t.i.r.e.d.

I feel so tired. Extremely tired. Tired of trying to show a face that everyone wants to see: a face of patience, strength, optimism, self-confidence, broken-heart-proof, grace. Tired of trying hard to really be whatever my face tries to show: to really be a woman of patience, of strength, of grace. It seems that I'm so far far away from it.

 

I really feel so tired after three long days of "interrogations". A friend stayed at my place and she kept on digging on my past, on things I pushed too far behind my memory, on pains I thought has been healed long time ago, on a marriage I have never planned for myself.

 

So why didn't I just say it out loud? Why is it so hard to admit that love just hasn't found me yet? Why does the words didn't come out proclaiming that I will only marry one and only one man in my life and that man will be the love of my life, someone I love so much but always second to my God, someone who loves me with the abundance of God's grace but will always put me second to His God? Am I somehow worried that such a man doesn't exist? Am I somehow scared that the ugly part of me will show up, the part of me that feels that I'm not good enough for something good, contradicting myself to my Christian faith, to everything I believe to be the foundation of life?

 

Oh gosh. I am tired. So tired. Too tired.

Random Thoughts

Setelah ajang curhat-curhatan yang ngga keruan selama hampir setahun, sepertinya blog ini bakal kembali jadi ajang wara wiri otak dan emosi gue yang memang tetap ngga keruan. Sekarang ini lagi ngga ada yang sesuatu banget buat gue tulis. Mungkin besok-besok. Mungkin lima menit lagi. As random as my heart beat kayanya mah. Heuheu.

The Pages

As we travel together through these pages, you may want to consider that you are not what your present negative mood says you are: you are not the stupid, inadequate, hopeless, or unlovable person whom you believe you are right now. You're a human being, no better or no worse than other people you admire. You're as unique and as interesting as they are, equally deserving respect and encouragement. Don't expect to feel convinced of this at the moment. Even your choosing to read this book suggests that somewhere inside you believe that you deserve more. This book will speak to that part of you that wants more out of life, that inner voice that refuses to give in to depression. It may be only a tiny voice at the moment, but my aim in these pages is to strengthen that voice and help you discover a truer, healthier, sense of who you really are: someone who includes and makes room for personal vulnerability, but who never loses sight of his capacity for joy, someone you'd be glad to wake up to each morning.

How can we even aspire to achieve something so important in a short book like this? Let me say this first so neither of us has any illusions: nobody can magically take away depression. I can only join with those who are in this particular pain and help them to discover a strength in themselves to fight it. You will need to struggle and do battle with your inner demons of shame, self-criticism, and self-loathing on which depression feeds. You may be drowning under the weight of all this now and need a solid ally to help you fight your way back.

-Tony Bates-

My Best Friend

my best friend insomnia. faithful, too faithful. lying now on my bed,
almost four in the morning. where are you, sleep? too tired to work,
too tired to do anything. so just lie here, hugging mr. grey bear,
cuddling his curvy head, kissing the tip of his black nose. mandisa is
still singing on the spotify. its better if i think of someone, it
usually helps. but nobody comes to mind who wont make my head
juggling. so i just hug mr. grey bear and tell my brain to shut down
for awhile.

Suddenly

Suddenly realize that I'm literally on my own. Just like when I started it all ten months ago: all on my own. Ah well, I will still make it. I will.

Masih Histeris

Masih histeris
hari ini ketemu si ganteng empat kali
dalam dua jam

Masih histeris
setelah setiap hari selalu ketemu si ganteng
di library tercinta

Masih histeris
berasa GR aja si ganteng sengaja pilih komputer di sebelah gue
padahal di depan sono banyak yang kosong

Masih histeris
sama tawa lebarnya
sama senyum manisnya

Amboi,
histeris terlalu lama tak baik untuk kesehatan
termasuk kesehatan jiwa gue
karena histeris mempengaruhi peluang lulus gue

Tapi amboi,
si ganteng bikin gue selalu semangat
ke library tiap hari

Amboi,
alangkah manisnya
baca paper-paper itu
sambil sesekali mengintip rambut pirangnya

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*tambah histeris*

My Joy

Got a very funny e-mail from my youngest brother this morning. Well, the topic is not funny at all, asking if I were in London nowadays considering that riots in Tottenham. But, the way he delivered his concerns is so cute. And touching. And hilarious. Yea, as usual, that cute little boy that used to bring laughters to our family dinners. Or family watching-TV events. Or any otherwise so ordinary days. That boy has turned out to be a man who still love his sister, in his own peculiar way, in a way that always reminds me of how blessed I am.

