Penghiburan

Kadang-kadang yah, penghiburan datangnya hanya dari senyum manis dan sapa ramah seorang teman. Sore ini gue keluar ruangan kuliah dengan hati mendung. Saking mendungnya, kepala gue sampe sakit. Jalan kaki ke luar gedung bareng seorang teman, lalu melangkah ke flat gue dengan langkah gontai segontai-gontainya. Setengah jalan, seorang teman yang ngga akrab-akrab banget lari-lari kecil di belakang gue, ngejer gue. Tiba-tiba udah ada di samping gue dan nanya, "Apa kabar?" seperti kebiasaan orang-orang di sini yang kalo ketemu orang pasti nyapanya bukan "Hai" atau "Halo" tapi "Apa kabar?". Kita ngobrol-ngobrol bentar tentang betapa susahnya idup sebagai pelajar dengan segunung kerjaan. Entah gimana, abis dadah-dadahan ama tuh temen, kepala gue lebih enteng.

Kadang-kadang yah, penghiburan datangnya hanya dari rasa dipandang ada sama orang di sekitar. Malam ini, gue lagi berkutat dengan laporan tugas gue ketika seorang teman sekelas menelepon dan mengajak ikut serta makan malam bersama besok, bareng beberapa teman lain yang term lalu bersama-sama nyaris ngga tidur berhari-hari ngerjain satu tugas besar. Terharu gitu, ngga nyangka kalau mereka bakal inget gue. Yahhhh gue kan ngga istimewa, paling-paling, gue pikir, mereka kalo ada acara juga ngga bakal inget gue. Gue kan ngga kocak, ngga pinter, ngga cakep-cakep amat, ngga populer.... Mulai deh sindrom inferior gue, huhuhu.

Kadang-kadang yah, di tengah kesepian ini, gue begitu senengnya kalo dianggep ada, dianggep temen, dibutuhin, dipeduliin, dibantuin sama orang-orang asing di sekitar gue. Tuhan emang selalu paling tahu gimana caranya membangunkan semangat berjuang gue. Ya iyalah, namanya juga Tuhan, yah. Seneng banget besok mau makan-makan ama temen sekelas. Hahahaha. Semoga besok benar-benar menyenangkan. Dan semoga mood gue yang terang benderang ini bertahan lama dan ngga terpengaruh sama mendung tebal di luar sana. Terima kasih, Bapa... Engkau memang Bapa gue yang baik dahhhhh.

Another Soundtrack?

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can,
but I don't know how long I'll last

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold on to me

I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am
because You're all I have

Bukan Pecundang

Mata masih lengket karena kebanyakan nangis. Suara masih ga keruan karena kebanyakan sesenggukan. Kepala pening karena nangis itu tadi juga. Dan sobat gue yang amat sangat sensible bilang kalo gue punya pilihan untuk kerja kaya kesetanan atau menyerah total. Amat sangat tergoda buat menyerah. Gue cape, bosen, tertekan, kesepian, kelaparan, dan selalu sedih karena merasa amat sangat bodoh. Sungguh tergoda buat pack my bag malam ini juga dan pulang kampung. Menyerah sepertinya lebih mudah ketika harapan untuk berhasil kalo gue bertahan pun sepertinya minim sekali. Tapi, oh my, I'm no quitter. Malu. Sama orang kantor? Sama temen-temen? Sama sodara-sodara? Bukan! Gue malu sama diri gue sendiri. Gue malu sama mendiang Bapak yang gigih teguh berlapis baja dalam segala hal. Gue malu sama adek-adek gue yang senantiasa kasih semangat dan dengan bangganya cerita tentang gue, kakak mereka yang ngga baek-baek amat ini, sama temen-temen mereka. Gue malu sama Mama yang begitu bangga sama putrinya yang kacrut ini. Gue malu sama Tuhan gue, yang udah janji kalo Dia ngga bakal tinggalin gue, yang udah janji (dan selalu nepatin janji itu) buat selalu nolongin gue.

Ternyata, butuh keberanian buat menyerah. Dan gue ngga punya keberanian itu. Gue ngga punya keberanian buat mengenang Bapak dan mengaku kalo gue dan Bapak punya darah yang sama. Gue ngga punya keberanian menatap mata adek-adek gue dan menyemangati mereka menghadapi hidup. Gue ngga punya keberanian berhadapan sama Mama. Gue ngga punya keberanian bahkan buat menatap mata gue sendiri di cermin. Ngga bisa. It's something I cannot afford.

