I Want to Talk, Desperately Want to Utter Words

Today, I have only said these words:

 

Thank you - getting of the bus near church

Ten meatballs and chips, please - ordering food at Ikea

Yes, please - answering the question, "berry and gravy?"

Thank you - paying for my meal

Thank you - paying for my scarf at primark

Thank you - getting off my bus near university house

Medium hazelnut latte, please - ordering my coffee at Costa

Thank you - paying for my coffee

 

Twenty one words in total. What a quite world. What a lonely planet.

Beauty

She was such a beauty. I was sitting on the floor near Gate D7, waiting for the queue to the security check of the gate to be a bit shorter. Well, I was too tired and too sleepy to just stand there. I don't mind being the last to board the plane, I got my favourite seat booked anyway. And she was standing there on the queue, perfect slim body with great legs and just a perfect height, blonde and perfectly done hair, perfect make up, awesome boots, nice fitted white jeans, pretty loose blouse gracefully fell to one side of her shoulders. Her face shows a bit of arrogance, quite aristocratic trace, I will say. Something that will scare you enough and amuse you at the same time. She was such a beauty, even the way she tilted her head to one side. Damn. How come there is such a beauty. I can't help being jealous.  

 

She was such a beauty. I was hurrying down the corridor to reach the passport control as soon as possible. I wasn't paying much attention to anything. What could be special anyway? Just a regular flow of passengers on the late night flights. And she was there, walking with a middle aged and limped woman, helping her carrying her big bag all the way down the long corridor. The beauty hold one strap, the limped woman hold the other one. The limped woman keep thanking her for helping her with this big bag without trolley and she just smiled beautifully. She was such a beauty.

 

And I looked away in shame. My eyes got watery. Would I have done the same thing? Would I have offered help to that limped woman or would I just pretend that I didn't see because it was all her fault for carrying a big bag without a trolley to the cabin? Would I have shown compassion? I, after all, who has received grace, who has known that unconditional love given to me while I was unworthy of it? I, among others, who has been showered with compassion all my life without even once deserve it? Would I have acted like one who knows how to love after being loved so much? Would I have put my Christian teachings of faith, hope, and love into practice instead of judging people all the time and being so self-centred all the time?  

 

My face may not shine with beauty that will turn people's eyes on me. Well, it is definitely not. But I have a heart that's been washed in Christ's blood and it definitely is capable of shining with beauty. My heart can shine with the beauty of unconditional love that has been showered unto me abundantly. My heart may turn people's heart to the Christ. So would I?

t.i.r.e.d.

I feel so tired. Extremely tired. Tired of trying to show a face that everyone wants to see: a face of patience, strength, optimism, self-confidence, broken-heart-proof, grace. Tired of trying hard to really be whatever my face tries to show: to really be a woman of patience, of strength, of grace. It seems that I'm so far far away from it.

 

I really feel so tired after three long days of "interrogations". A friend stayed at my place and she kept on digging on my past, on things I pushed too far behind my memory, on pains I thought has been healed long time ago, on a marriage I have never planned for myself.

 

So why didn't I just say it out loud? Why is it so hard to admit that love just hasn't found me yet? Why does the words didn't come out proclaiming that I will only marry one and only one man in my life and that man will be the love of my life, someone I love so much but always second to my God, someone who loves me with the abundance of God's grace but will always put me second to His God? Am I somehow worried that such a man doesn't exist? Am I somehow scared that the ugly part of me will show up, the part of me that feels that I'm not good enough for something good, contradicting myself to my Christian faith, to everything I believe to be the foundation of life?

 

Oh gosh. I am tired. So tired. Too tired.

Random Thoughts

Setelah ajang curhat-curhatan yang ngga keruan selama hampir setahun, sepertinya blog ini bakal kembali jadi ajang wara wiri otak dan emosi gue yang memang tetap ngga keruan. Sekarang ini lagi ngga ada yang sesuatu banget buat gue tulis. Mungkin besok-besok. Mungkin lima menit lagi. As random as my heart beat kayanya mah. Heuheu.

The Pages

As we travel together through these pages, you may want to consider that you are not what your present negative mood says you are: you are not the stupid, inadequate, hopeless, or unlovable person whom you believe you are right now. You're a human being, no better or no worse than other people you admire. You're as unique and as interesting as they are, equally deserving respect and encouragement. Don't expect to feel convinced of this at the moment. Even your choosing to read this book suggests that somewhere inside you believe that you deserve more. This book will speak to that part of you that wants more out of life, that inner voice that refuses to give in to depression. It may be only a tiny voice at the moment, but my aim in these pages is to strengthen that voice and help you discover a truer, healthier, sense of who you really are: someone who includes and makes room for personal vulnerability, but who never loses sight of his capacity for joy, someone you'd be glad to wake up to each morning.