Still reread that cute e-mail every two hours, almost memorize every word of it. Oh yea, I need to reply it. Haha.

Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me that Life Could be Like This?

You don't have to be very much in it to realize that there are only a perceptive few who see your pain, but they may well not know what to do or say. The others, sadly often your closest relatives, friends, sometimes even your doctor, will insist that you get a grip on yourself. 'snap out of it' and get on with living.

It is then that your world takes on the ghastly reality of the isolation of it. You know that no other human being can have felt like this because someone would have told you -- warned you that it could be this bad. But the experience cannot be put into words or communicated. You are right that no one else ever felt like this because each is its own unique self. It takes on a life of its own. It has its own root causes peculiar to you.

You ask for help and they stuff you with pills. They won't listen because you need a million hours. You need a million hugs. You need a million words of reassurance.

These you cannot have, for the world is busy with its own life and importance. The reality is that you are what the world might call 'mentally ill'. And that really hurts. It hurts like hell.

People who make out there are simple answers are wrong, and their cliche-ridden talk drives you further into it.

-Sue Atkinson-

Time for Everything

There is a time for everything under heaven. And there is a time to say that enough is enough. And to act accordingly.

The time is now. Enough of it all.

One Day Supplies

My today supplies to accompany me on another lonely adventure at my sanctuary among millions of books and empty desks while listening to Addison Road yelling out "but we are not indestructible" and trying to get a hold on those PDE pricing frameworks:

brand new Ness bag (stripes of pink, blue, yellow, black, green, and purple)
Toshiba laptop and charger and adaptor
750 gigs external hard disk
pen and pencil
bright red purse
earphone
a bottle of apple juice
hot peppermint tea in a flask bottle
Port-Royal Belgian chocolate
Fruit-tella
packs of biscuits
pack of dinner (macaroni schotel and fried rice, yea, not healthy)
leftover of coleslaw
two mobiles
printed papers
bright red hoodie
my conscience

Hufff hufff. Like I'm gonna eat anything; like I'm gonna read anything.
Well, of course I will eat everything. I will read everything.

Marriage vs Ph.D.

Follow Your Dream

X: How did we get here? I mean, do I really care that much about my work?

Y: Maybe you don't. But I know that if you don't follow your dream, you're not going to be happy, even if you're with me.

-PHD comics-

My Messy Room, My Messy Life

Your room reflects your life. Okay, that's no quote from anyone. I made it up. I did because most of the time it's true for me. If my room is messy, then it means my life is messy. The messier my room is, the messier my life is. The more I hesitate to tidy up my room, then it means the more I hesitate to sort out my life. Sounds weird? Well, then it's me: weird.

Right now, right this second, my room is on the messiest state it has ever been in my whole life, among all rooms I have ever occupied. I have never been a tidy person by nature but I believe that I'm kind of an "organized messy girl" in which I can always find my stuff around my messy surrounding because I have this particular pattern of putting things in that mess. The same with my life, I have never been completely lost no matter what happen. I have always been able to figure it out, found a way out, be the champ.

But right now, right this second, I'm completely lost. It has been that way for a couple of weeks. I mean, I've been lost for a couple of months already but the worst ever ever ever is the last few weeks, as can be clearly described by the state of my room.

I was in the church earlier this morning, singing this song saying "Jesus, you're all my heart live for" and felt like having been struck by thunder. Coming back to my room, I can see that all this weeks (oh yes well, all this months), I, my heart, my mind, my all have been living for my worries. Eventually, now everything is in a mess, just like everything in my room.

