Es Kopi Susu

Aku melenggang ke pantry dengan one-cup coffee maker-ku, mampir ke kulkas dan mengambil bungkusan java excelso, meletakkan coffee maker di meja pantry, plug-in kabelnya, isi air dan bubuk kopi ke dalamnya, dan membiarkan sang coffee maker menjalankan tugasnya. Lalu aku cari mug biru milikku di lemari, mencari-cari sendok tapi hanya menemukan sebuah garpu. Akhirnya, dengan garpu dan mug itu aku ke meja Bu Sri, mengais-ngais gula dan wadah gulanya. Kembali lagi ke pantry, menuang kopi yang sudah brewed sempurna ke dalam mug, mengocok kopiku, lalu kembali ke kulkas dan menuang susu ultra putih, sedikit saja. Lalu beberapa potong es batu. Dan beberapa potong lagi. Dan beberapa potong lagi. Aku kembali ke mejaku, duduk dengan sikap sempurnaku yang tidak sempurna, dan menghirup es kopi susuku. Terlalu manis. Terlalu manis. Benar-benar terlalu manis.

Andai saja rasa hidupku sama seperti es kopi susuku pagi ini.

There's Always Gonna be Another Mountain

The Climb - Miley Cyrus

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing, the chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it but these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most 
Just got to keep going and I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on


You know what, my Warwick period is (almost) officially over. I'm glad I didn't quit. I'm glad I did shed those tears. I'm glad I fought my fight. I'm grateful for so many wonderful people who stood by me during the climb, prayed for me, prayed with me, listened to me, offered me a hand, kept on encouraging me, believed in me even when I didn't. I'm going to remember it all: the struggles I faced, the chances I took, they did knock me down but God helped me not to break.

There's always gonna be another mountain, for me, for people around me. I pray I can be as wonderful to others as so many people have been to me. Amen.

Make Over

gotta make some serious make overs. well, over everything worth mentioning in my life, which is quite a lot. or not. well, will need to figure it out as well. so the point is, gonna move to another blog for awhile. i dont really mean move in the sense of really moving. just gonna stop writing here and throwing up things, these things, in another blog. temporarily, of course.

so you, loyal readers, would you excuse me for some more time? its been some time since i wrote anything worth reading anyway. in the mean time, join me in believing that everything happens for a reason.

Arti Hidupku

Tiap hari lepas tiap hari dengan rasa berat hati
Hidup yang penuh arti ini mengapa jadi begini
Marilah tegak berdiri menghadapi hidup yang berarti
Kuasa dan tujuan hidup ini dalam iman dan kasih
Hidup bukan karena hari, hidup hanya karena arti
Bebas dari segala dosa, itulah arti hidupku.

In a dire need to read again The Purpose Driven Life. Or the Bible. Or to have again that quite time I used to have years ago, when life was just as simple as black and white.

Moments

This is one of those awkward moments. Those moments when you know that that guy is about to ask you for a date. Sooner or later. You know he will. And you know that as attractive as he is, as much fun you had with him, as much as you enjoy spending hours with him, you still don't want to date him. Even if he treats you better, much much better than the other guy, you still want that other guy. Even if, as sure as hell, he will know how to take care of you much much better than the other guy, you still want the other guy. You still miss him, you still cling on that thin line of hope that someday, someday, he will want you too.

This is one of those awkward moments. Those moments when you are prepared to say no to anyone except the one you always think about, your ideal. Those moments when you know for sure that you ideal is an ideal, someone you will never be equal to, someone whose standards you will never be up to.

Then you remember an advice you gave to someone in the past: to give it a chance. A bit less than an ideal might be enough. A lot more than an ideal might suit you better. Who knows, it might turn out to be great. Who knows if you don't want to give it a try?

THE plan

Okay, this is the plan. I'm getting TOO slow on this writing and deadline is APPROACHING like a twister.

1. no facebook until I submit
2. no chatting until I send out my first draft
3. no internet until I finished writing out my results
4. working without procrastinating for ONE HOUR period every time
5. in between my one hour period, 10 minutes of break, except for lunches and dinners
6. pray. never forget to pray.

ganbatte!

