Janji Pramuka

Demi kehormatanku, aku berjanji ngga bakalan fesbukan sampe minggu depan, 17 Juli 2011.
Demi kehormatanku, aku berjanji bakal sungguh-sungguh ngebenerin otak yang cuma seuprit ini.
Demi kehormatanku, aku berjanji bakal sungguh-sungguh ngerawat badan yang cuma selembar ini.

Kiranya Tuhan menolong aku.

The Road

This road I'm taking
Dusty, windy, misty, cloudy
Nothing can be barely seen
Not even a single step forward
So I just stand still
Streams of water running down my cheeks
Is it raining?
Or is it splash for the fountain nearby?
Is there any fountains nearby?
It couldn't be tears
I know it for sure
Too much of it have been shed
Nothing left now
Nothing

This road I'm taking
May not be dusty, windy, misty, nor cloudy
It could be my head that's been covered
My eyes that have been tightly closed
So I just stand still
Consciously letting the streams of water
Run again, again, again, down my cheeks
Hugging myself, giving it all the love it deserves
Giving it all the respect it deserves
Giving it all the time it needs
To take this road

This road
My road to recovery

M'Aidez!

Now I really think I should have done what they told me months ago: find a professional help. I have always thought friends are better help then any professionals. Now I doubt it. Friends get pissed off with you. Friends get bored with you. Friends get tired with your helplessness. Friends have limits to stand your hysteria. Friends are not there to bear your stupidity. Friends get impatient with your inability to ask questions properly, your incompetence to express yourself correctly. Friends have their own problems which most of the time they will never share with you, for some reasons, or for no reasons. So, professional help it is.

After some googling and some calling, a man got through. He named the price and I had my hundredth heart attack: EIGHTY POUNDS PER HOUR. Oh my, the price that I have to pay just for being my-wicked-helpless-self. I think I will just give it a try. Anyways, the me I know worth a hell lot more than eighty pounds per hour. At least I know I have done EVERYTHING to get through this stage of life. I don't even know the difference between humbled and humiliated now. Just bring it on then, get me some help. Carpe diem.

Fokus!

Fokus!
Fokus!
Fokus sekarang dan bisa liat Geiranger Fjord nanti!

Fokus!
Fokus!
Fokus sekarang dan bisa bengong liatin aurora borealis nanti!

Fokus!
Fokus!
Lupain dulu yang lain!
If something (or someone) is really meant for you, it will still be for you, now or later!

Jadi,
Fokus!
Fokus!
Maju berperang, laskar Kristus!!!

Orhan Pamuk

My mind is really playing tricks on me. I may very well give up everything before ending up killing myself. Oh, okay, it's a hyperbole, I'm not going to kill myself for sure but I really lose sight of the purpose of keep on trying to work hard if I cannot concentrate on any single thing I try to do.

Now, no connection at all with the previous paragraph, let's iterate my beloved Orhan Pamuk quotes.

Tell me then, does love make one a fool or do only fools fall in love? -My Name is Red-

The first thing I learned at school was that some people are idiots; the second thing I learned was that some are even worse. -Istanbul: Memories and the City-

How much can we ever know about the love and pain in another heart? How much can we hope to understand those who have suffered deeper anguish, greater deprivation, and more crushing disappointments than we ourselves have known? -Snow-

It may not happen in the first instant, but within ten minutes of meeting a man, a woman has a clear idea of who he is, or at least who he might be for her, and her heart of hearts has already told her whether or not she's going to fall in love with him.

I am nothing but a corpse now, a body at the bottom of a well. -My Name is Red-

As much as I live I shall not imitate them or hate myself for being different to them. -Snow-

The entire world was like a palace with countless rooms whose doors opened into one another. We were able to pass from one room to the next only by exercising our memories and imaginations, but most of us, in our laziness, rarely exercised these capacities, and forever remained in the same room.

