The Pages

As we travel together through these pages, you may want to consider that you are not what your present negative mood says you are: you are not the stupid, inadequate, hopeless, or unlovable person whom you believe you are right now. You're a human being, no better or no worse than other people you admire. You're as unique and as interesting as they are, equally deserving respect and encouragement. Don't expect to feel convinced of this at the moment. Even your choosing to read this book suggests that somewhere inside you believe that you deserve more. This book will speak to that part of you that wants more out of life, that inner voice that refuses to give in to depression. It may be only a tiny voice at the moment, but my aim in these pages is to strengthen that voice and help you discover a truer, healthier, sense of who you really are: someone who includes and makes room for personal vulnerability, but who never loses sight of his capacity for joy, someone you'd be glad to wake up to each morning.

How can we even aspire to achieve something so important in a short book like this? Let me say this first so neither of us has any illusions: nobody can magically take away depression. I can only join with those who are in this particular pain and help them to discover a strength in themselves to fight it. You will need to struggle and do battle with your inner demons of shame, self-criticism, and self-loathing on which depression feeds. You may be drowning under the weight of all this now and need a solid ally to help you fight your way back.

-Tony Bates-

My Best Friend

my best friend insomnia. faithful, too faithful. lying now on my bed,
almost four in the morning. where are you, sleep? too tired to work,
too tired to do anything. so just lie here, hugging mr. grey bear,
cuddling his curvy head, kissing the tip of his black nose. mandisa is
still singing on the spotify. its better if i think of someone, it
usually helps. but nobody comes to mind who wont make my head
juggling. so i just hug mr. grey bear and tell my brain to shut down
for awhile.

Suddenly

Suddenly realize that I'm literally on my own. Just like when I started it all ten months ago: all on my own. Ah well, I will still make it. I will.

Masih Histeris

Masih histeris
hari ini ketemu si ganteng empat kali
dalam dua jam

Masih histeris
setelah setiap hari selalu ketemu si ganteng
di library tercinta

Masih histeris
berasa GR aja si ganteng sengaja pilih komputer di sebelah gue
padahal di depan sono banyak yang kosong

Masih histeris
sama tawa lebarnya
sama senyum manisnya

Amboi,
histeris terlalu lama tak baik untuk kesehatan
termasuk kesehatan jiwa gue
karena histeris mempengaruhi peluang lulus gue

Tapi amboi,
si ganteng bikin gue selalu semangat
ke library tiap hari

Amboi,
alangkah manisnya
baca paper-paper itu
sambil sesekali mengintip rambut pirangnya

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*tambah histeris*

My Joy

Got a very funny e-mail from my youngest brother this morning. Well, the topic is not funny at all, asking if I were in London nowadays considering that riots in Tottenham. But, the way he delivered his concerns is so cute. And touching. And hilarious. Yea, as usual, that cute little boy that used to bring laughters to our family dinners. Or family watching-TV events. Or any otherwise so ordinary days. That boy has turned out to be a man who still love his sister, in his own peculiar way, in a way that always reminds me of how blessed I am.

Still reread that cute e-mail every two hours, almost memorize every word of it. Oh yea, I need to reply it. Haha.

Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me that Life Could be Like This?

You don't have to be very much in it to realize that there are only a perceptive few who see your pain, but they may well not know what to do or say. The others, sadly often your closest relatives, friends, sometimes even your doctor, will insist that you get a grip on yourself. 'snap out of it' and get on with living.

It is then that your world takes on the ghastly reality of the isolation of it. You know that no other human being can have felt like this because someone would have told you -- warned you that it could be this bad. But the experience cannot be put into words or communicated. You are right that no one else ever felt like this because each is its own unique self. It takes on a life of its own. It has its own root causes peculiar to you.

You ask for help and they stuff you with pills. They won't listen because you need a million hours. You need a million hugs. You need a million words of reassurance.

These you cannot have, for the world is busy with its own life and importance. The reality is that you are what the world might call 'mentally ill'. And that really hurts. It hurts like hell.

People who make out there are simple answers are wrong, and their cliche-ridden talk drives you further into it.

-Sue Atkinson-

Time for Everything

There is a time for everything under heaven. And there is a time to say that enough is enough. And to act accordingly.

The time is now. Enough of it all.

One Day Supplies

My today supplies to accompany me on another lonely adventure at my sanctuary among millions of books and empty desks while listening to Addison Road yelling out "but we are not indestructible" and trying to get a hold on those PDE pricing frameworks:

brand new Ness bag (stripes of pink, blue, yellow, black, green, and purple)
Toshiba laptop and charger and adaptor
750 gigs external hard disk
pen and pencil
bright red purse
earphone
a bottle of apple juice
hot peppermint tea in a flask bottle
Port-Royal Belgian chocolate
Fruit-tella
packs of biscuits
pack of dinner (macaroni schotel and fried rice, yea, not healthy)
leftover of coleslaw
two mobiles
printed papers
bright red hoodie
my conscience

Hufff hufff. Like I'm gonna eat anything; like I'm gonna read anything.
Well, of course I will eat everything. I will read everything.

Marriage vs Ph.D.

Follow Your Dream

X: How did we get here? I mean, do I really care that much about my work?

Y: Maybe you don't. But I know that if you don't follow your dream, you're not going to be happy, even if you're with me.

-PHD comics-