This Imbecile Bitch

I really feel like an imbecile bitch for not knowing that Chi Square Distribution has something to do with Normal Distribution. To make it perfect, this imbecile bitch just don't know what exactly the definition of a Mean Square Error is. I have been a moron for a couple of weeks, kept mixing up things and couldn't concentrate with or without passion. I might very well turn out to be an idiot bitch for the rest of this two weeks, dying to enjoy everything I used to love with all my soul.

I am forever grateful that you love me just the same, this imbecile bitch. Full mark or ground zero on those tests, I know you love me just the same. So I won't let you down. As you give me the strength, the wisdom, the willingness, I will work it out with you. And let the glory be all yours.

Silly

So this guy keeps telling me not to be silly. Silly. Silly. Six times. I even counted it. It was the only adjective he ever used to refer to me, and we only knew each other for less than nine weeks, barely spoke to each other on the first two weeks. Silly. So that's what he thinks of me, a silly old girl. I don't like it. I really don't need it. I already feel like a dumb myself and It is the first time someone ever told me not to be silly, over and over again. All I did was just trying to be nice. I never knew nice and silly coincide.

I know he would even make it seven times if he knew I'm writing this.

My mood has changed from bad to worse.

B.R.O.K.E.N

Bone-tired, helplessly bored, hopeless, panic, scared to death, broken-hearted, and confused over everything. I usually try to keep this blog positive, or showing my keen intention to change everything into something positive. But it is hopelessly negative now. I couldn't eat anything, couldn't sleep even for fifteen minutes, unbearably restless, and would burst into tears over anything. Unable to encourage myself, I fall into my knee and look up to you. You promised to never forsake me. So don't. 

Biar Pol Cengengnya Hari Ini...

Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around til' I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved

If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
How I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again, ooh

When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me, yeah yeah
Then finally make me do just what my momma said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance, one final step
One final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
'Cause I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me

I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved?
I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she's dying to dance with my father again

Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream

--dance with my father, songwriter: richard marx & luther vandross--

THANKS (with c.a.p.i.t.a.l letters!)

Dear Lord God,
Thank you for giving me what I need, instead of what I want
Thank you for all difficulties you let me went through, they make me look up to you more
Thank you for this helplessness, it reminds me of the unlimited help that heaven provides for me
Thank you for this loneliness, that I learn to appreciate those who care for me more

Let me be kind, just like they have been so kind to me
Let me be helpful, just like they have been a great help to me
Let me be someone to count on when they are lonely, just like they have always been there for me
Let me try to understand them, just like they (seems) try to understand me
Let me learn to be a good listener, just like they have listened to all my unstoppable rambling

Thank you, Lord, for loving me so much that I may know them in this (unseemly) life.
 
And thank you, Joe and Gio. This one is definitely for both of you. Be blessed!

Sederhana

Duniaku begitu sempit 2 minggu terakhir ini:
cc2/158 (itu kamarku)
Math Institute
WBS (Warwick Business School)
main library
Tesco (supermarket)

Aktivitasku juga begitu sempit:
kuliah
seminar
makan
tidur
ngerjain PR
test
masak
belanja bahan masak
mandi
nyuci baju di launderette
cek surat di post room

Kekhawatiranku juga begitu sempit:
ga bisa ngerjain PR
ga ngerti kuliah
ga lulus ujian

hidup menjadi begitu sederhana.
alangkah senangnya kalau bisa selamanya seperti itu.

tapi seperti bayi yang tidak selamanya hanya bisa menangis,
aku akan keluar dari kesederhanaan ini.
dan mengenang semua kesulitan dan kelelahan ini dengan senyum
dan melangkah sebagai aku yang lebih baik.

Terima kasih, Tuhan.
Aku mengasihi-Mu, sungguh!

Bisa!

bisa!
pasti bisa!
harus bisa!

tutup mata sejenak,
tarik napas dalam-dalam,
dan bilang: bisa, pasti bisa, ngga mungkin ngga bisa...

inget yang Bapak selalu bilang:
kalau Tuhan sudah pimpin sejauh ini
maka Tuhan pasti pimpin sampai selesai
dan kesudahannya pasti sesuatu yang indah dan baik

bisa!
pasti bisa!
bersama Dia pasti bisa!

aku mau cintai kekuranganmu... *jiahhhh*

I Believe It's Better to:

...start giving thanks for little nice things that's happening to me rather than complaining on enormous horrible things that I just can't get rid of

...start being a good friend to somebody rather than sobbing over not having a real friend close by

...start being passionate with the path I have chosen rather than regretting over the ones I have not

...start living one step at a time rather than looking too far forward on those scary-dark-never ending tunnel

...start believing again in a God who never forsake me rather than enraged over some people who just don't know how to be nice

...start working on my Probability and Stochastic Processes problems one at a time rather than worrying how I can get through with only four weeks to go

and finally, start believing again in a God who "gives to His beloved even in his sleep"  but also wants me to "take lessons from the ants"...