Jadi, dengan mata lengket dan kepala pening ini, gue nyatakan bahwa hidup boleh menghancurkan gue, tapi gue bukan pecundang. Gue mungkin kalah, gue mungkin gagal, gue mungkin bakal dipermalukan, gue mungkin akan patah hati lebih dalam daripada hari ini, tapi gue bukan pecundang. Gue memang bukan orang pintar, bukan orang hebat, bukan siapa-siapa, tapi gue bukan pecundang. Tidak akan pernah jadi pecundang. Come what may, I will not, and I repeat, will not, give up.

Gue tau, gue percaya, gue imani, Tuhan beserta gue dalam setiap langkah gue. Gue ngga istimewa, tapi gue punya Tuhan yang amat sangat kaya dan amat sangat baik dan amat sangat sayang sama gue. Gue percaya setelah badai ini bakal ada pelangi. Come what may, I will not give up.

Tears

Why did God create tears? I wonder. I wonder. I still can't stop crying after two hours. Those tears I have been trying to keep for weeks now is just flowing endlessly.

Why did God create tears? I wonder. I wonder. My eyes are swollen and I am so tired but I still can't stop crying. Those tears I have been denying for weeks now is just flowing endlessly.

Why did God create tears? I wonder. I wonder. Sadness, rejection, loneliness, anger, disappointment, regret, longing, love, fear, and then emptiness... They all lead to tears overflowing down my cheeks.

Why did God create tears? I wonder. I wonder. Did He also create something to stop tears coming down my face? At least He should have given me someone to cry with.

Facebook + Chat

Lagi berusaha melepaskan diri dari jerat candu Facebook. Hahaha. Sulittttttt. Tiap menit kepikiran buat ganti status, jadi ngga konsen ngerjain kerjaan gue. Jadi, yah, mungkin akan banyak one-liner post abis ini, buat gantiin status-status di Facebook yang kepikiran ama gue. Semoga gue males sih nulis post yang cuma satu baris. Gue juga pengen belajar mengendalikan diri gue dari jejeritan yang ngga berguna itu, ngga berguna buat gue dan ngga jadi berkat dan ngga membangun juga gitu buat orang laen.

Lagi berusaha melepaskan diri dari kebutuhan nge-chat sama orang laen juga. Sama aja sulitnya. Secara gitu yah, gue tuh tiap event aja mau diceritain ama orang laen. Heu. Abis ini, mungkin akan banyak post yang cerita tentang kejadian-kejadian ngga penting di sekitar gue yang gue oh oh oh begitu pengen ceritanya sama orang laen. Seringan tuh yah, chat-chat itu ujung-ujungnya jadi gosip: ngomongin yang jelek-jelek tentang orang laen, ngomongin yang bikin susah, ngomongin yang bikin hidup ribet. Kebanyakan sih ngga ngada-ngada, alias emang ngomongin fakta. Tapi sekali lagi, kalo itu ngga menjadi berkat buat siapa pun, kalo itu ngga membangun siapa pun, ngapain pula coba pake diomongin?

Semoga yah, semoga, sekupluk-kupluknya gue, semorat-maritnya idup gue, sekacrut-kacrutnya posting gue di blog ini, bisa jadi berkat buat seseorang, bisa membangun seseorang. Semoga bisa keliatan gitu, gimana gue jatuh bangun (aih, ini mah keliatan pisan: jatuh-jatuh, kadang-kadang bangun, tapi seringan jatuh-jatuh-dan-jatuh-lagi) tapi ngga pernah, ngga bisa, ngga bakal, dan ngga mau lepas dari jerat kasih karunia. Jadi yah, mungkin ini kaya Mini Bible-nya idup gue. Alkitab yang terbuka versi idup gue, di mana gue jatuh, hancur, terluka, bangkit, bersyukur, berdoa, berjuang, mengeluh, berharap, dan semoga (dalam nama Yesus) suatu hari kelak sampai ke garis akhir dan bisa bilang kaya Rasul Paulus bilang, gue udah mengakhiri pertandingan (idup) yang baik, gue udah mencapai garis akhir, dan gue udah memelihara iman.

Mess

It's all in a mess

My desk is in a mess
My bedroom is in a mess
My study is in a mess
My relationships are such a mess

My life is in a mess

How can I fix it?
Should I ever try to fix it?
Does it worth trying to fix it?
If ever possible, where in the world can I start fixing it?