How can we even aspire to achieve something so important in a short book like this? Let me say this first so neither of us has any illusions: nobody can magically take away depression. I can only join with those who are in this particular pain and help them to discover a strength in themselves to fight it. You will need to struggle and do battle with your inner demons of shame, self-criticism, and self-loathing on which depression feeds. You may be drowning under the weight of all this now and need a solid ally to help you fight your way back.

-Tony Bates-

My Best Friend

my best friend insomnia. faithful, too faithful. lying now on my bed,
almost four in the morning. where are you, sleep? too tired to work,
too tired to do anything. so just lie here, hugging mr. grey bear,
cuddling his curvy head, kissing the tip of his black nose. mandisa is
still singing on the spotify. its better if i think of someone, it
usually helps. but nobody comes to mind who wont make my head
juggling. so i just hug mr. grey bear and tell my brain to shut down
for awhile.

Suddenly

Suddenly realize that I'm literally on my own. Just like when I started it all ten months ago: all on my own. Ah well, I will still make it. I will.

Masih Histeris

Masih histeris
hari ini ketemu si ganteng empat kali
dalam dua jam

Masih histeris
setelah setiap hari selalu ketemu si ganteng
di library tercinta

Masih histeris
berasa GR aja si ganteng sengaja pilih komputer di sebelah gue
padahal di depan sono banyak yang kosong

Masih histeris
sama tawa lebarnya
sama senyum manisnya

Amboi,
histeris terlalu lama tak baik untuk kesehatan
termasuk kesehatan jiwa gue
karena histeris mempengaruhi peluang lulus gue

Tapi amboi,
si ganteng bikin gue selalu semangat
ke library tiap hari

Amboi,
alangkah manisnya
baca paper-paper itu
sambil sesekali mengintip rambut pirangnya

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*tambah histeris*

My Joy

Got a very funny e-mail from my youngest brother this morning. Well, the topic is not funny at all, asking if I were in London nowadays considering that riots in Tottenham. But, the way he delivered his concerns is so cute. And touching. And hilarious. Yea, as usual, that cute little boy that used to bring laughters to our family dinners. Or family watching-TV events. Or any otherwise so ordinary days. That boy has turned out to be a man who still love his sister, in his own peculiar way, in a way that always reminds me of how blessed I am.

Still reread that cute e-mail every two hours, almost memorize every word of it. Oh yea, I need to reply it. Haha.

Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me that Life Could be Like This?

You don't have to be very much in it to realize that there are only a perceptive few who see your pain, but they may well not know what to do or say. The others, sadly often your closest relatives, friends, sometimes even your doctor, will insist that you get a grip on yourself. 'snap out of it' and get on with living.

It is then that your world takes on the ghastly reality of the isolation of it. You know that no other human being can have felt like this because someone would have told you -- warned you that it could be this bad. But the experience cannot be put into words or communicated. You are right that no one else ever felt like this because each is its own unique self. It takes on a life of its own. It has its own root causes peculiar to you.

You ask for help and they stuff you with pills. They won't listen because you need a million hours. You need a million hugs. You need a million words of reassurance.

These you cannot have, for the world is busy with its own life and importance. The reality is that you are what the world might call 'mentally ill'. And that really hurts. It hurts like hell.

People who make out there are simple answers are wrong, and their cliche-ridden talk drives you further into it.

-Sue Atkinson-

Time for Everything

There is a time for everything under heaven. And there is a time to say that enough is enough. And to act accordingly.

The time is now. Enough of it all.

One Day Supplies

My today supplies to accompany me on another lonely adventure at my sanctuary among millions of books and empty desks while listening to Addison Road yelling out "but we are not indestructible" and trying to get a hold on those PDE pricing frameworks:

brand new Ness bag (stripes of pink, blue, yellow, black, green, and purple)
Toshiba laptop and charger and adaptor
750 gigs external hard disk
pen and pencil
bright red purse
earphone
a bottle of apple juice
hot peppermint tea in a flask bottle
Port-Royal Belgian chocolate
Fruit-tella
packs of biscuits
pack of dinner (macaroni schotel and fried rice, yea, not healthy)
leftover of coleslaw
two mobiles
printed papers
bright red hoodie
my conscience

Hufff hufff. Like I'm gonna eat anything; like I'm gonna read anything.
Well, of course I will eat everything. I will read everything.

Marriage vs Ph.D.

Follow Your Dream

X: How did we get here? I mean, do I really care that much about my work?

Y: Maybe you don't. But I know that if you don't follow your dream, you're not going to be happy, even if you're with me.

-PHD comics-

My Messy Room, My Messy Life

Your room reflects your life. Okay, that's no quote from anyone. I made it up. I did because most of the time it's true for me. If my room is messy, then it means my life is messy. The messier my room is, the messier my life is. The more I hesitate to tidy up my room, then it means the more I hesitate to sort out my life. Sounds weird? Well, then it's me: weird.