--so cheer up a little, gloomy curly, your Lord God loves you so much He's even given His only Son--

If Only There was a Ctrl+Z in Real Life

We have just crossed the street when this old lady wave her hands to us. She talked about birds and bread and how we should share our bread with the birds. Weird. She said she was an Italian and that we should go to Rome and many other things I didn't find relevant to anything. Then she took his hands and my hands and said, "boyfriend," while looking at him and, "girlfriend," looking at me. Then it was the dumbest thing I could ever do, saying, "Noooooo we're friends."

Darn.

I should have said, "I wish so."

--intermezzo--

Semoga Tuhan Berkenan

Aku tak tahu, di mana telah terjadi kesalahan. Aku bahkan tak tahu, apakah memang ada yang salah. Aku hanya mau menguatkan hati, menguatkan tubuh, menguatkan mental. Di mana pun kesalahan itu, bahkan walau memang tak ada yang salah, aku akan tetap melangkah. Aku berjanji tak akan menyalahkan siapa pun, apa pun; aku tak akan menyesali apa pun, tak akan menyesali setiap keputusan, setiap tindakan, setiap langkah, setiap kata. Aku akan memperbaiki kesalahanku, bila ada, dan berjanji akan berusaha sekuat hati dan tenaga untuk tidak mengulangi, namun aku tak akan menyesali apa pun.

Aku akan melangkah dengan kepala tegak. Aku akan berjuang dengan doa, kerja keras, dan air mata. Aku akan merendahkan hati, persis seperti mendiang Bapak tersayang selalu ingatkanku. Aku berjanji akan lakukan yang terbaik yang aku bisa lakukan. Mungkin aku akan gagal, tapi aku tak akan menyerah.

Aku serahkan ketetapanku, pengharapanku, kerja kerasku, keputusasaanku, pada Tuhan yang memiliki kuasa untuk mencipta dari tidak ada menjadi ada. Aku percaya Tuhan bisa menjadikan tidak mungkin menjadi mungkin, ekor menjadi kepala, lemah menjadi kuat, tak memiliki menjadi berkelimpahan. Aku tak akan menyerah; semoga Tuhan berkenan.

Two Years Later

Two years after that rainy day, I still cry a lot. I shed all tears I have always keep for myself -- and for you. Tears of longing, for not being able to talk to you, to listen to you, to hold your hands, to look into your eyes; tears of love, love of a daddy's girl, love of a best friend, love for an idol; tears of regret, for not obeying you more, for not praying with you more, for not praying for you more.

Two years after that tearful day, I still talk of you like you are still around. At times, it just feel like you are still home, waiting for me to come to you, to tell my days to you.

Two years after that painful day, I still do everything for you. I still try to be the best to make you proud of me, proud of having me in your life, even though I always know, everybody knows, how proud you were of me to be just I am.

Two years after that unforgettable day, I still love you. You are still my hero, my inspiration, my best friend. You made me go through it all, survived, and worked my way to be the best I can be: a woman of grace, a woman of mercy, a woman of faith.

I will forever be grateful to be loved the way you loved me. You are the best father any daughters would ever possibly have in the whole universe.

Coventry, two years and 1 hour after we buried his remaining.

Imagine Me without You, Jaci Velasquez

Imagine Me without You, Can You? I Can't...

magine me without you
I'd be lost and so confused
I wouldn't last a day
I'd be afraid without you there to see me through

Imagine me without you
Lord, you know it's just impossible
Because of you
It's all brand new
My life is now worth while
I can't imagine me without you

-Imagine Me without You, Jaci Velasquez-

Probability

Probability zero is of God's decision.
Probability one is God's ultimate right.
For me, as long as it is between zero and one, then I will do whatever
left to be done.
And it is by your power, God Almighty, to make it zero or one.

Belajar Percaya

Aku menatap langit
luas bagai tanpa tepi
kadang biru bersih tanpa noda
kadang putih suram tanpa nada ceria
kadang berseri diseling awan tipis
kadang gelap diberati awan hitam tebal
kadang kelam tanpa bintang
kadang dipijari berjuta kelip mungil
tapi semua ternyata hanya bagian kecil
dari perjalanan alam semesta
dari rencana besar Sang Agung

Aku menatap hidupku
terlihat panjang, entah berujung di mana
kadang bersinar begitu terang
kadang mulus membosankan
kadang berliku tak terpahami
kadang penuh gejolak meresahkan
kadang dihujani air mata
kadang diwarnai kemarahan menggelegak
kadang dipoles bahagia tak ternyana
kadang gelap tanpa harapan
tapi semua ternyata hanya bagian kecil
dari rencana Sang Maha Kasih
dan dari pelajaranku untuk tetap percaya pada-Nya