Mission impossible

I get on my knee

This whole mess of me belongs to You, My Lord
If I worth fixing, then do it, please
Or nobody will

Broken Hearts (According to the Bible)

Now, before start working on my (unseemingly) project, I will write more quotes about broken hearts. This time all will be sourced from the ultimate source of comfort, the Word of God: the Bible. While reading, do enjoy the song Praise You in This Storm form Casting Crown below.

    

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saved the crushed in the spirit.
-- Psalm 34:18

My flesh and my heart will fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
-- Psalm 73:26

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither there shall be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
-- Revelation 21:4

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
-- Psalm 147:3

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
-- I Corinthians 13:7

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
-- John 14:27

Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved.
-- Psalm 55:22

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.
-- Romans 8:28

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.
-- Phillipians 3:13

Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.
-- Isaiah 43:18

Blessed are they that mourn; for they shall be comforted.
-- Matthew 5:4

Broken Hearts

A collection of quotes about broken hearts, with a video clip of What Can I Do from The Corrs to make it perfect. Just another pointless post, to give another proof that my brain has completely stopped functioning amidst this overwhelming study (and no study) loads. Play the clip to make it even more dramatic while you are reading the quotes :D.

A broken heart isn't so much the loss of a person as it is the loss of your dreams with that person.
-- Diane Les Becquets (Love, Cajun Style)

Behind every girl's face is a broken heart that a stupid boy broke.
-- Saraya Dodd

A broken heart is like a broken mirror. It's best to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it.
-- Unknown

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart
-- Raymond E. Feist

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
-- John Mayer

This... living with a broken heart is living half dead, and that doesn't mean you're half alive. It means you're half dead. And... that's no way to live.
-- Charles Martin (The Mountain Between Us)

A broken world promises a broken heart; we choose whether it's the result of selfishness or sacrifice.
-- Mike Coe (Flight to Paradise)

A broken heart bleeds tears.
-- Steve Maraboli ( Life, the Truth, and Being Free)

I'm just trying to outrun a broken heart, which is nothing to sneeze at , for a broken heart breaks a person.
-- Sarah Hina ( Plum Blossoms in Paris)

Broken hearts and dirty windows
Make life difficult to see
That's why last night and this morning
Always look the same to me
-- John Prine (John Prine)

The six element of her Fail Proof Broken-Heart Curing Treatment: Vitamin E, get much sleep, drink much water, travel to a place far away from the person you loved, meditate and teach your heart that this is destiny.
-- Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

There are those hearts, reader, that never mend again once they are broken. Or if they do mend, they heal themselves in a crooked and lopsided way, as if sewn together by a careless craftsman. Such was the fate of Chiaroscuro. His heart was broken. Picking up the spoon and placing it on his head, speaking of revenge, these things helped him to put his heart together again. But it was, alas, put together wrong.
-- Kate DiCamillo (The Tale of Desperaux)

You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly--that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.
-- Anne Lamott

Home is where the heart is, I thought now, gathering myself together in Betty's Luncheonette. I had no heart any more, it had been broken; or not broken, it simply wasn't there any more. It had been scooped neatly out of me like the yolk from a hard-boiled egg, leaving the rest of me bloodless and congealed and hollow. I'm heartless, I thought. Therefore I'm homeless.
-- Margaret Atwood (The Blind Assassin)

If someone has just hurt you or broken your heart, if someone has just died, all the grace you need is there-waiting for you to receive it. As long as we are pulled inward-despair and self attention, we aren't free to reach for God's grace. If we mean to leave ourselves alone, we must keep a hand free.
-- Eugenia Price

Pride

There are times,
when you swallow your pride and ask for help and help just can't be found,
when you swallow your pride and tell your feelings and it still means nothing,
when you swallow your pride and admit how much you need someone and that very one just take it for granted,

There are times,
when you just can't do anything
but swallow your pride more

waiting

i'm waiting
i'm just waiting
for things to come to me

i'm tired of running
i'm tired of chasing
i'm tired of wishing
i'm tired of remembering
i'm tired of missing things
i'm tired of missing people
i'm tired of yelling
i'm tired of crying

i'm tired of loving

but i'm still waiting
for things to come to me

someday
i may be tired of waiting

just another quote

"Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee."
--J.R. Ward (Dark Lover)

I want to be the way I was made!