LaTable

Just a little self note on how to convert an excel table into Latex so damn easily. Found it on the net, with an example and snapshots at http://zigzag00.blogspot.com/2010/08/latable-easy-way-to-write-tables-in.html

Basically, just copy the table from excel, paste it into LaTable and copy the Latex code from LaTable then paste it into your Latex editor. Voila! Headache cured! Just need to add a table environment if you want it floating, add the caption and done! Fuuuuuuu. Love it!!!

LaTable can be downloaded from http://www.ctan.org/tex-archive/help/Catalogue/entries/latable.html

2012

New Year's day! I make it to 2012: alive, relatively healthy, loved, and in spite of everything still wanted by people who matter the most to me. In short, I will say I still have enough reasons to live. Once again, I have to admit that I made it to this day by clinging like crazy to my Jesus. Unrealistic as it sounds to some people, Jesus has been my only hope to go through everything last year, the hardest year in my life so far:

1. school, at this moment don't even want to remember all suffering I have had to endure for the past 15 months
2. that guy, okay: another blog IS the place for this subject as I hesitate on putting too  many side subjects in this blog
3. depression, another blog is dedicated for this matter; for some reasons I will keep it anonymous
4. friends, making friends, keeping them, tolerating their harsh treatment, and at the end finally can recognize the jewels among them
5. new life, abroad and back home, both are not easy, both require so much energy and determination, just exactly the things I lack of at the moment
6. family matters, who says having a family that loves you so and care about you so will free you from troubles WITH them?
7. addiction to some silly stuff like procrastinating.

At the end, I can see that everything is indeed in God's plan. The proverb said that God has made everything beautiful in its time. As I say it, I heart captured four keywords:
1. God. It is God and God alone who owns the power
2. everything; not some things, not some exceptional things, not just heavenly things, but everything
3. beautiful; what is better than beautiful?
4. it's time; there's a particular time, might take a second, a day, a week, a year, a lifetime, or even an eternity.

Little by little, I can see things explained. Those whys I have cried out loud in the silence of the nights in that bedroom on campus, those whys I have been sobbed of in the secrecy of those dimmed toilets around campus, those whys I have silently carried in my chest as I fought my way through my days, some of those whys have been answered. Long list made short, the answers can be contained in this word: God has set everything out for my own good. Just my stupidity that is even greater than the universe so that it took so long for me to understand it.

So new year, bring it on. I think I have been through the lowest of it all. But if I haven't, if I still have to go through worse parts, I think I have learned how to stand strong: by getting on my knees.

Happy new year! God is good all the time!
 

investment grade!

beloved country is on investment grade now after 14 years! so want to write about it but so no time. haha. hear hear, i talk like a devoted 9gagger now! so tired and so helpless. stupid simulations or stupid me? blah. took an arrow to the knee!

anyways, good job, fellas! investment grade yay! keep up the good job, kill all the corruptors, hoho! just as a propos, based on the scale of fellow 9gaggers, the scale would be:
justin bieber
super easy
easy
normal
hard
super hard
chuck norris
asian
russian (because 100% is not enough)
i will consciously ignore russian, for personal and professional reason. so asian rules!

yay yay yay! investment grade! got a reason to celebrate. can sleep early. worry about simulations tomorrow. 

Awkward

The awkward moment when you realize that you feel nothing at all and are fine with it.
Forever alone maximum level achieved. Just take an arrow to the knee, 140% correct if you're in Russia.

Definitely spend too much time in 9gag.

A Necessary Ending

That's the sermon in Elim church yesterday. Immediately later yesterday, things started to happen, things that urge me to apply whatever I have learned from that sermon. To apply the understanding that there are necessary endings to some things so that other things may happen; there are necessary endings to good things so that better ones may take place; there are necessary endings to one stage so that other stage may start.

This is my necessary ending to the one I have been struggling with over a year. This is it. I am going to another phase in life. May God help me.

So So So Tired, So So So Bored

Back pain now.