And yes, I read My Name is Red but really forget whether I finished the book or not. Maybe not. Seems like I haven't reached the part where the murderer was concealed. And yes, I really didn't find that love story between Black and Shekure (or whatever her name is) to be appealing at all. But overall, it was an interesting read.. just not my cup of tea. (Mental Note: seems like Snow worth reading)

Tentang Pengendalian Diri

Setelah gue pikir-pikir, taulah yah, dengan daya pikir gue yang ngga seberapa ini, gue menyimpulkan bahwa kelemahan terbesar gue saat ini adalah pengendalian diri. Kalo mau jujur sih, sebenernya gue ngga perlu mikir juga buat sampe di kesimpulan ini, kan adek gue juga udah sering bilang... "Intinya cuma pengendalian diri, kakkkkk,". Huffff. Mungkin ini bakalan jadi pelajaran dan pelatihan seumur idup buat gue, dengan kecepatan belajar gue yang super lelet itu, gue akan -seperti biasa- maju dua langkah, mundur satu langkah, maju dua langkah lagi, mundur satu langkah. Ya semoga aja kaya gitu. Jangan sampe maju satu langkah trus mundur dua langkah... minus dah. Jadiiiii, mari kita analisa satu persatu.

1. Mengendalikan perasaan
Gue gampang banget kebawa perasaan. Misalnya, gue lagi sedih karena sesuatu, bisa-bisanya tuh segala sesuatu di sekitar gue malah jadi ikut-ikutan bikin gue sedih. Contoh soal, gue sedih karena si ganteng pujaan hati gue ngga nyapa gue sama sekali hari ini (penting banget yah), maka bahkan masakan babi rica gue yang biasa-biasa itu aja bakal ikutan bikin gue sedih. Padahal kan biasanya si babi rica itu juga rasanya kaya gitu, orang pake bumbu instan Munik, manalah berubah rasanya. Tapi bisa tuh gue jadi sedih banget karena rasa masakan gue yang seadanya. Lebay emang.

2. Mengendalikan pikiran
Pikiran gue tuh gampang banget lari-lari ke mana-mana. Ke arah yang ngga penting sama sekali, alias susah fokus. Bisa-bisanya gitu yah, gue lagi ngerjain tugas trus tiba-tiba pikiran bilang sama gue, "elo mau mati-matian juga ngerjain itu tugas sebagus-bagusnya, paling-paling tar dapet nilainya sekitar 50-60 doang.. bagus bisa dapet 60, biasanya juga kepala 5 udah gitu kurusssss... mending sekarang fesbukan aja, lebih asik." Padahal yah, apa sih sebenernya pentingnya dan asiknya fesbukan? Huffff.

3. Mengendalikan mood
Ini yang paling susah. Gue tau sih, mustinya mood itu kan berhubungan ama perasaan dan pikiran, tapi seringan gue tiba-tiba ngga mood buat ngapa-ngapain padahal gue sih ngga merasa lagi merasakan apapun yang aga-aga lebay dan pikiran gue terus-terusan bilang sama gue, "Ayo dong, Ndangseeeee mulai kerjaaaa. You're running out of time and you don't have all day to do this simple thing." Tapi tetep aja, gue bakal duduk diam dan bengong dan ngga ngapa-ngapain, Kadang bisa sehari penuh. Oh my.

Dan sekarang gue tiba-tiba males nerusin tulisan gue ini. Halahhhhh. Payah nih gueeee. Mungkin gue sebaiknya mandi dan mulai bekerja. Kerja, kerja, kerjaaaaaa!!!!

Stupid

Love is when he is mean to you and you still want him
It's when he ignores you and you still love him
It's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say, "I'm happy for you,"
when all you want to do is cry

Now, really, whoever wrote those lines is a complete idiot, stupid to the max.
I can't really understand why would people keep wanting someone who is mean to them.
And would not stop wanting that someone either.
I can't really understand.
I can't.
I just can't.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who in the land is fairest of all?