When I look at it, trying hard to be honest to myself, I just have to admit that the worst of it all is not the mess I'm making with my dissertation, but the mess I've been living with on my relationship with God. The results have been disastrous: I messed up my academic life; I messed up my relationships with my friends and family; I recklessly let myself fall in love too deeply with a man that I can't help myself out of it; I neglected my own body and mind that I didn't have proper sleep, proper meals, proper quiet time; I ignored my spiritual needs, skipping Sunday service now and then, almost no heartful prayers, minimum Bible readings; I literally had no heart for people and was not able to have genuine compassion for others by most of the time putting myself, my needs, my ego, my feelings, my pride, my everything above all. I messed up every little bits of my life, of myself.

I looked at myself in the mirror this afternoon, barely knowing this woman I was looking at: selfish, insecure, heartless, demotivated, depressed, pessimist, full of inferior syndrome, gloomy. Where is that 22-years-old young woman I used to know, full of life, passionate, ready to conquer the world, crazily in love, so optimistic about everything, with faith unshaken on her God and Saviour, never hesitate to love others, to help others, to pray for others, to forgive others? Where is she? Has ten years of tides of life has beaten her, broken her, conquered her?

As I tidy up my room today, I pray that God help me tidying up my life. The world may have beaten me, broken me, conquered me. But I know, I believe, my God is still bigger than it all. He even created everything from nothing. He can and will create a new me from these ruins of a woman.

Aku Mau Tidur!!!

Udah rebahan sejam lebih, masih ngga bisa tidur. Halahhhhhh. Gimana ini mata dan body.... Waktunya kerja, pengen tidur. Waktunya tidur, ngga bisa nyenyak. Sampe pusing saking pengen tidur tapi tetep aja ngga bisa nyenyak. Tulung tulungggggggg. Hufff hufff.

New Motto

Okay. New motto now. If people don't want me, they won't have me for sure. If people do want me, that doesn't necessarily mean they will have me> I'm tired of being second best. Or third best. Or not-even-in-the-list best. Good bye. Carpe diem.

What about Friends

Keep on wondering if I'm becoming too sensitive again, but really hate it when I feel ignored by the people who are supposed to be my "best friends". Well, okay, maybe I'm just too sensitive but these two best friends walked back with me to our flats tonight and they wouldn't give me space to walk on the same row with them. I kept on running to this side, then that side, and this side again because every time they would move with this particular pattern so that I couldn't walk on the same row. I always ended up walking behind them. Like a servant. Like a beggar.

Well, talking about beggars, I start to feel like I have been begging to be considered as their friends all this time. They prefer to be on their own, or at least one of them prefers to be without me among them. I'm just too stubborn not to be considered as a part of them. Or too stupid. Or too lonely. Or too hopeless.

WTH then. If they don't want me, they won't have me. They can't choose to have me sometime and not having me the other times. Enough of these running to this side and that side and this side and that side every time. Enough of being nice friends only during lunches and dinners. So they don't want me, then they won't have me. They can be on their own, choose the friends they like. I'm fine.

Yea, maybe I'm just being too sensitive. So what?

Renaissance!

Jadwal besok:
06.00: bangun, jogging
07.00: sarapan, mandi, doa pagi
08.30: kelarin draft surat
09.00: masak nasi buat siang, jalan ke library
12.00: jalan balik, makan siang
13.30: balik ke library
18.00: jalan balik, makan malem
19.30: balik ke library
10.30: balik, mandi, doa malem
12.00: tidorrrr

Tips dari teman-teman tersayang:
1. terima kenyataan, semua udah kejadian
2. maju!
3. taat, semua masih dalam rencana Tuhan
4. Tuhan sayang gue, Tuhan sayang gue, Tuhan sayang gue.

Ayo, laskar pemenang!!!

My Promises

I promise
not to let myself be broken
no matter how dark the road is
no matter how tough the climb is
no matter how vast the ocean is

I promise
not to let myself be bitter
no matter how sad I am
no matter how disappointed I am
no matter how angry I am

I promise
not to let myself stop loving
no matter how many times I am rejected
no matter how painful it can be
no matter how stupid it seems

And I promise
to keep on having faith
in myself
in people that God put around me
in my Saviour and Redeemer

So help me, God.