Pelajaran tanpa akhir
kadang aku lewati dengan baik
lebih sering aku tidak lulus
mengulang lagi kelas yang sama, berulang-ulang
Aku masih belum menyerah
karena Sang Maha Sabar juga belum menyerah
Ajari aku, jangan berhenti mengajariku, untuk percaya

**ku tak akan menyerah pada apapun juga sebelum kucoba semua yang
kubisa, tetapi kuberserah kepada kehendak-Mu, hatiku percaya Tuhan
punya rencana**

my prayer

do you know how it feels
to really want something
to walk all the way just to get to a place
to do everything to reach something
just to find that it feels like it's not something made for you?

do you know how it feels
to really want something
and find that every step you take
just bring you further away?

do you know how it feels
to really want something
and all you can do, at the end, just to get on your knee
as always...?

you are all I got
you are my only hope
so stay with me, please
you know it's gonna be hard for me
it's gonna be tearful for me
so cry with me, will you, dear lord?

A Year after We Buried Him

If I could turn back time, I'd spent more time by his side. I wouldn't go travel around the globe but instead travel more to his place, sit by his side and spend hours and hours talking to him, just like the old days. I wouldn't dream that much but instead enjoy those moments more, the moments I looked into his eyes and walked hand in hand with him.

If I could turn back time, I'd listen to him more. I'd treasure the stories of his youth, the history of the family, the journey of his faith... things he's always loved to talk about.

If I could turn back time, I'd say those magic words more often. I'd tell him of how much he means to me, how much I want to always be his little girl, how much I'm proud of him, how much I love him. I'd tell him that he's the best any daughters can have in the whole universe.

But I can't turn back time. All I can do is to cherish the memory and to love the God he's loved so in his life.

Ah, if only he was here. He'd be thrilled to see his oldest son getting married next week. He'd be proud to find out the kind of woman that man of his own has chosen to be a wife. He'd be smiling all day, knowing that the man who bears his name will pass it on to his future children.

Ah, how I sometimes envy those people, those sons and daughters whose fathers are still around. How much I want to tell them how lucky they are... not that I'm not grateful for those colorful years God blessed me with his presence...

I know I can't turn back time nor can I bring him back. But I still wish he was here.

Aku Menggugat

Aku menggugat Yang Maha Tinggi
untuk mengembalikan mimpi-mimpiku
untuk memulihkan semangat tanpa batasku
untuk membangunkan lagi kepedulianku pada sahabat-sahabatku
untuk membuatku jatuh cinta lagi pada-Nya

Aku menuntut Yang Maha Kasih
untuk menjadikanku puas bahkan dengan yang tak aku miliki
untuk mendinginkan kemarahan yang terlalu sering bergelora
untuk menerbitkan bintang pada malam-malamku yang paling kelam
untuk menari bersamaku walaupun dengan musik yang tak indah di telinga-Nya

Aku memohon pada Yang Maha Besar
untuk membuatku bersinar bagi-Nya
walaupun hanya sebagai bintang yang kecil

-hush, hush, pergilah semua rasa malas...-

My (New) Travel Wish LIst

dari wish list yang gw bikin 2 taon lalu, yang udah berhasil kejalanin adalah:
1. toraja
2. belitung
3. bintan
4. dieng
5. nepal
6. st. petersburg

dan dari wish list yang sama, yang blon bisa gw jalanin adalah:
1. danau matano dan sorowako
2. ujung kulon
3. krakatau
4. cheto
5. mahakam
6. raja ampat
7. paris
8. yerusalem

dari tempat-tempat di wish list tadi yang blon bisa gw jalanin dan ditambah dengan wawasan perjalanan gw yang lumayan bagusan belakangan ini, inilah travel wish list gw yang terbaru:

1. krakatau
2. cheto
3. mahakam
4. flores dan pulo komodo
5. ternate dan tidore
6. kepulauan maluku (semuanya, gw mau semuanya!)
7. raja ampat, lembah baliem, cartensz (ga usah ke puncak, di kakinya aja gw udah puas :D)
8. sampe ke puncak rinjani (aga nyesel juga, kenapa taon lalu cuma sampe pelawangan sembalun... huhuhu)
9. danau sentarum
10. danau toba (hihihi, gw sering banget ngelewatin dano toba kalo pulang ke kampung nyokap, tapi blon pernah sekali pun gw bener-bener dateng ke dano ini...)

yang jauh2:
1. paris dan desa-desa di perancis (walopun bahasa prancis gw udah rusak total. hiks.)
2. yerusalem
3. petra (sekalian ke yerusalem)
4. cappadocia dan nemrut dagi (sekalian ke yerusalem juga)
5. ngliat aurora borealis (di mana pun itu)

mari, mari... siapa pun yang ngga cepet kesel, ngga doyan ngambek, ngga keterlaluan banci kamera, mau susah, tapi juga siap berkompromi dan mau dengan senang hati motoin gw, gw ajak ikut bertualang bareng gw...