Oh well, all mirrors in the world will agree that it just will never be me. It's okay. I can live with it. I can live with the fact that I'm no beauty, no angel, no golden heart sweetie, a no brainer. I can live with my shortcomings. I don't mind, nothing I can do with them anyways. I try to look tidy, to behave well, to be nice as much as I can, to work as hard as possible, but that's it. No matter what, I'm still no beauty, no angel, and a no brainer. But, it matters when people start making jokes about them when I am in the lowest state of it all. Well, it's just different if a guy I find very very very attractive start saying, "Oh, you are not that attractive," in the middle of our jokes (and my mind will reply: oh yeah, I know you will never look at me in awe like the way you look at those gorgeous girls; and you're so kind to remind me of that).  It's different when a so damn smart friend start teasing, "Only today?" just when I tell how stupid I feel in a particular day. Oh yeah, of course, most of the time I'm so stupid, I know that. Compared to a very smart person? Ah, I look like a complete moron for sure. Well, I am dumb but not without brain at all for not knowing that I am a dumb. At least, that I know. I know it's only a joke, but it's a hard to swallow joke, really, when someone who is better of than me making jokes of my handicap.

Huffff. So, mirror, mirror on the wall, I know you won't tell me that I'm the fairest of all because I'm clearly not, but please please, really no need to remind me of my not so gracious look, of my brainless head, of my unappealing quality...

Hyper Antiklimaks

Semua akan baik-baik saja. Tidak ada yang kebetulan, tidak ada yang percuma, selama semua dilakukan dengan tulus bersama Kristus. Semangat ya, nona kribo, semua pasti akan baik-baik saja. Surga yang menjamin semuanya akan baik-baik saja. Jangan menyerah sekarang, you're almost there...

Super Antiklimaks

Bahkan tak ingin melawan. Bahkan tak ingin berjuang. Bahkan tak peduli bila harus menanggung malu karena menolak maju. Bahkan tak lagi merasa kecewa, tak lagi merasakan apapun dengan penolakan bertubi-tubi ini.

Antiklimaks

Yoeh. Udah antiklimaks dah ini peperangan gue. Kalah perang gitu.. bukannya menang. Gue udah cape jejeritan, udah bosen meradang menerjang. Cuma yah, ini perang musti dikelarin. Biarpun gue udah kalah telak, gue tetep, musti, kudu, kelarin ampe garis finish. Males banget sebenernya mah ah. Tapi berhubung ya, berhubung gue itu katanya mah udah dewasa, jadi kudu bersikap kaya orang dewasa: pura-pura bertanggung jawab, kelarin apa yang udah gue mulai. Pan katanya ngga ada juga yang maksa gue buat memulai ini semua. Blah.

Hehehe.. Jadi yah, semboyan gue sekarang adalah: PANTANG PULANG TANPA BAWA GELAR. heuheu. *puyeng selangit, bosen segunung*

What to Feel?

tired
bored
in love
angry
sad
happy
disappointed
excited
jealous
thrilled
anxious
mad
hate
loathed
peaceful
hopeful
numb
joyful
depressed
enraged
scared
panic
satisfied
confident
lonely
pleased
jealous
jealous
jealous
jealous
jealous
jealous
jealous

i'd rather feel nothing at all

Melepas Genggaman

Lama banget ngga nulis di blog ini, artinya udah lama banget juga gue ngga memikirkan hal-hal yang benar-benar penting dalam hidup. Oke, gue berpikir, tapi selalu tentang kuliah gue yang sebenernya lebih cocok buat rocket scientist itu, atau tentang patah hatinya gue dalam segala aspek hidup. Sampai detik ini, sampai di titik ini, gue terlalu lelah untuk mengeluh lagi, terlalu lelah untuk menangis lagi, terlalu lelah untuk melawan lagi. Pasrah ngga pernah ada dalam kamus gue. Gue bisa aja bilang gue pasrah, tapi selalu,dan selalu, gue akan kembali memikirkan, kembali menyusahkan hati gue. Jadi, gue yakin, inilah waktunya untuk melepas genggaman gue atas hal-hal yang gue anggap penting dalam hidup gue selain iman gue: ilmu, cinta, karir,