My Current Starred Playlist

Did I tell anybody that now I'm using Spotify? Unlimited, it is, for a couple quids every month. I can make my own playlist from millions of songs available online, or no playlist and just pick an album or an artist in random. I can star anything I want and it will make its own "starred playlist". Cool isn't it? Haha. Just something else to play around when I can't focus on this reading (which is most of the time). In no particular order, this is my current starred playlist and some parts of the lyrics that keep humming in my head:

1. Chasing Pavements, Adele, 19
*should I give up or should I just keep on chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere*

2. The Last Goodbye, David Cook, This Loud Morning
*but wherever we are we're miles apart... this is the last goodbye*

3. We believe, David Cook, This Loud Morning
*we believe that tomorrow carries something new  and after everything we've been going through, we believe*

4. Circadian, David Cook, This Loud Morning
*mayday, somebody save me now, I'm cutting all ties from the world outside*

5. Somewhere in Brooklyn, Bruno Mars, Doo-Wops & Hooligans
*I wonder will we ever meet again, I wonder if we ever meet again*

6. Talking to the Moon, Bruno Mars, Doo-Wops & Hooligans
*talking to the moon, try to get to you, and hope you on the other side talking to me too*

7. Marry You, Bruno Mars, Doo-Wops & Hooligans
*it's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do, hey baby I think I'm gonna marry you*

8. Just the Way You are, Bruno Mars, Doo-Wops & Hooligans
*when I see your face, there's not a thing I would change 'cause you're amazing the way you are*

9. The Lazy Song, Bruno Mars, Doo-Wops & Hooligans
*today I don't feel like doing anything, I just wanna lay in my bed*

10. I Do, Colbie Caillat, All of You
*you make me wanna say I do I do I do I do I do I do love you*

11. Brighter than the Sun, Colbie Caillat, All of You
*this is how it starts, lighting strikes the heart, it goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
we could be the stars, falling from the sky, shining how we want, brighter than the sun*

12. Lookin' for a Good Time, Lady Antebellum, Lady Antebellum
*complicated situation only get worse in the morning light... hey I'm just looking for a good time*

13. I was Here, Lady Antebellum, I was Here
*I wanna do something that matters, say something different,
something that sets the whole world on its ears... touch a few hearts in this life*

14. Just a Kiss, Lady Antebellum, Just a Kiss
*just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight, just a touch in the fire burning so bright
I don't wanna mess this thing up, I don't wanna push too far*

15. Learning to Fly, Jason Castro, Changing Colors
*I'm learning to fly but I ain't get wings, coming down is the hardest thing*

16. Undiscovered, James Morrison, Undiscovered
*I'm not lost, I'm not lost, just undiscovered*

17. Broken Strings, James Morrison & Nelly Furtado, Songs for You, Truths for Me
*I tried to hold on but it hurts too much, I tried to forgive but it's not enough to make it's all okay*

18. See You, Josh Wilson, See You
*but on the darkest days I won't let go, it will still be well within my soul, even when the answers don't come easily*

19. Never Alone, Lady Antebellum, Never Alone
*this isn't good bye, my love will follow you, stay with you, baby you're never alone*

20. Blessings, Laura Story, Blessings
*what if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy*

21. Right in Front of Me, Josh Wilson, Life is not a Snapshot
*maybe this is what it means to question you and still believe,
to search and still be satisfied, to know and yet to wonder why,
to put my faith in things I doubt, to love what I can't figure out*

22. Shine on Us, Josh Wilson, See You
*but finding peace is way too hard when you're looking in the dark*

Kamar Gue Hari Ini

Gini nih kalo mau ngoceh tapi ngga ada pemirsa yang bisa disuru dengerin ocehan gue. Para pria lagi di WBS, kerjain disertasi. Para wanita lagi di library, kerjain disertasi. Tetanggal-tetangga ngga ada yang nongol di dapur, sepertinya sih lagi di kamar masing-masing ngerjain disertasi. Ya iyalah, secara kan ini lagi musim disertasi. Gue aja yang gatel pengen ngoceh. Masalahnya, udah ngga ada pendengar setia, topiknya pun emang ngga ada yang menarik.