Right now, right this second, my room is on the messiest state it has ever been in my whole life, among all rooms I have ever occupied. I have never been a tidy person by nature but I believe that I'm kind of an "organized messy girl" in which I can always find my stuff around my messy surrounding because I have this particular pattern of putting things in that mess. The same with my life, I have never been completely lost no matter what happen. I have always been able to figure it out, found a way out, be the champ.

But right now, right this second, I'm completely lost. It has been that way for a couple of weeks. I mean, I've been lost for a couple of months already but the worst ever ever ever is the last few weeks, as can be clearly described by the state of my room.

I was in the church earlier this morning, singing this song saying "Jesus, you're all my heart live for" and felt like having been struck by thunder. Coming back to my room, I can see that all this weeks (oh yes well, all this months), I, my heart, my mind, my all have been living for my worries. Eventually, now everything is in a mess, just like everything in my room.

When I look at it, trying hard to be honest to myself, I just have to admit that the worst of it all is not the mess I'm making with my dissertation, but the mess I've been living with on my relationship with God. The results have been disastrous: I messed up my academic life; I messed up my relationships with my friends and family; I recklessly let myself fall in love too deeply with a man that I can't help myself out of it; I neglected my own body and mind that I didn't have proper sleep, proper meals, proper quiet time; I ignored my spiritual needs, skipping Sunday service now and then, almost no heartful prayers, minimum Bible readings; I literally had no heart for people and was not able to have genuine compassion for others by most of the time putting myself, my needs, my ego, my feelings, my pride, my everything above all. I messed up every little bits of my life, of myself.

I looked at myself in the mirror this afternoon, barely knowing this woman I was looking at: selfish, insecure, heartless, demotivated, depressed, pessimist, full of inferior syndrome, gloomy. Where is that 22-years-old young woman I used to know, full of life, passionate, ready to conquer the world, crazily in love, so optimistic about everything, with faith unshaken on her God and Saviour, never hesitate to love others, to help others, to pray for others, to forgive others? Where is she? Has ten years of tides of life has beaten her, broken her, conquered her?

As I tidy up my room today, I pray that God help me tidying up my life. The world may have beaten me, broken me, conquered me. But I know, I believe, my God is still bigger than it all. He even created everything from nothing. He can and will create a new me from these ruins of a woman.

Aku Mau Tidur!!!

Udah rebahan sejam lebih, masih ngga bisa tidur. Halahhhhhh. Gimana ini mata dan body.... Waktunya kerja, pengen tidur. Waktunya tidur, ngga bisa nyenyak. Sampe pusing saking pengen tidur tapi tetep aja ngga bisa nyenyak. Tulung tulungggggggg. Hufff hufff.

New Motto

Okay. New motto now. If people don't want me, they won't have me for sure. If people do want me, that doesn't necessarily mean they will have me> I'm tired of being second best. Or third best. Or not-even-in-the-list best. Good bye. Carpe diem.

What about Friends

Keep on wondering if I'm becoming too sensitive again, but really hate it when I feel ignored by the people who are supposed to be my "best friends". Well, okay, maybe I'm just too sensitive but these two best friends walked back with me to our flats tonight and they wouldn't give me space to walk on the same row with them. I kept on running to this side, then that side, and this side again because every time they would move with this particular pattern so that I couldn't walk on the same row. I always ended up walking behind them. Like a servant. Like a beggar.

Well, talking about beggars, I start to feel like I have been begging to be considered as their friends all this time. They prefer to be on their own, or at least one of them prefers to be without me among them. I'm just too stubborn not to be considered as a part of them. Or too stupid. Or too lonely. Or too hopeless.

WTH then. If they don't want me, they won't have me. They can't choose to have me sometime and not having me the other times. Enough of these running to this side and that side and this side and that side every time. Enough of being nice friends only during lunches and dinners. So they don't want me, then they won't have me. They can be on their own, choose the friends they like. I'm fine.

Yea, maybe I'm just being too sensitive. So what?

Renaissance!

Jadwal besok:
06.00: bangun, jogging
07.00: sarapan, mandi, doa pagi
08.30: kelarin draft surat
09.00: masak nasi buat siang, jalan ke library
12.00: jalan balik, makan siang
13.30: balik ke library
18.00: jalan balik, makan malem
19.30: balik ke library
10.30: balik, mandi, doa malem
12.00: tidorrrr

Tips dari teman-teman tersayang:
1. terima kenyataan, semua udah kejadian
2. maju!
3. taat, semua masih dalam rencana Tuhan
4. Tuhan sayang gue, Tuhan sayang gue, Tuhan sayang gue.

Ayo, laskar pemenang!!!

My Promises

I promise
not to let myself be broken
no matter how dark the road is
no matter how tough the climb is
no matter how vast the ocean is

I promise
not to let myself be bitter
no matter how sad I am
no matter how disappointed I am
no matter how angry I am

I promise
not to let myself stop loving
no matter how many times I am rejected
no matter how painful it can be
no matter how stupid it seems

And I promise
to keep on having faith
in myself
in people that God put around me
in my Saviour and Redeemer

So help me, God.