Gue ngga mau berakhir jadi orang penuh keputusasaan karena hal-hal yang gue begitu inginkan ngga pernah bisa jadi milik gue. Gue lepas genggaman gue, gue siap menerima gantinya. Jadi inget cerita di jaman Sekolah Minggu dulu. Gue ngga begitu inget detilnya, tapi kira-kira tentang seorang ayah yang minta anaknya memberikan kalung plastik yang sangat disukai anak itu. Anak itu marah sekali karena ayahnya meminta sesuatu yang berharga baginya, tanpa alasan yang jelas pula. Malam harinya, sebelum tidur, akhirnya anak itu meletakkan kalung plastik itu di meja kerja ayahnya, dengan catatan kecil: aku mengasihimu, ayah, lebih dari kalung ini. Paginya, sang anak menemukan kalung berlian di tempat ia biasa menaruh kalung plastiknya. Kira-kira seperti itulah, gue kurang ahli bercerita.

Intinya, untuk mendapat sesuatu yang lebih baik, gue harus bisa melepaskan yang sekarang gue genggam erat-erat. Harapan gue, perasaan gue, kekecewaan gue, kebahagiaan gue, entah gimana tapi gue tau gue harus bisa lepasin. Dan gue tau Tuhan akan berikan yang lebih baik, sesuatu yang ngga bisa gue mengerti dengan keterbatasan pikiran gue.

Jadi, sekali lagi, gue taruh segala yang berharga dalam hidup gue di bawah kaki Yesus. I let them go... I let you, God, take over everything... Ajari gue untuk meletakkan pengharapan gue bukan pada manusia, sesayang apapun gue sama orang itu, seberharga apapun orang itu buat gue. Ajari gue untuk tidak membalas ketika orang lain tidak melakukan yang baik sama gue. Ajari gue untuk selalu meneladani Yesus, menaruh iman dan harap hanya pada Bapa, mengasihi tanpa mengharap balas seperti Kristus.

Amin.

*semoga kewarasan gue kali ini bertahan agak lama :D*

aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhh

turns out that I'm not completely emotionless. so pissed off to find out that there would not be any show AT ALL anywhere on campus or in coventry, warwick, stratford, leamington, or even birmingham worth watching for MY BIRTHDAY.  the only birthday I ever want to spend the night of by watching a cool theatre or a hillarious 3D movie. this is the worst thing about living in the middle of nowhere and having birthday between spring and summer, when all spring shows have ended and summer shows are not there yet. ah yeah. what about birthday anyways. just about getting older. will just go back to my room straight after the exam and sleep for 17 hours then wash my face and run for my lecture in the morning. cool. oh fool. not cool. wish I would be home and being hugged and kissed and prayed for on that day, even if it has always made me feel awkward every year.

ah well. enough ranting about birthdays. spend too much time browsing for those theatres and cinemas. back to lecture notes, my faithful lover.

Emotionless

Ngga pernah terpikir kalo gue bakal sampe ke fase ini, fase tanpa emosi. Gue, dengan temperamen melankolik yang dominan, dengan sifat gue yang makin lama makin ekspresif, yang menurut orang-orang berbahan dasar terlalu perasa dan terlalu negatif, tiba-tiba sampai kepada fase dimana gue tidak merasakan emosi apapun.

Mungkin karena gue ngga mengharapkan apapun lagi dari siapapun, dari manapun, dari apapun. Gue mematikan semua harapan gue atas prilaku orang lain, atas hasil kerja gue, atas sikap orang lain sama gue... Gue hanya bekerja dan bekerja dan bekerja...