Head ache every now and then.

I'm so so so tired.

But I'm still so far from getting this thing done.

Some times brain is just dead when it is supposed to work.

Some times it refuses to shut down when it's time to stop.

The price I have to pay...

For a decision made by anger and disappointment.

 

There's a price for everything. 

There's really no such thing as free lunch...

 

I'm so so so tired.

and so so so bored.

But you haven't seen the end of me. 

I ask God

I ask God:
why
when
where
why
how
what
why
why
why
why
why why why

And all I hear is silence

Are you really silent, God?
Or am I so numb, God?
Or so deaf, blind, ignorant?

All those unanswered questions.
And life goes on, like it never matters.

I Want to Sing Out Loud!!!!

Ever since I arrived in this land of rain and wind, I noticed one thing that I quit doing altogether: singing my heart out loud, except for that barely one hour period of praise and worship during sunday service every week. I couldnt do it in my on campus accomodation, my bahtroom-mate will hear me clearly and she might be studying anytime of the day, of the life of postgrad (or the non existence of life of postgrad). Even when she wasnt in her room, people outside can hear me quite clearly and would think that another student has lost her mind.

 

After moving off campus, it was even more difficult. I shared a house, first with two guys, then with two girls. The walls were thin. I couldnt just sing. Sometimes, like a moron, I will sing in low voice while walking to the learning grid. I desperately want to sing! Hufff huffff....

Galau (2)

galau

 

God, always listening, always understanding

 

galau

:)

keywords

christmas

dissertation

simulation

debugging

latex

christmas

tarn

change of measure

numeraire

payoff

libor

market model

monte carlo

christmas

greeks

convergence

error

home

printing credit

learning grid

charter avenue

lunch

pizza delivery

drift

diffusion term

probability

home for christmas

packing

flight tickets

home for christmas

home for christmas

home for christmas

pathetic

pathetic

so pathetic

too pathetic

helplessly pathetic

 

oh just pathetic

simply pathetic

no words to describe it but:

PATHETIC!

My-God-is-Forever-Good Attitude

Okay. Now I really think I have to put an end to this all-things-are-bad attitude and start again a lifestyle with my-God-is-forever-good attitude. I complained way too much all this time. I looked at the bad side way too much. I started everyday with all my worries over things I couldn't handle myself and totally forgot my habit of waking up every morning with praise and gratefulness. So what kind of a christian do you think I am?

 

I refused to give up on my helplessness. I decided to look on HOW GOOD my God is, how unfailing His love is, how good I have been taken care of, this good for nothing old girl.

 

My God is good, always good, forever good. No matter what.

Galau

I am not skilled to understand what God has willed, what God has planned. I only know at His right hand, stands one who is my Savior. My Savior loves, my Savior lives, my Savior's always there for me. My God He was, my God He is, my God He's always gonna be.

(My Savior My God--Aaron Shust)

 

Galau. Resah. Namun ada masanya bukan bagianku untuk mengerti. Ada waktunya untuk menerima bahwa bagianku adalah menjalani. Ada kalanya untuk hanya percaya dan berhenti bertanya. Apapun yang terjadi, itu bukan akhir dunia. Meskipun itu akhir dunia, Allahku tetap mengasihiku.

End End End

I just want to write write write

so that I don't have to think think think

and I don't need to remember remember remember

all those times which are so sweet sweet sweet

even though most of the time they were actually bitter bitter bitter

and causing me too much of a pain pain pain

 

I really need to write write write

all those things that bring tears tears tears

for every reason anyone can think think think of

so that I won't forget forget forget

that once once once

I have been here here here

I have been hurt hurt hurt

I have been so sad sad sad

I have been so happy happy happy

I have met you you you

I have said good byes byes byes

I have learned that that that

everything has an end end end

all good things have an end end end

all bad things have an end end end

 

Even me someday will come to an end end end

I will be forgotten for sure sure sure

So why wonder wonder wonder

if now I learned a bit of that art art art

the art of being forgotten forgotten forgotten

 

Everything has an end end end