I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around
I want to sing like nobody's listening
Before I lay my body down

I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I'm not afraid
I want to be the (wo)man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
And all I've forgotten help me to find
Of all that You've promised, let it be in my life

--The Way I Was Made, Chris Tomlin--

now

now,

i stop complaining

i stop moaning

i stop crying

 

now,

i just need a hug

a big bear hearty hug

maju terus pantang memble

i'm burning my brain,

breaking my bones,

holding back my tears,

refusing to give up!

 

i don't believe in hard work,

neither do i believe in luck,

and much more, i don't believe in giving up!

 

because i do believe

in the God who bless,

in the God who loves to bless,

in the God who wants me to work harder than any other,

and bless me not because of my hard work,

but because of grace, and grace alone,

so i have no reasons to give up!

 

life may blow me a thousand times,

but my God will rise me up a thousand and one times

that i can never give up!

Aku Hari Ini

Aku yang dulu,
akan berlutut segera setelah terbangun di pagi hari;
mengucap syukur untuk hari yang baru,
mohon pimpinan untuk sepanjang hari.

Aku yang dulu,
akan menundukkan kepala setiap masuk kelas,
bersyukur atas satu kesempatan lagi untuk belajar,
mohon hikmat untuk setiap pengajaran,
agar aku mengerti,
agar berguna untuk hidupku dan hidup orang lain.

Aku yang dulu,
akan hening sejenak sebelum membuka kembali bukuku,
mohon kasih karunia atas kerja kerasku,
sepenuhnya percaya bahwa Tuhan memberkati yang dikasihi-Nya pada waktu tidur,
dan bahwa kerja keras tidak menambahkan apapun pada hidup manusia
namun Tuhan mau aku bekerja tekun, seperti semut yang tak pernah melamun

Aku yang dulu,
akan menutup mata sejenak sebelum memulai ujian-ujianku,
menyerahkan diri sepenuhnya kepada yang empunya langit dan bumi,
percaya bahwa Dia peduli pada hal sepele seperti ujianku,
dan percaya bahwa Dia memberkatiku dengan hasil yang sepadan, bahkan lebih

Aku yang dulu,
akan menutup hari dengan berlutut,
bersyukur atas satu hari yang diwarnai dengan kisah kasih-Nya padaku,
atas warna warni dalam satu hari
dan menyerahkan hidupku dan lelapku
menyerahkan orang-orang terkasih dalam hidupku pada tangan pengasihan-Nya
dan menutup doaku dengan:
"bila aku tidak pernah terbangun lagi dari tidurku, aku percaya aku akan bersama Yesusku"

Aku hari ini,
hanya beberapa belas tahun dari aku yang dulu
namun seperti menjadi pribadi yang lain, amat sangat lain.

Aku hari ini,
berharap bisa kembali menjadi aku yang dulu.
Bahkan lebih.

an important announcement

this is to formally announce that the donkey is no longer residing at cc2/158.

we have currently removed the donkey to the learning grid.

there may be some possibilities that the donkey be seen at the library, the Math Institute, or the Business School.

however, most of the time, we will do our best to make sure that the donkey stay at the learning grid to learn the lessons that a donkey should learn.

we are quite sure that there will be no inconvenience caused by this removal of the donkey.

in special circumstances that there is, please let us know as soon as possible as we know very well that the donkey hates the learning grid and prefers a cafe somewhere at the city centre.

itung-itungan

ini itung-itungan waktu idup gue dalam satu hari, alias 24 jam:

tidur: 8 jam
warming up pas bangun tidur: 0.5 jam
cooling down seblon tidur: 0.5 jam
makan: 3 X 1 jam = 3 jam
masak dan cuci piring: 1 jam
mandi dan temen2nya: 1 jam
rapih2 seblon ngampus: 0.5 jam
jalan bolak balik ke tempat kuliah: 0.5 jam

total : 15 jam
sisa: 9 jam

kalo gue bagi2 per hari, jadi sisanya gini nih:
Senin: kuliah 2 jam, sisa 7 jam
Selasa: kuliah 4 jam, sisa 5 jam
Rabu: kuliah 5 jam, sisa 4 jam
Kamis: kuliah 3 jam, sisa 6 jam
Jumat: kuliah 1 jam, sisa 8 jam

trus, kalo tiap hari gue kurangin satu jam buat ngoceh ama temen2 sekelas, ato mampir ke library cari buku, ato mampir ke IT room ngeprint materi kuliah, ato ngantri beli flat white di costa, ato bolak-balik ke laundry, ato ngecek pos di mailbox, ato ke postroom ngambil paket, maka sisa waktu gue per hari adalah:
Senin: sisa 5 jam
Selasa:  sisa 4 jam
Rabu: sisa 3 jam
Kamis: sisa 5 jam
Jumat: sisa 7 jam

mari kita sebut sisa waktu di atas sebagai alternatif 1.