Jadi ya udahlah, gue ngoceh aja tentang kaya apa kamar gue hari ini. Kalo mau versi pendek, udah kaya kapal abis kena angin topan sehari semalam. Versi panjangnya kaya gini. Di kasur, ada duvet dan bantal yang bergulung-gulung ngga keruan. Jelas aja, bangun tidur cuma gue lempar doang sesuka hati. di pojok deket bantal, ada Charlie Bear dan boneka cantik gue. Si cantik terbaring telentang sementara si beruang tengkurep dengan muka yang jauh-jauh dari si cantik, seakan lagi ngga mood liat rambut berantakan boneka gue itu. Di pojok sini ada kaos kaki tidur gue, kelipet-lipet ngga keruan. Ada juga tempat kamera gue, terbaring pasrah. Di meja dekt ranjang, ada berupa-rupa barang: segala charger, bando, kunci, gunting, pelembab, bedak, lipstick, lip lgoss, jepit rambut, Frommer's Scandinavia, buku resep marinade, sisir, dan sesenti debu. Haha.

Di meja kerja (taelah, meja kerja, kaya banyak aja gue kerja, huhu), ada laptop gue (tentunya). Di balik laptop ada setumpuk struk belanja yang ngga gue buang karena entah apa (mungkin karena gue belanjanya pake kartu debet jadi berasa mungkin tar-tar bakal butuh lagi ntu struk-struk sejibun) dan kotak hand blender. Trus ada lampu meja, dompet, gelas, botol minum, cangkir kertas kopi Costa, sunglasses, handphone, piring kecil dengan sekerat pizza (frozen, udah dioven) sisa sarapan tadi pagi, kotak tissue, telepon meja, kotak kue yang isinya dua biji cupcake yang dikasi temen gue dua bulan lalu (hah, untung emang bukan cake seger tuh), bolpen, pensil, penghapus, setumpuk keras di pojok sana, satu buku Horrid Henry dan Probability with Martingales dan akhirnya jreng jreng jreng ordner isi bahan bacaan gue hari ini.

Di lantai, di atas karpet maksudnya, ini dia yang paling heboh. Haha. Oke, gue mulai dari pojok deket jendela dan terus bergerak sampe pojok deket pintu, Ada tong sampah item kecil jelek, kantong kertas isi plastik-plastik ngga jelas yang disimpen karena suka butuh buat tempat-tempat yang sama ngga jelasnya, kertas-kertas bekas buat coret-coret curhat bahan revision gue, dua biji ordner yang abis gue bolak balik minggu lalu, satu dua tiga empat lima enam tas. Duileh, buat apa ada enam tas di lantai yah: satu tas jalan gue, satu tas yang kemaren dipake ngadep Opa Tony nanya-nanya Time Series, satu tas selempang kulit, satu tas ransel, satu tas belanja buat ke Tesco, satu tas piknik yang kemaren abis dibawa jalan ama anak-anak. Hufff hufff. Oh, ada satu lagi tas Clarks yang di dalemnya ada tas beneran Clarks. Dow. Maksud gue, itu tas memang adalah tas buat menyimpan tas. Bingung kan. Trus lagi, ada empat wadah makanan sisa piknik kemaren, satu botol minum, empat kantong belanja: dua kantong Primark punya temen gue (dia nitip doang), dua kantong Next: satu hasil belanja gue, satunya emang tempat tas piknik pas abis dikasi ama temen gue yang laen lagi. Eh, masi ada tiga kantong belanja lagi deng. Satu kantong Gap hasil berburu kapan tau dan kantong Monsoon isi baju dan sepatu buat ponakan gue dan satu kantong Pattiserie Francais yang isinya cake awetan sisa kemaren piknik. Trus ada sendal kamar gue dan sepatu-sepatu yang belum gue balikin dengan rapi ke kardus masing-masing. Dan satu lagi, koper gede gue yang di ats nya nangkring dengan manis dua biji cardigan dan bantal kursi gue, ada pula jigsaw puzzle yang udah kelar dikerjain dan gulungan yang blon kelar dikerjain, dan satu kardus isi kertas-kertas yang mau gue buang tapi blon sempet buang. Gitu deh.

Singkat kata, ngga ada space di lantai gue kecuali selebar dua puluh senti antara kursi gue dan pintu keluar. Hahah. Dan kegilaan ini belum akan berakhir dalam waktu singkat. Semoga Tuhan berkenan menolong saya. Hufff hufff.