I feel so tired. Extremely tired. Tired of trying to show a face that everyone wants to see: a face of patience, strength, optimism, self-confidence, broken-heart-proof, grace. Tired of trying hard to really be whatever my face tries to show: to really be a woman of patience, of strength, of grace. It seems that I'm so far far away from it.
I really feel so tired after three long days of "interrogations". A friend stayed at my place and she kept on digging on my past, on things I pushed too far behind my memory, on pains I thought has been healed long time ago, on a marriage I have never planned for myself.
So why didn't I just say it out loud? Why is it so hard to admit that love just hasn't found me yet? Why does the words didn't come out proclaiming that I will only marry one and only one man in my life and that man will be the love of my life, someone I love so much but always second to my God, someone who loves me with the abundance of God's grace but will always put me second to His God? Am I somehow worried that such a man doesn't exist? Am I somehow scared that the ugly part of me will show up, the part of me that feels that I'm not good enough for something good, contradicting myself to my Christian faith, to everything I believe to be the foundation of life?
Oh gosh. I am tired. So tired. Too tired.