trus kalo misalnya, misalnya nih, gue perlu waktu buat minum kopi sambil bengong liatin bebek terbang dari kamar gue, buat maen-maen sejenak ama puzzle gue, buat internetan, buat chatting ama temen2 di indo, buat nulis2 di blog ini, buat maen2 ke tesco (maen2, bukan belanja beneran), buat baca2 buku yang bukan buku pelajaran bentarrrrrr aja, katakanlah sejam sehari, maka sisa waktu gue adalah:
Senin: sisa 4 jam
Selasa:  sisa 3 jam
Rabu: sisa 2 jam
Kamis: sisa 4 jam
Jumat: sisa 6 jam

sebut ini sebagai alternatif 2.

bad bad bad.

mana cukup ntu sisa waktu buat ngulang kuliah hari ini, buat ngerjain soal seminar, buat nyicil ngerjain project, buat baca textbook biar gue ngga katro bergantung ama lecture notes doang? artinya gue week end ngga bisa kabur2 dong? atau gue ngga boleh senang2 barang sejam sehari.

bad bad bad.

overall, this is a bad bad bad life. let's see what I will become 8 months after today. ganti kaca mata kali gue, pake pantat botol, hehehehe...

a conversation

"what in the world I'm doing here?" I asked.

"you asked for it, you prayed for it, remember?" God answered.

"I didn't know I would hate it so much.." I snapped at Him. "You're the one who shouldn't give me anything I asked for if it's not good for me, aren't You? YOUR Bible told me so!"

"but I did give you, didn't I?" God replied. "and you know very well what it means if I give something to you..."

"it's supposed to be good for me. it's supposed to make me someone better. it's supposed to make me love You better. it's supposed to make me more like Your Son." I cried. "but I'm going nowhere better. I'M TORN APART! and I believe YOU are the one who should fix me up before I'm broken to pieces and give it up all!"

"stop complaining, you stupid beloved child of Mine," He snapped at me. "I've been carrying you all this time. you're weak, but you've never been stronger with me. my power is yours! how many times should I tell you this? how many times should I show you this? I'm not letting you break into pieces. but if I do, that only means I want you to lean on Me, to count on Me.. on Me and Me ALONE. have I ever let you down? have I ever failed you? you survived the darkest storm in your life. THAT should teach you something."

I stared angrily at Him. "don't go over it again and again. that's history. I'm living in the presence. and I have this future so dark ahead of me. I CAN'T BEAR IT AND SINCE YOU ARE GOD, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!"

"I AM GOD, INDEED. I reign over time and space. I keep my promises. I never promised that everything will be easy. no way. I promise you strength to go through it, wisdom to find your way, love to keep you warm... just do everything you can do. remember your limits. leave the rest to me. I will take care of it. I will take care of you, like I always do. I never failed taking care of you, did I? I love you just too much, just too much..."

"oh God, my dear God, I just don't know how to go on," I whispered back.

"you don't need to. take one step at a time. the world can wait. do everything in faith. you may not be able to do it, but I can do it. cry if you must. I created tears to help you too, you know. but after you dry your tears, start again. just don't give up. I'm here with you. I'm here working it out with you. I'm here loving you tremendously. and don't you ever ever ever forget, I have all the power to do anything I want. I created everything from nothing. if I want you to be something, I can make it from scratch, that scratch you that you have always been complaining about. but if I want you to be just an ordinary woman--like you always call yourself, believe Me, you are still very very special. I created nothing ordinary. now, go back to your life. My blessings be with you. My love be with you. My power be with you." He smiled at me.

I could barely smile back at Him. "Okay. I hope next time it will be a more joyous talk."

He laughed. "It's always a joy for Me to talk to My children. just be yourself, whatever its state may be, and I will always be glad to talk to you."

I looked at Him, didn't know what else to say, and just said, "amen."

What love really means

And now that you’ll listen I’ll tell you that I...
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love, the love that you never knew...

it's not the end of the world

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed

This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world