Tidak lagi marah, tidak lagi kecewa, tidak lagi sedih, tidak lagi patah hati, tidak lagi kesepian, tidak lagi girang, tidak lagi berbunga-bunga, tidak lagi mengharapkan apapun dari siapapun dalam hal apapun. Hanya ingin bekerja dan bekerja dan segera kembali ke tempat di mana gue disayang dan diinginkan.

Who is Family?

Family is a bunch of people
who will catch you when you fall,
hug you when you're cold,
thrilled with your every success,
pray with you, pray for you in faith,
believe in you even if you fail,
welcome you when you're at your worst,
give their shoulders when you need one,
be grateful when you're joyful,
never hesitate to warn you when you're going astray,

Family is a bunch of people
who will also let you do the same to them

My Chains are Gone

My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Saviour has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

--amazing grace (my chains are gone), chris tomlin--

Rasanya bener-bener seperti baru lepas dari belenggu, setelah semua tugas gue kelar. Entah ya, rasanya bebas merdeka. Walopun gue ngga yakin apa gue bisa dapet nilai cukup untuk lulus. Gue berhenti mengkhawatirkan itu dan terfokus pada fakta bahwa saat ini, detik ini, gue bebas merdeka. Fakta bahwa detik ini, gue bebas untuk tidur cukup, makan enak, tanpa rasa takut yang selama ini merajai hati, pikiran, dan sekujur tubuh gue. Pengalaman pertama dalam hidup gue, mendapati bahwa rasa takut bisa begitu menguasai hidup manusia. Yang artinya, selama ini rasa takut gue akan Tuhan gue belum segitu-gitunya sampe merajai seluruh aspek hidup gue.

Terima kasih, Tuhan, untuk pelajaran hidup ini. Gue tau gue mungkin akan tertatih-tatih melewati semua ini, tapi gue mau tetap percaya, kalo Engkau kasi ini semua artinya ini baik untuk gue, baik untuk hidup gue, baik untuk kekekalan. Badai ujian sebentar lagi datang, tapi gue ngga mau takut lagi. My chains are gone, kan ya...

How do I Love Thee?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
That's what Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote at the beginning of 19th century.
Me? Huh. Won't even bothered to ask how do I love thee. I now for sure how I love thee.
I just don't know why I love thee and keep on loving thee.
Tsk. Should write a real poem on that someday.
Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy.

*sigh*
*back to work*

Sepuluh Jam Lagi

Sepuluh jam sebelum deadline, akhirnya gue mendapat pencerahan. Ooooo ternyata cara ngerjainnya begonoooo. Hohohoho. Ngarti gue sekarang... Ngga susah-susah amat ternyata yee. Eke aja yang kelewatan dungu. Hahaha. Dan dalam keadaan kaya gini, gue punya dua pilihan: mengeluhkan betapa dungunya gue, sampe hal begitu sederhana aja perlu dua hari buat gue bisa ngerti, atau bersyukur dan bersukacita karena akhirnya gue bisa ngerti dan karena Bapa yang baik emang bener-bener nolong... Telah dijanjikan dan telah digenapi. Hehehe. Brain damage gue aga sembuh dikit kayanya malam ini. Mari bekerja lagi. Ganbaru! Tuhan pasti tolong!

Tujuh Jam Saja

Setelah tujuh jam diwarnai semangat, takut, frustasi, telpon sana sini, browsing sana sini, baca sana sini, ulang baca lagi, tarik napas panjang, berusaha makan, bikin teh susu, baca lagi, telpon lagi, pelajari coding-nya, akhirnya gue ngarti juga ini sebenernya tugas gue apaan. Hah. Baru ngarti apa maksud tugasnya gitu. Gimana cari ngerjainnya mah perkara laen, meneketehe deee. 35 jam menjelang deadline. Taelah, menghitung mundur, bossssss...