among all rooms I have ever occupied. I have never been a tidy person by nature but I believe that I'm kind of an "organized messy girl" in which I can always find my stuff around my messy surrounding because I have this particular pattern of putting things in that mess. The same with my life, I have never been completely lost no matter what happen. I have always been able to figure it out, found a way out, be the champ.

But right now, right this second, I'm completely lost. It has been that way for a couple of weeks. I mean, I've been lost for a couple of months already but the worst ever ever ever is the last few weeks, as can be clearly described by the state of my room.

I was in the church earlier this morning, singing this song saying "Jesus, you're all my heart live for" and felt like having been struck by thunder. Coming back to my room, I can see that all this weeks (oh yes well, all this months), I, my heart, my mind, my all have been living for my worries. Eventually, now everything is in a mess, just like everything in my room.

When I look at it, trying hard to be honest to myself, I just have to admit that the worst of it all is not the mess I'm making with my dissertation, but the mess I've been living with on my relationship with God. The results have been disastrous: I messed up my academic life; I messed up my relationships with my friends and family; I recklessly let myself fall in love too deeply with a man that I can't help myself out of it; I neglected my own body and mind that I didn't have proper sleep, proper meals, proper quiet time; I ignored my spiritual needs, skipping Sunday service now and then, almost no heartful prayers, minimum Bible readings; I literally had no heart for people and was not able to have genuine compassion for others by most of the time putting myself, my needs, my ego, my feelings, my pride, my everything above all. I messed up every little bits of my life, of myself.

I looked at myself in the mirror this afternoon, barely knowing this woman I was looking at: selfish, insecure, heartless, demotivated, depressed, pessimist, full of inferior syndrome, gloomy. Where is that 22-years-old young woman I used to know, full of life, passionate, ready to conquer the world, crazily in love, so optimistic about everything, with faith unshaken on her God and Saviour, never hesitate to love others, to help others, to pray for others, to forgive others? Where is she? Has ten years of tides of life has beaten her, broken her, conquered her?

As I tidy up my room today, I pray that God help me tidying up my life. The world may have beaten me, broken me, conquered me. But I know, I believe, my God is still bigger than it all. He even created everything from nothing. He can and will create a new me from these ruins of a woman.